At Least We're Not... The Arizona Fraudinals! (Redux)

Disclaimer: This post is, like the others in this series, entirely satirical. I wrote it at 7 in the morning after staying up all night and I can't quite tell if I'm asleep or not. Nothing I say in this piece should be taken seriously, and you most certainly should not take a page from the Green Bay Packer fans and their silly little book and email me about grammar mistakes I may or may not have made. It's all in good fun.

So, it seems a few Cardinals fans were upset with the comments I made about their "football team". That didn't bother me one bit, I mean, the last couple seasons have been the only bit of team pride they've ever been able to showcase. I think we can give them a break there, no? What got to me were the comments asking for the post to be a bit more on the insulting side with more humor.

Well you can't have everything you ask for. Since you all didn't get that Super Bowl victory you begged for, I suppose I can oblige with more humor after spending a whopping six minutes on the last one. It must be hard rooting for mediocrity for as long as they have, and when they FINALLY get a face of the franchise, it happens to be an old, wrinkly face with a gray beard. Charming. Your face of the franchise preached about Jesus and probably won't remember the Cardinals in his old age--all he'll remember is the Rams and winning a Super Bowl, not the fradulent run the Cardinals themselves took.

So who then, is the face of the franchise? Is it Darnell Docket, or is it Jar Jar Bi.. er.. Larry Fitzgerald? No seriously, look at him. Tell me there's no resemblance. That's right... you can't. He looks JUST like him in every way.

What about the state of Arizona? The Cardinals had to make their team named after an entire state after stints in St. Louis and Chicago produced nothing but the worst of mediocrity. They soon realized that they would need the entire population of Arizona to keep their franchise afloat as they hemhorage fans left and right.

But I suppose they are based out of Tempe, Arizona, a town which has a transportation system based entirely on attempted suicide and ambulance rides, and a chief demographic of old people with phlebitis. It's a city which was largely not represented by any type of professional football fan (there are actually more Bears fans than Cardinals fans) until the Cards made the Super Bowl. Then everyone was proud to be an Arizona-ian... until, you know, they realized their state sucked and their football team sucked even more. Suicide rates shot up higher than their usual percentage of around 65. Which is impressive if you admire mediocrity and stupidity, because recent reports suggest that at least 200% of the population attempts said suicide.

Have you seen the list of Tempe sister cities, as well? You probably haven't, because you probably didn't know it existed. I won't even list them, just know that it screams irrelevance. 

In the Cardinals storied history... and I say storied in the same vein that horrible, awful accounts of trainwrecks and cannibalism can be called storied... they have only won two NFL championships. In 1925 and 1947. Well actually, only 1947 because they were awarded the 1925 championship under false pretences. They were basically given the championship, much like they were given a 2009 divisional playoff game by league officials. Remember? It's as if it happened last year.

Either way, neither of their two championships amount to even one Super Bowl, let alone five. In the six-plus decades since winning their 1947 championship (a year in which I imagine the rest of the league was on vacation), they've qualified for the playoffs only six times, and won only five playoff games, three of which they achieved in the 2008 playoffs. I feel bad for them.. what say we give them some of our wins, eh? They could use 'em, I'm sure.

The team has no hall of famers since moving to Arizona, and for the most part, some largely irrelevant HoF'ers throughout their history. On the current roster.. well let's just say I'm not holding my breath on anyone but Larry Fitzgerald having any kind of decent career. Still, if he ends up falling flat on his face as far as his football career is concerned, I hear they're casting for a remake of The Phantom Menace.

And I seriously, seriously think I deserve props for writing what is supposed to be a humorous piece without mentioning Matt Leinart. Props? 

In Summation: At least our football players don't try and convert a fanbase to their religion. At least players who have played for us will remember the greatness of the 49ers. At least our players don't look embarrassingly like terrible, terrible characters in science fiction movies. At least we can carry a fanbase with the city of San Francisco, and not an entire state. At least our entire fanbase isn't made up of the elderly retirees. At least San Francisco has some totally rad sister cities like Ho Chi Minh City, Osaka and Sydney. At least we have a history worth reading about. At least it's a history not marred by fake championship wins and actual super bowls. At least we are represented by some of the best players to play the game, unlike the Cardinals. At least we're not the Arizona Cardinals.

Disclaimer Redux: This post is, like the others in this series, entirely satirical. I wrote it at 7 in the morning after staying up all night and I can't quite tell if I'm asleep or not. Nothing I say in this piece should be taken seriously, and you most certainly should not take a page from the Green Bay Packer fans and their silly little book and email me about grammar mistakes I may or may not have made. It's all in good fun.