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It has been foretold...

Ninjames' Note From The Future: Hello, Niners Nation of the past! I wrote this article a few months from now after a dominating performance by the 49ers over the Seahawks, but due to not sleeping for six days straight after SB Nation reverted to an actual slave-labor driven blog, I accidentally scheduled this post to go up a couple months in the past. What follows is a 100% accurate account of what actually has (will?) happened (-ed?) when the 49ers opened the season at Qwest Field against the division rival Seattle Seahawks. Also, just another little snippet from the future, user ItBurnzWhenIP... you will find your name becoming all-too real in the coming months. Stock up on cream.

Today is Monday, September 13th, and man does it feel good to be a 49ers fan right now, doesn't it? All that build-up in training camp, all those doubters and haters, and Fearless Frog losing his account in that bet with LondonNiner.. man I have never seen something so intense! How about that Taylor Mays, eh? For those of you who missed the game, I'll touch up a little bit...

The Seahawks came out trying to pass, and on the very first play, Hasselbeck found himself on the ground from a brutal sack off a safety blitz from Dashon Goldson. From then on it was just a matter of the 49ers defense being a little bit faster, anticipating a little bit better. It was clear off the bat (snap?) that the hype following Seattle's draft was a little bit overblown. For more on what went (will go) down, make the jump.

Star-divide

The 49ers starting defense was just as you'd expect it, Justin Smith, Aubrayo Franklin and Isaac Sopoaga composed the starting defensive line, but we saw more of Kentwan Balmer from the very first series which has to be encouraging for Niners fans. Parys Haralson, Takeo Spikes, Patrick Willis and Manny Lawson made the linebacking starts, with Clements, Spencer, Goldson and Lewis rounding out the starting secondary.

From the first snap the 49ers defense did their best to urge Matt Hasselbeck into retirement. Leon Washington got the hint as well, the second play of the game was even more jarring than the first, a brutal hit on the aging running back in the backfield for a fumble, courtesy of Patrick Willis. It was a big play, regardless of that fact that Russell Okung happened to be in the right place at the right time to recover the ball.

While it's true that each drive wasn't as dominant as that first for the 49ers defense, they set the tone early and it was clear they were the faster, more inspired and better prepared team out there. The Seattle offense just had nothing for them. Their lone touchdown came when their sole bright  spot, Golden Tate split cornerback Nate Clements and safety Michael Lewis on a beautifully sold play action. This came late in the third quarter.

The 49ers offense though, it was a thing of beauty. Smith commanded the huddle well, and the 49ers sent out a trio of running backs that had an eye for the end zone. The punts were fielded by Kyle Williams, who did well, but shone on offense, catching a sixteen yard touchdown pass over the middle between Lofa Tatupu and Earl Thomas on the 49ers first possession. The rest of the first half was dominated by Frank Gore and the offensive line.

Holes were not only made, but they were forced open and held ajar by Mike Iupati and the boys up front. Gore slammed through them and then punished the second line of the defense. Five yards, seven yards, eleven yards, he was unrelenting. Glen Coffee looked the smoothest between him and Anthony Dixon, getting 34 yards on four carries. The running game was unstoppable, and Seattle was tired.

Of course, this led the passing game to take advantage. At the half, the 'Hawks kicked off to the return tandem of Ted Ginn and Dominique Zeigler. Ziggy fielded the kickoff and took it into the Seahawks zone, to their 35-yard line. Crabtree powered into the endzone on the next play, beating Marcus Trufant for another touchdown.

To recap the recap, the 49ers scored on passes to Kyle Williams, Michael Crabtree, and punctuated it with a score in the fourth to Zeigler in the back of the endzone. Smith was whirling the ball around with confidence and went 27-35, Frank Gore added a score of his own on his way to 127 yards. A couple of Joe Nedney field goals and we've got ourselves quite a thrashing.

The Seahawks offense wasn't completely inept, in fact, they put up 16 points which is remarkable considering the statline of the 49ers defense. A pair of sacks for Haralson and Brooks each, 9 tackles from Patrick Willis and even a pass defensed by Taylor Mays. It was a thorough routing of the Seahawks which showcased a brutally fast and efficient bend-but-don't-break defense and an offense playing to what is likely above their own level after buying into their own hype. The 49ers dominated on offense (Alex Smith), on defense (Patrick Willis) and even on special teams coverage, Taylor Mays making every special teams tackle for the game. The Seahawks left game one in a lot of pain from the 49ers defense, feeling like their week one loss was a punishing playoff defeat. If you couldn't gather, the final score was 37-16.

Seven days from now the Saints will come to Candlestick Park and I'll see about accidentally scheduling another post in the past, you know, just because. It's not like Fooch can stop me... oh you don't know what I mean by that? Well I guess that makes sense, the mutiny doesn't take place until mid-July.. prepare for that, by the way. Fooch supporters will be first against the wall when the rebellion occurs.

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hahahahah

amazing. i cant wait for the game!!!! its definately gonna be an emotional game. good for niner fans, and bad for the seagulls! (nice makeup storyline btw. very well layed out)

A man's life is described either by his actions, words, or even the people who he loves and loves him.

by imjuliooo89 on Jun 22, 2010 2:32 PM PDT reply actions  

Perfect.

Hilarious/awesome idea for a post. And great “game recap”. If this is what really happens, it’ll be the best week 1 ever.

-Brett Gleason
-Daily Evergreen Staff Sports Writer

by Brett the 49er on Jun 22, 2010 2:33 PM PDT reply actions  

Where

is the Vernon Davis love? Jimmy Raye should have gotten him the ball more if he wants to break the record for most TDs by a TE.

by milldoo on Jun 22, 2010 2:45 PM PDT reply actions  

He was helping Frank Gore get nice and confident in week one.

Top Tip for England's next game: If you're watching on Sky+ press pause and wait a second before pressing play. Being a second or two behind the live play will give you that authentic Emile Heskey viewpoint.
Stalk me on Twitter!

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 2:47 PM PDT up reply actions  

thanks for the info future ninjames

if brandon jones reads this he’ll likely pull a nancy kerrigan on zeigler after practice

by 49er4life on Jun 22, 2010 2:48 PM PDT reply actions  

awesome!

just as good a post as the at least were not posts. very entertaining. curious to see where you go with week 2

by SuspendingBJ on Jun 22, 2010 2:52 PM PDT reply actions  

too bad lendale got cut...

he was my favorite target for seachicken ineptitude. i guess i’ll just have to set my sights on hassleback or aaron curry.

by t p on Jun 22, 2010 3:17 PM PDT reply actions  

Great

This was a great post, James. You had me LOLing at work. Or is it LingOL? Anyway, I loved the bit about ItburnzWhenIP and how Taylor Mays makes every single special teams tackle. Good stuff. Can’t wait for the next one.

I can't wait for Mango's sig to say "0 days to go".

by madmatt on Jun 22, 2010 3:39 PM PDT reply actions  

It’s a bit of bias on my part, but have you heard anything out of training camp about him? He got significant amounts of playing time, and in the end was seeing the field about as much as Jason Hill, was also back returning kicks/punts, and caught everything thrown his way. Not only that, but, any time a wide receiver had a problem with a route, our WR coach took them and showed them how Zeigler did it to show them how it’s done. He has A LOT of work to do but he’s finally showing a whole lot of potential, is the tallest WR he got, has some of the best hands and route running on the team. What does Jason Hill or Brandon Jones bring to the team that Crabtree and Morgan don’t already have? If you say anything about deep receiving threat I’ll probably commit suicide. Zeigler is a different WR.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 4:35 PM PDT up reply actions  

Zeigler

I would take him over Jones anyday. He really has had a lot of positives lately in training camp. If he can keep it up with pads on, I’m sure he will make the 53 man roster. I think the thing that helps him the most is returning kicks/punts. Best of luck to him!

Great write up too! I can’t wait to actually see it with my own eyes.

"If you don't love it, leave it! USA, number one!" - Ricky Stanzi

by Haggardninja on Jun 22, 2010 5:06 PM PDT up reply actions  

I am a little worried about him returning punts though....

I believe it was him a couple of years ago that was returning punts against Miami that REALLY cost us in field position because he kept fair catching punts inside the 10 yard line. That was sooooo freaking annoying

by sanfranfanmdk on Jun 22, 2010 6:05 PM PDT up reply actions  

He did have a fair catch problem, for sure.

But he was on a week of practice with those. This is a full offseason.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 11:00 PM PDT up reply actions  

sounds like Battle

"I will speak at times, when it's necessary, but I don't believe in talking just because you can." - P-52
Let's talk on Twitter

by Tre9er on Jun 23, 2010 2:42 AM PDT up reply actions  

Oh

Well I kind of dropped off the map for like the last 2 months so I know nothing. Just going by who made the team last year

by manraj7 on Jun 22, 2010 8:52 PM PDT up reply actions  

It's all good.

It’s definitely a long shot, I guess my bias is showing more and more because… I was so surprised that it seems like he’s actually getting that opportunity now, so I’m quick to defend him, haha.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 9:03 PM PDT up reply actions  

Its ok I can't dislike you

Because I live for your nuggets. Sometimes I even wake up at 3:00 so I will be the first one to view it.

by manraj7 on Jun 22, 2010 9:06 PM PDT up reply actions  

You lost me when you said the Seachickens would score 16 pts....

I mean I know you are trying to show a little compassion for them, but the only way they will score that many points is if the Niners have TO’s that give the Seahawks possessions in the red zone like last time. I think they will be lucky to even SEE our side of the 50 lol

by sanfranfanmdk on Jun 22, 2010 5:47 PM PDT reply actions  

Like I said. Bend-but-don’t-break defense. Note that the field goals were mostly in the 4th.. we had backups in. :]

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 5:55 PM PDT up reply actions  

Ahhhh I see lol

Maybe you should throw in a Nate Davis TD pass for some of those fanatics out there ;)

by sanfranfanmdk on Jun 22, 2010 5:58 PM PDT up reply actions  

I'd love to see Davis get a mop up td!

I truly hope that Davis DOES get into a few games this year to get his feet wet. We will never REALLY know what that kid has got until he is under fire. I am stoked to see the Niners OL being a STRONG point of the team instead of the weakest link! That is my one wish for the future! The Niners Offensive Line becomes one of the strongest units on the team and Solari is able to put together a tough, physical line that is physical but smart. The ability to pull a 300 lb tackle and have him lead a running play would be an awesome sight! Lets all hope for the Offensive line to Gel as fast as possible so the Niners fans don’t cringe every time we run the ball or so there aren’t a lot of false starts or off sides. It all starts in the trenches, and we have NEW soldiers in those trenches. Lets hope they can come together as a cohesive unit and BLOW people off the line of scrimmage! I know pass blocking will come in time, but the run blocking is what the Niners will have to hang their hat on! Iupati is one big tough SOB, and he will be a load pulling and leading a run play! Davis will become a very good RT in time. Go Future Niners !!

Another year, another chance to hope for the team !!

by FaStRmAn on Jun 22, 2010 9:25 PM PDT up reply actions  

Baas pulled regularly last year

and I would expect nothing less from Iupati. Now if Chilo could pull with the quickness…THAT would be pretty scary.

"I will speak at times, when it's necessary, but I don't believe in talking just because you can." - P-52
Let's talk on Twitter

by Tre9er on Jun 23, 2010 2:44 AM PDT up reply actions  

Zing!

Here’s my prediction for the future. While we rule the division for years the Seachickens become our new rival though they can never quite get it done against us.

Gimme 1 round!

by ItBurnzWhenIP on Jun 22, 2010 7:00 PM PDT reply actions  

And what of your username?

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 7:31 PM PDT up reply actions  

I know you didn't ask me, but......

I think ItBurnzWhenIP is the funniest username on this blog. And I like all the front page posts, but yours are the funniest. Thanks to the both of youz for a good laugh.

by McTee on Jun 22, 2010 9:05 PM PDT up reply actions  

Just trying to make the offseason bearable my friend.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 11:02 PM PDT up reply actions  

sigh.....

well he get’s to put up whatever he wants on the front page ya know…I can be funny!!

"I will speak at times, when it's necessary, but I don't believe in talking just because you can." - P-52
Let's talk on Twitter

by Tre9er on Jun 23, 2010 2:45 AM PDT up reply actions  

Thanx btw

It was the first thing that popped up to me when my usual moniker was basically a misspelling of a moderators name at an MMA forum. People thought I was a parody gimmick so I changed it. It stuck. I especially like how it plays off me being IP banned numerous times for trolling the Sherdog MMA forum.

Gimme 1 round!

by ItBurnzWhenIP on Jun 23, 2010 4:17 PM PDT up reply actions  

You troll Sherdog too?

’Sup man.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 23, 2010 4:35 PM PDT up reply actions  

Haven't in quite a while. But I had an especially good one that got picked up by several websites a while back

Talking about how my sources in Japan are telling me that Kid Yamamoto was training with BJ Penn for an upcoming fight with Takanori Gomi at an event dubbed Pride REBORN with co-promotion of FEG and the guys that abandoned ZUFFA when Pride was bought. (This is before Dream or Sengoku came around BTW so its kinda crazy how that part worked out) Then I linked to a Japanese MMA website article with picture of Kid Yamamoto at BJ Penn vs Jens Pulver. Nobody could read it and before somebody came to translate and could tell that it said nothing at all about that, it jumped off to like a 10+ page thread on Sherdog that was picked up on several other places.

Proudest moment of my e-life

Gimme 1 round!

by ItBurnzWhenIP on Jun 24, 2010 2:21 AM PDT up reply actions  

Man! Sounds fantastic, I must have missed it though.

Those guys are seriously… VERY easy to troll though, haha. Now I have to have like.. journalistic integrity and all that nonsense so no more of that for me, but it’s so easy to start a ten page war and then duck out immediately on that site. The amount of people who actually pretend they train over there is hilarious.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 24, 2010 3:28 AM PDT up reply actions  

Sorry if this text is a little mispelt but...

…I’m driving while texting on my way too reno to get my bet in. It took me a while to cash out all my cd’s and emptie my savings but I needed the money to put the house on the Niners and give the points! So glad to here they cover! Tell me, Ninjames, do I buy the Black Corvette or the new 4 door Porsche? I can’t wait till Im a millionare !!

Another year, another chance to hope for the team !!

by FaStRmAn on Jun 22, 2010 9:14 PM PDT reply actions  

I love it.

Go with the Porsche.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 11:02 PM PDT up reply actions  

the 4-door Porsche is butt-ugly

or rather, it has an ugly butt. If you’re going with a Porsche, it’s 911 Turbo all the way.
Otherwise, buy a ZR1.

I'm just not sure how much worse what Vick did than what "Ben" did. Glad he's not a Niner.

by grantmp on Jun 23, 2010 6:44 AM PDT up reply actions  

I think Porsche has a lot more cred than any 'Vette.

Any one person who says “I have a Corvette” if you say “Yeah? Well I’ve got a Porsche.” You pretty much win.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 23, 2010 8:37 AM PDT up reply actions   1 recs

Hey, I'm a Porsche fan

but unless you need 4 doors, I’d rather take the ZR1 because
a) it looks awesome
b) it’s got 120hp more than the Porsche
c) it’s $20,000 cheaper than the Porsche and goes significantly faster (3.0 sec 0-60 for the ZR1 vs. 4.0 sec for the turbo version of the Porsche)
d) it’s better balanced and lighter than the Porsche
e) it doesn’t sully a brand that’s otherwise awesome, but actually does the exact opposite.
Finally, you wouldn’t have to look at this:

Any other view is tolerable, but from the behind, it’s an absolute minga.

I'm just not sure how much worse what Vick did than what "Ben" did. Glad he's not a Niner.

by grantmp on Jun 24, 2010 6:58 AM PDT up reply actions  

I accidentally scheduled this post to go up a couple months in the past.

O RLY???

"I just struck out looking three times, but in any other ballpark those would have been home runs." - Aubrey Huff

by howtheyscored on Jun 22, 2010 9:41 PM PDT reply actions  

But I took that screenshot six and a half months from now!

"I just struck out looking three times, but in any other ballpark those would have been home runs." - Aubrey Huff

by howtheyscored on Jun 22, 2010 9:45 PM PDT up reply actions  

Yes, six and a half months into your intensive photoshop class. Despicable.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 9:47 PM PDT up reply actions  

I guess you can see the pixels on that oval….

"I just struck out looking three times, but in any other ballpark those would have been home runs." - Aubrey Huff

by howtheyscored on Jun 22, 2010 9:49 PM PDT up reply actions  

Bingo. The oval gave it away. Clearly a shoop.

Oddly enough, first time I saw the above picture my initial thought was “well at least they got the water line right”

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 9:51 PM PDT up reply actions  

Oh Howie.

Howie, Howie, Howie… the loyal pet of Fooch.. as I said… you were first against the wall when the rebellion came. Of course, this was before you ended up submitting to me and my mandatory cybernetic upgrade. Now you hold the title of “Ultra Moderator” under the banner of Ninjames, deleting heretic posts with fire. It’s a shame that your clone still insists on fighting back. However, I can tell, this is a photoshopped picture.

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 9:46 PM PDT up reply actions  

(for real though I love when I first came across that time travel message.. I also like when you delete a post it says something about destroying it as opposed to just deleting it.. awesome)

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 22, 2010 9:48 PM PDT up reply actions  

The cybernetic implants were pretty cool. Frankly, I only made the clone because I wanted to test some theories proposed in the movie Multiplicity. I had no idea he would end up causing so much trouble.

"I just struck out looking three times, but in any other ballpark those would have been home runs." - Aubrey Huff

by howtheyscored on Jun 22, 2010 9:51 PM PDT up reply actions  

Love this article ...

… good work my friend.

LondonNiner - member of the legendary David Carr thread, 6 March 2010.

by LondonNiner on Jun 22, 2010 10:24 PM PDT via mobile reply actions  

Seahawks

I was hoping Justin Forsett would have more impact on that game

by Amigo on Jun 23, 2010 12:32 AM PDT reply actions  

he did

he had an impact with Taylor Mays on special teams and was rendered useless thereafter

"I will speak at times, when it's necessary, but I don't believe in talking just because you can." - P-52
Let's talk on Twitter

by Tre9er on Jun 23, 2010 2:49 AM PDT up reply actions  

great read

very entertaining and very realistic. Now lets forward it to fieldgulls lol

Can u c coach sing's vision? I do!......We all know PATRICK WILLIS is our future!
May 12 2010 comment of the day award winner on the nuggets!

by DreZ on Jun 23, 2010 11:52 AM PDT reply actions  

They don't have a sense of humor.

I don’t want to be banned again

And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.

by James Brady on Jun 23, 2010 1:24 PM PDT up reply actions  

i was kidding

i know there feelings would be hurt but the truth does that from time to time

Can u c coach sing's vision? I do!......We all know PATRICK WILLIS is our future!
May 12 2010 comment of the day award winner on the nuggets!

by DreZ on Jun 23, 2010 6:47 PM PDT up reply actions  

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