The following is a press conference that never happened. Really though, it's a combination of press conferences, mostly from the early days of Mike Johnson's tenure. These were the days when we all foolishly believed the offense would diversify and the playbook would get beyond page one (we all know which plays are on that page...we've seen them repeatedly all year).
Yes this is a satirical piece and while I know that saying it's purely humor won't stop some of you from confusing it with the truth...I like to use disclaimers to at least cut down on the amount of flaming and criticism that makes me sleep in the shower at night with the cold water on.
Right, now that my little peace of mind (or maybe in my case it's actually "piece of mind" as in, that's all I've left at this point)...I thought this timely what with the questions of "will we see more spread looks now that Alex is coming back in and he knows the playbook and Dixon and Westbrook are good passing-offense-backs?" I think we all know the answer. They'll dress it up a few times, but the proof is in the pudding and thus far it's been vanilla flavored.
Join me after the jump for the [fake] press conference transcriptFake Press Conference (Never Happened) - Mike Johnson - Fall 2010
Q: Do you plan to open up the playbook now that you're the offensive coordinator?
A: Well we've certainly got a good base to work with, that is, Gore up the middle, Gore slight-left, Gore slight-right, Punt...ok that's pretty much the only page Jimmy used while he was here...so yeah, I think we'll turn to page two now.
A: Of course, absolutely (whispers to assistant: "He's #20, right?"). We're going to do some different things with all of our skill players to get them on the field.
Q: In what ways do you envision using Westbrook and Gore on the field at the same time?
A: Right, well mostly we'll probably bring them both in on 3rd down. Brian's got invaluable experience there. We'll probably get him out there, most likely in a position he's not familiar with. Alex will try to show him where to go, then we'll call a timeout before we get Delay of Game. Something like that.
Q: Any other ways you plan to use Westbrook?
A: We might also motion him out wide, and instead of calling time out, we might take the penalty. Or we'll take a sack...but he'll be on the field.
Q: When you say getting your play-makers on the field, what do you mean?
A: You mean besides the Westbrook packages with the penalties and timeouts?
Right, well what I mean is that we're going to get the ball in the hands of the guys on this team who are special talents.
Q: Any idea how you'll accomplish this?
A: Yes, what I mean is that we'll throw screen passes to every player on the team...even reporters too, what are you doing Sunday? You're what, a size 40?
Q: Has there been any thoughts on incorporating more outside running plays?
A: (again whispers to assistant: "Jimmy said that was illegal, didn't he? What the hell is he talking about?") Uh, yeah...we have a play where Frank goes up the middle then runs over to the sidelines for a gatorade.
Q: No, I mean plays where the run is designed to go to the outside
A: As far as I know you can't get a first down by going that way. You have to run towards the goal posts, I'm almost positive.
Q: Do you plan to use more passes on 3rd and long rather than draw plays?
A: I never draw plays. I always use the magic marker Jimmy left me. It erases if I make a mistake.
[no, I meant shotgun snap, then hand-off to Gore on 3rd and 27]
Yeah, I like that play too. Jimmy called it "setting up the punt".
Q: How about some passes in those situations?
A: Passes can lead to interceptions. Interceptions cost me my post-game cookie from coach Sing. Besides, Jimmy told me Andy Lee would beat me up if I don't give him at least 6 punts per game.
Q: Can you explain why Michael Crabtree has been relatively silent this year?
A: I think he had a cold for a while but otherwise he seems to speak at the appropriate volume.
[I meant in terms of receptions]
Look, Frank can't get 3 yards without Michael standing out there with a DB. Now if we throw it to Mike, Frank has NO chance to gain 3 yards, unless it bounces off Mike's hands to Frank...which almost happened in Seattle...a few times. We're still working on that play.
Q: What kind of backup plan do you have in the event that Frank Gore got injured and missed significant time?
A: I have Valiums in my pocket if that happens. I think I need one now, oh my word!
[So what would you do with Westbrook or Anthony Dixon if that were to happen?]
Are you tryin to give me a heart-attack? Who let you in here?! If I answer will you stop talking about such things?!
We have several different plays for those other guys in that case, God forbid!
Well, one is called "BW Gut", the other is "Dixon Dive" or "DD" for short...they're plays that utilize each player's unique abilities.
[That sounds like the same plays Gore runs but just different names??]
I said they were different, didn't I?
Is that all? Thanks and look for a new play this week. I call it "the long handoff that goes forward through the air".