It Has Been Foretold... 49ers @ Chiefs

Ninjames' Note: I was stunned when I found this in my gmail inbox. It seems something.. horrible may have happened to future Ninjames, and now it's Niners Nation user Tre9er sending me a recap from the future! Tre can't schedule posts with his level (user) so he obviously emailed me, and I've obliged him by scheduling it for him. Note that everything you read after this sentence was written by Niners Nation user and frequent awesome contributer Tre9er.

Tre9er's Note From The Future: It's Sunday afternoon, September 26th, 2010 and I just witnessed a murder...actually, 53 murders.  I'm locked in my hotel room in Kansas City in a sort of self-imposed witness protection program.  Embedded in my hindquarters are a few fragments of stone arrow-heads thrown by angry Chiefs fans as us 49ers faithful were chased out of the stadium ironically named "Arrow Head".  I've heard of sore losers but I mean, c'mon...was all that really necessary?  Did they really think their team stood a chance against the team that only last week dismantled the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints in scoreboard-shattering (literally) fashion?  Actually, come to think of it...funny thing is, the scoreboards in Arrow Head didn't fare much better but we'll get into that below.

The Chiefs took the field to much fanfare, smoke, fireworks and all of that.  The crowd was obviously feeling foolishly optimistic about their chances in this game, probably due to the stellar play thus-far of two of their rookies: Eric Berry and Dexter McCluster.  Berry had completed the first ever "trifecta-tackle" in the previous game with the Browns, blitzing up the middle and tackling Alex Mack, Jake Delhomme and Jerome Harrison simultaneously for a 13 yard loss on the play.  Meanwhile McCluster had done something never seen before in the Chief's week 1 game against the San Diego Chargers.  On a particular play McCluster took the ball on a hand off up the middle for a 20 yard gain before turning around, passing the ball backwards to Matt Cassel, then running 50 yards down the field before catching a bomb for a touchdown.  Vincent Jackson was seen chugging a bottle of gin on the sideline shortly thereafter.

The Chiefs were 2-0 and much improved over their 2009 team, or so it seemed.  Still they would find their new found faith misplaced by day's end, as all 53 players would die...a little...inside...after a demoralizing loss.  After the jump we find out the gruesome details...

The opening kickoff was surprisingly non-spectacular in this game.  Taylor Mays was again on the field as the gunner and upon receiving the kick, running back Dantrell Savage spotted Mays streaking down the field in his direction.  Amazingly, though Savage lost consciousness, falling limp to the ground at the nine yard-line, he was able to maintain possession of the football.

On the first play of the drive the Chiefs came out in their Tomohawk formation with McCluster lining up in the shotgun at QB flanked by Jamaal Charles.  Dashon Goldson quickly yelled out a defensive audible and crept toward the line of scrimmage.  Upon the snap Goldson leaped over the center and caught the ball before it reached McCluster's waiting hands.

Unfortunately for the Chiefs things would only get worse.

The 49ers came out in 11 personnel with Frank Gore, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Kyle Williams and Ted Ginn, Jr.  It was a bunch right formation that saw the Chiefs literally running into one another trying to match up with the three 49ers receivers.  On the snap of the ball a cloud of dust could be seen for a moment followed by Ginn shooting down the sideline trailing smoke.  Alex Smith pump-faked to Ginn causing six Chiefs defenders to turn completely around and run after Ginn, leaving Kyle Williams all alone 30 yards down the middle of the field.  Most of the Chiefs secondary had collected in a human-ball near the tunnel as they crashed into one another in a vain effort to stop running as Ginn put the brakes on.  Williams lay down at the 20 yard line and rolled like a log sideways into the endzone for the touchdown.

Todd Haley tried to throw his headset, forgetting it was attached to his belt by a wire, only to see it swing around and clip him in the lower groin region.  He seemed to be in some discomfort thereafter.

The next three Chiefs possessions consisted of four consecutive kneel-downs followed by the offense running and hiding behind the bench.  Manny Lawson and Parys Haralson meanwhile were involved in a sweet game of dominoes on the Kansas City logo at mid-field, each time disappointed that a turnover on downs had occurred, postponing their contest.

At one point Taylor Mays and Dashon Goldson ended up on the field at the same time.  The entire crowd rose to their feet as an eerie silence prevailed.  The air poured over the edges of the stadium as though it were being sucked in by a vacuum.  As Matt Cassel and the two safeties stared each other down, a tumbleweed rolled across the field.  Then, in one of the most odd things I've ever seen, Mays casually walked up to the line of scrimmage just as the ball was hiked.  Cassel, seeing Mays in front of him, took the ball, looked deep into the former USC all-star's eyes, and simply handed Mays the football as though a Christmas present.  Mays looked down at the gift, then back at Cassel as though to say "Thank you", then turned around and back peddled into the endzone from 40 yards out.  He was clocked at 4.31 seconds.

At the half the score was 59-0 in favor of the 49ers.

In the second half the 49ers turned to the run game on offense.  Frank Gore, already with four touchdowns on 231 yard rushing, was in street clothes at this point.  First year running back Anthony Dixon saw most of the carries as he routinely followed a cow-catcher-like wedge of Mike Iupati, Eric Heitmann, and Anthony Davis down the field.  Defenders would meet the "V" shaped group of linemen and literally bounce off to either sideline.  Eric Berry was the only player able to withstand the raw power of the 49ers blockers as he helplessly was driven backwards, cleats leaving streaks of torn turf behind him, into the endzone.

The score was 99-0 late in the third quarter when Dominique Zeigler one-handed a pass from the erratic Nate Davis where Zeigler's arm could be seen on the replay extending over the goal post to make the catch.  At this point the Chiefs' scoreboard, which only had two numeric positions for each team's score, exploded in bursts of sparks and smoke.

By the start of the fourth quarter even the assistant coaches had to be carried off the sidelines to the locker room with heart-attack-type symptoms.  The Chiefs offense refused to take the field mid-way through the fourth quarter and the game ended in forfeit.  The final score would have been at or above 113-0.

Travis LaBoy had a stand-out 4 sacks in the only possession in which he played as the 49ers marched the third-team defense onto the field.  Ray McDonald blocked the Chiefs only field goal attempt, a 62 yard try (the closest thing to a scoring opportunity Kansas City had in the game) which was returned for a touchdown by Aubrayo Franklin.  Franklin carried seven Chiefs players into the endzone, looking like a 49ers locomotive pulling a train of KC players behind him.

There were no Chiefs players on the field at the time of the post-game handshake as they were all either in the team's medical facility or being rushed to the hospital for treatment.  Most had not actually been contacted by any 49ers players, rather were in a state of shock over the horrors they had seen on the field.  It was also at this point that I was chased out of the field as mentioned above in the "Note from the future".