The Mind of Mike Nolan

by ryo1 on Aug 20, 2008 2:22 PM PDT Comment 24 comments

EDITOR'S NOTE 10PM - Whether you're for or against Nolan, this is highly entertaining. Enjoy.
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I am BOLD. I am FIERCE. I am Mike Nolan, head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, and somehow I still have a job.

I owe it all to my regimen. Every morning I do fifty squints, a hundred brow furls, two hundred glares. I practice my steely gaze in front of the mirror every night so people think I know what I'm doing. Now THAT's a guy with confidence, they say. THAT's a guy who has his team headed in the right direction. The truth is, I don't know what direction we're supposed to go. I don't even know how to read a compass, let alone use it for football.

Most games I'll stand there, find a fixed point on the field, like a patch of dirt or a blade of grass, and just stare. Stare at the color of the blade, focus on the length of its trim. Stare blankly, blindly, my stolid countenance never giving away the fact that I have no freaking clue what's happening around me. That's what it takes to keep your job at this level. Never waver. Never let them see your incompetence. Keep that gaze cold and hard as steel, affixed on a single, undulating blade. Wow that's a fresh cut. I should get the groundskeeper to do my lawn.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too hard on myself. I'll go to face the media, look in their sallow, cherubic faces, and not see a single man among them. They ask me why I make such poor decisions on 4th down. That must mean I make great decisions on 1st to 3rd. After all, why should I value the opinion of someone who doesn't take the time to look professional, to strengthen the grip of his handshake?

Sometimes I'll stare into the ridge between their eyes and I get the feeling that if I stare long enough, I can see right into their souls. Maybe then I'll figure out what they want to hear. Maybe then they'll stop asking me so many questions about quarterbacks and challenges and fifth downs. Maybe then they'll stop asking me so many questions about football.

Not that I worry. I've worked too hard to be taken down by a few balding nerds with pencils. Too damn hard. So hard that at times I'll find myself doing my routine without thinking. I'll be at the dinner table, peering at the walls, patting chairs on the butt, or scowling at silverware. I'll jump in the jacuzzi and not realize I'm still wearing my suit. My wife says I do fist pumps in my sleep.

She doesn't understand. It's all about image. Perception. That's what it takes to be a coach in the National Football League. My face is what it takes. And I have it.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors.

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Comments

Brilliant

This is the most succinct and spot-on satirical piece I’ve ever seen written about Nolan. When Nolan first came on board, I was impressed by his attitude and coach’s demeanor. But after three seasons, countless ludicrous 4th down calls, four offensive coordinators and one major blow out that ruined our potential franchise QB, I’ve completely changed my mind. He’s lost when it comes to game day management, and totally ignorant of anything to do with the offensive side of the ball.
With this season’s tough schedule, I expect to see Mike Martz or Mike Singletary replace Nolan by the bye week. We can all keep our fingers crossed.

by LotsaD on Aug 20, 2008 3:57 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

To be fair...

the only OC that you could hold against him was Hostler. McCarthy and Turner were good enough to be brought on as head coaches on other teams. It certainly wasn’t good for Smith’s development to go through 4 of them, but you can’t hold the OC turnover against Nolan.

STEVE HOLM! refuses to be the odd man out.

by UnleashTheGore on Aug 21, 2008 8:34 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Nolan is a class act...

And I don’t want to see him go.

But I still enjoyed this piece. Keep it up!

by Rishi on Aug 20, 2008 4:12 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

class act?

A guy who hides how bad his quarterback’s injury is so he doesnt take as much blame for a disappointing season is a class act?

Also, as Mike Sando has written, Nolan is starting O’Sullivan in part for his job, not for the betterment of the team. I know we cant expect a guy to put his job at risk for the future of the team, but if he did, that would make him a class act.

by Vote4Gore on Aug 20, 2008 6:00 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Okay

So the Smith situation was bad.

I’d say if this were a season ago, I’d stand by my “class act” idea.

by Rishi on Aug 20, 2008 9:15 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Hilarious!!

Coach Nolan I salute you!!

Joe and Steve were under the same system for years... don't expect Smith to be super so soon.

by bayboy on Aug 20, 2008 5:18 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Funny

My wife says I do fist pumps in my sleep.

Classic.

Never forget: I am a complete idiot

by Exhibit G on Aug 20, 2008 5:47 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

This was my favorite part as well.

"I been waitin' a long time for this! I been waitin' since the f**kin' amateurs!" --WILL "THE THRILL" CLARK

by Josh from Hollywood on Aug 21, 2008 2:03 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

For some reason I feel compelled to actually offer a review for this. Maybe it’s because you obviously put effort in, maybe it’s because you appear to actually know a thing or two about comedic structure and form, or maybe it’s something else altogether… but I feel like this warrants whatever candid feedback I’m about to give.

I think the effort you made is obvious to anybody reading. The writing itself, particularly, is strong. The first thing I notice is a very controlled pace and rhythm. The second thing I notice is a distinct and recognizable voice. To me, these are two really important aspects of selling the comedy in this piece. I’m a firm believer that selling any comedy ultimately comes down to rhythm to begin with, but since you’re writing from the persona of Mike Nolan, it’s all the more “aware” of you to approach that persona as a candid voice unto itself. The voice here is obviously disconnected from the way that Nolan actually speaks, but it’s significantly recognizable by his patterns. The terseness, the self-assuredness, the hard-nosedness. These touches allow the voice to be recognizable as Mike Nolan without having to actually mimic the man mannerism for mannerism.

This is also where I would criticize your execution, though. There are select and repeated moments where the credibility of the voice breaks down, which is to say moments where the voice is either 1) not taking itself seriously, or 2) telegraphing the satire. Notably I would say these occur in moments where the voice says something like “somehow I still have a job” or “I have no freaking clue what’s happening around me.” These are statements that the voice you’ve chosen wouldn’t make, and – more importantly – these are statements that are directly transporting the intended satire, rather than being statements that are satirical.

With that in mind, I think the last 4 paragraphs are extremely strong. There’s not a single moment in these paragraphs in which the voice breaks down in this way. The way the voice assures itself that being criticized on fourth down is a sign that first, second, and third down are uncriticizable is probably the most well executed line in the entire thing, from the perspective of rhythm and voice that I’ve been parsing to this point.

There’s more there that’s worth both accolades and criticism, but I’ve made the points that I was, by far, the most keen on making, and I think that, criticism aside, it’s clear to everybody that this is a very succesful comedic writeup.

My Dave Righetti is better than your Dave Righetti.

by howtheyscored on Aug 21, 2008 2:55 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

lol wut

by Rishi on Aug 21, 2008 7:04 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

lol yeah.

I like comedic form. I don’t always exercise when I try to be funny, but I like being able to break down what makes something succesful as comedy. It’s obvious that ryo1 put some effort into this, so I thought he deserved some feedback that was more comprehensive than “Hey, that’s really funny.”

Whatever, though.

My Dave Righetti is better than your Dave Righetti.

by howtheyscored on Aug 21, 2008 12:24 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

lol serious howie

Trent Kline: Decentish. Also, my website is called ChatterBalks Dot Com and on it I make jokes about things.

by groug on Aug 21, 2008 4:55 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

And now for another 7 months of hibernation.

My Dave Righetti is better than your Dave Righetti.

by howtheyscored on Aug 21, 2008 9:09 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

hmm

Seems like a long-winded way to say “nice job”

Never forget: I am a complete idiot

by Exhibit G on Aug 22, 2008 12:22 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

The whole point was that I thought it deserved a little more than “nice job.” And it is more substantive than that, anyway.

Did I go overboard? Maybe, sure. But really, that’s my prerogative to begin with.

My Dave Righetti is better than your Dave Righetti.

by howtheyscored on Aug 22, 2008 2:29 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

i would say i was taking the perspective of a man who got to where he was not through results but through perception, and thus has no confidence in his abilities. the traditional, know-it-all arrogant coach would never practice his steely gaze, because it'd spring naturally from his delusion. i wanted to talk more about this team and how it's perceived by the national media. last year people were actually picking them to win the division. which i found absolutely insane.

the niners used to be about substance over perception. no matter how many super bowls they won, people actually believed the “finesse” 49ers were a bunch of sissies who could never beat the MANLY bears.

In recent years the 49ers have become the polar opposite. Potential and perception have trumped actual results. this comes from the top down. i always hear announcers effusive in their praise of nolan, how he has the righted ship, even as he steers it straight into another iceberg. a man even with delusional confidence is typically humbled by repeated failure. but not nolan. it dawned on me that mike nolan isn’t confident, he’s image conscious. he’s like every kissass in the office, every guy with a firm handshake and nothing upstairs, save the tiny gerbil on a treadmill that powers the muscles in his face. he knows that as long as he can stay focused on looking confident, it will trigger the synapses of every human being with only a cursory knowledge of the team – say the commentators and national media. This snowballs into a sort of group hysteria. People start to inculcate the lie, and it becomes truth.

I honestly think a fatter, dirtier man would’ve been fired by now. Thankfully, the team hasn’t been good enough for nolan to blow a game that really matters. THAT’S my worst fear as a fan. Sure, it’s funny now, but if he blows a 4th down call that costs the team the championship…I don’t think I’d be able to recover.

Anyways, thanks for indulging my frustrations these past few weeks. to answer rishi, I’ll probably make one more semi-serious post, and maybe an occasional one here and there, but try to curb the cynicism for at least the rest of this season.

by ryo1 on Aug 27, 2008 3:42 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

oh and thanks for the feedback. mysteriously, that part got cut out of my post.

by ryo1 on Aug 27, 2008 3:44 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

My favorite line

I don’t even know how to read a compass, let alone use it for football.

STEVE HOLM! refuses to be the odd man out.

by UnleashTheGore on Aug 21, 2008 8:36 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Yah!

I liked that line too! Classic one!

"We Have a God who delights in impossibilities."

by 16to80endzone on Aug 21, 2008 5:25 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs

Now that’s a coach!

Formerly known as phutmasterflex

by PHUT! on Aug 21, 2008 11:27 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs

the mind of mike nolan

is broken

Rafael Rodriguez: Pretty young!

by BrianBokake on Aug 21, 2008 7:38 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

Absolutely hysterical

Perfect comedy, wouldn’t change a thing. I love the satire but every now and then there’s some blatant mocking to throw the reader off balance.

Might be my favorite quote – “Maybe then they’ll stop asking me so many questions about quarterbacks and challenges and fifth downs. Maybe then they’ll stop asking me so many questions about football.” LOL

by justinprime on Aug 26, 2008 11:25 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs