At Least We're Not... The Dallas Cowboys!

Disclaimer: Regardless of how authentic I sound in this piece, it is completely satirical. It's a joke meant for entertainment purposes. While it is true many 49ers fans share a certain malice for Cowboys fans, we all know it goes both ways and each and every one of you have made a joke referencing San Francisco and sexual orientation. I do not like the Dallas Cowboys, I do not like Jerry Jones, and I legitimately think the stadium is horrifically ugly - but this is really not a place for serious discussion about the merits of our teams, and I sincerely hope none of you are bothered by this. If you are, it shows a serious amount of insecurity especially after this disclaimer. In short: we cool, bro.

The Dallas Cowboys. The Dallas... Cowboys. Since we're 49ers fans, I suppose I can end the article there and you guys would be thanking your lucky stars. But for the sake of kicking an old, tired and overrated dog while it's down... well I'll go ahead and continue.

I'll first start off by illustrating just how up their own [site decorum] the Cowboys are. They call themselves 'America's Team'. Now, it's well documented that Texas thinks it is ten times better than the rest of America, so I guess the moniker makes sense to them. It's true that they themselves didn't coin the term, but boy have they latched onto it like some...parasitic terrible football team, no?

I don't even know where to start, I really don't. I think back in the day, Terrell Owens did it right. I think the only way you can sum up how one should feel about the Cowboys is to gather up all that mucus and saliva and let it rip right into the middle of that obnoxious blue star, don't you think? Make the jump for more..

Ah, but it is my duty to make fun, so let me start with a man whose name inspires a whole lot of rhyming insults that most definitely apply: Tony Romo. When people talk about Tony Romo they note the fact that he is an incredibly nice dude. I won't disagree with that. He's so nice, in fact, that he was giving away free fumbled footballs (and interceptions) to the Eagles to the tune of 44-6 in December of 2008. That was a good day, was it not?

The Cowboys are also well-known for having the nicest head coach in the league. Wade Phillips is this soft-spoken, well-mannered gentleman who doesn't think twice about politely asking his players to get it in gear. I heard that one time in the locker room he planned on dropping his pants to illustrate a point about how the Cowboys were being rode harder than cowgirls, but after taking a vote he obliged with a gentle "Please guys, I'd be much appreciative if you could score some points... I don't right know how we should go about doing that because I don't know much else other than how to twist my face into a constant image of zero emotion, but please..." Or something along those lines. I might be paraphrasing right now, but who knows?

It's no wonder players like Terrell Owens and Adam Jones couldn't be contained, we have the nicest, most womanly football coach and quarterback in the league. Even Damarcus Ware, the team's best defensive player calls himself the Warewolf.. but I don't see it. He's lamer than the werewolves in Twilight, and that's saying something. 

I also think it's worth noting that the Cowboys just dumped 1.5+ billion dollars into their new stadium and it still looks horrendous. Despite the fact that you can pick up Candlestick and plop it inside of the new 'Boys stadium, it still manages to be one of the ugliest stadiums I've ever seen. No seriously, it's very clear their only design plan was "pack as many bodies into one spot as you possibly can, regardless of comfort." The stadium is designed solely to sell tickets, the experience you get there once you arrive isn't any of their concern, nor does the fact that their stadium is basically a giant pimple on the [site decorum[ of Texas, which, in its own right, is a state that deserves better. By the way, did you see the faces of 100,000 strong when the Cowboys lost that game opening the stadium? Priceless.

Something that brings me great joy is the Troy Aikman versus Joe Montana debate as far as who is the better quarterback. I love it when dicussions take place with people, Joe Montana, Peyton Manning, Sammy Baugh and all of them will come up, and then the one braindead Cowboys fan comes in with statements of Aikman being better than all of them.

News flash, Cowboys fans. Aikman was very good, but he ain't Joe Cool. Your guy is top five maybe, that's a huge maybe, and if anyone ever beats Montana for best quarterback of all time, it's Dan Marino. You're better off arguing your case against, say, Steve Young, and even then you don't have much to go by. It feels great to know that some of their favorite players would be near best at their positions if it wasn't for the 49ers. Michael Irvin? I say Jerry Rice to you. Troy Aikman? Joe Montana AND Steve Young, sir.

I'm going to cut this post short, considering my actual dislike of the Dallas Cowboys - but do note that the upcoming post on the Oakland Raiders is a long one, I may break it up into two parts. I'll leave off with this: Roy Williams was acquired from the Detroit Lions for 1st, 3rd and sixth round picks. I will let that sink in... has it yet? I doubt it has, that is some serious overpaying. I laughed for a good year or so, give or take a couple breaths here or there.

There are those who consider the NFC East (NFC BEast) one of the strongest divisions in the NFL - I argue that the Cowboys have been bringing down that average for the past decade. 

In Summation: At least our cheerleaders aren't more popular than our actual team. At least our stadium, while old, doesn't confuse and infuriate anyone with even the slightest taste in architecture. At least we have the best quarterback and wide receiver to play the game in our history. At least we've won every time we made it to the Super Bowl. At least our entire fanbase and team wasn't burned by the slow-witted Eli Manning after he signed their locker room pillar after crushing their hopes and dreams when they opened the stadium. At least when we trade for an overrated wide receiver with no clear skillset, we only make it a fifth rounder. At least we don't proclaim we're more prominent than we actually are. At least we don't have the nicest coach in the league and a team with zero discipline. At least our quarterback, while not the nicest guy, can hold onto the ball, which is saying a lot considering his rather small hands. At least we're not the DalLOSS Cowboys.

Disclaimer Redux: Regardless of how authentic I sound in this piece, it is completely satirical. It's a joke meant for entertainment purposes. While it is true many 49ers fans share a certain malice for Cowboys fans, we all know it goes both ways and each and every one of you have made a joke referencing San Francisco and sexual orientation. I do not like the Dallas Cowboys, I do not like Jerry Jones, and I legitimately think the stadium is horrifically ugly - but this is really not a place for serious discussion about the merits of our teams, and I sincerely hope none of you are bothered by this. If you are, it shows a serious amount of insecurity especially after this disclaimer. In short: we cool, bro.