Thanks to mrinstigator for giving me this idea through previous work of brilliance. I am sorry but as a season ticket holder who has watched all of the gut wrenching losses play by play I need to allow myself this cathartic exercise.
Can you comment on Alex Smith's status for the Denver game?
MS: He came down hard on his shoulder, he might have been hurt. I was busy yelling at the referee for a bad call a few plays before that so I didn't see it happen. I'm not a doctor. I'm a football coach. And football coaches have three main jobs - yell at the referee, scratch head, and look at the film. I leave the game planning and game strategy to the opposing team. It isn't my job to be worried about what other people are doing - I have a team of capable men.
Did Alex Smith get an MRI on his left shoulder?
MS: No, he hasn't been through that yet. I did order a Catscan on David Carr to see if he has any memory of how to play football.
Is Alex Smith at the Doctor now?
MS: No. I don't think so. I think he is at Buckingham Palace with Eric Heitmann.
Is he going to the Doctor later? Where is the team planning to send him in the UK?
MS: Not until after we have a team meeting so I can apologize about my outburst in Charlotte and see who still believes we can get to the playoffs. We are in the UK? I thought we were in Las Vegas. Someone told me the rest of our games were exhibition and I should check in to the Golden Nugget immediately and until further notice. I thought London was a suite in that hotel.
Who told you to do that?
MS: Someone identifying himself as Vernon Davis. Can't be the Vernon on this team, because he is a tight end and doesn't make significant decisions involving personnel. Except starting QB decisions, sometimes. Well, a lot.
Could it have been Michael Crabtree playing some sort of joke?
MS: No, because Crabtree is in Vegas as well. He is joining Michael Lewis and Glen Coffee in a skybox a Tryst. They have reservations through the duration of the 2010 NFL season.
You are allowing that?
MS: I have other big things to worry about. I was busy trying to find Nate Davis' number. I was calling to lecture him about missing the marker on a third down rush back in the preseason. He really makes me mad. I was also calling Cody Ross to see if I could get his autograph. I think I might coach baseball next.
What do you know about baseball?
MS: I watch a lot of the game film. I can get done what we need to do. I can make sure we execute and focus. Doesn't that sound legit to you?
Did you speak to Anthony Davis about missing his protection assignment, which led to the Smith injury?
MS: Anthony Davis and Mike Iupati are grown men, if you want to play word association, I can do that. I can't discuss any significant conversations I had with my players, because I was in a blind rage and probably used about 5 different words in a few configurations. Kind of like Jimmy's offense.
OK, so Shawntae Spencer?
MS: Electric Slide
MS: OK! I've read about those psychology games enough to know you want an honest opinion and are trying to trick me into saying we stink. We are going to the playoffs. We will win the NFC west. I read it on the fortune cookie at dinner and Jed York, who has a long storied history of delivering on his promises, said it. He also says i will be here for three years as the leader of this team, and that's good enough for me. It's time to believe and not quit. Go out everyday and play. Stay focused and execute. Stay hungry. Play like grown men. Like glue. Like the Bears in the 80s.
Does someone have last week's transcript? Did I get everything?
Yes, you got it.
MS: Good. Don't want to forget the part about being hungry. I heard they are going to let us eat a lot in London. We are going to win the NFC west, after all.
Would you care to place a bet on that in Vegas, say to the tune of your next three years contract, assuming you stay at this organization?
MS: Let me talk to God about that first, and look at the film.
DIsclaimer: This was not a real press conference, although I still would agree with most of the opinions presented (as they are my own.)