I'm tired of these San Francisco 49ers on this Superbad plane!
by Andrew Davidson on Jul 21, 2010 11:00 AM PDT
in San Francisco 49ers News
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PrintGreetings and salutations earthlings and welcome to another edition of Andrew Davidson writes up a completely useless article. Today, I'll try to figure out which movie the San Francisco 49ers most resemble over the past several seasons. The team likely doesn't resemble just one movie, so I'll take a look at a few and we'll let the fans decide. First in the huddle, is the movie Superbad, because face it Niners Nation, San Francisco has been quite superbad.
Superbad - Well, Alex Smith wasn't exactly an underage drinker when he entered the league, but he certainly played like it at times. Smith has had to awkwardly sing in front of fans since coming into the league, so I'd give him the role of Evan, and Scot McCloughan the role of Seth. McCloughan receives the role of Seth, because Lance Briggs perioded on his leg back in 2008. Much like Seth, Scot was on the dance floor getting grinded by Briggs, but the NFL found blood on McCloughan's leg and were pretty upset (resulting in tampering charges). Evan and Seth escaped with a small amount of damage, just in time to meet up with McLoven and get to the party. The 49ers are desperately trying to meet up with McLoven and get to the playoffs, so the connection isn't quite complete just yet. McCloughan has left the 49ers, much like Seth and Evan parting ways and going to separate colleges.
Snakes on a Plane - Truth be told, I haven't actually seen this movie, but I can imagine Mike Singletary as Samuel L. Jackson. In the movie, Jackson is "tired of these [site decorum] snakes on this [site decorum] plane". In Coach Sing's first game as Head Coach, he wanted winners and when there were snakes on the plane coach proclaimed "Cannot play with them, cannot win with them, cannot coach with them, can't do it". In other words, he was tired of these [site decorum] snakes on this [site decorum] plane. I'm not sure how Snakes on a Plane ended, but we know that Mike Singletary has turned Vernon Davis into a leader and captain. I doubt Sam Jackson put the "C" on any of the snakes he encountered, but you can bet he snubbed them out just as efficiently as Singletary has.
Full Metal Jacket - The role of Private Pyle (played by Vincent D'Onofrio) is awarded to the San Francisco 49ers. The first half of Full Metal Jacket goes through the lives of several individuals at Gunnery Sergeant Hartman's bootcamp. Hartman's goal is to turn the individuals into killers before sending them off to Vietnam, consider Hartman Mike Nolan (except a funnier version). Private Pyle is fat and out of shape and struggles to complete obstacles (or anyting for that matter), much like the 49ers when Mike Nolan came into town. It takes the entire squad at bootcamp to violently assualt Pyle with bars of soap wrapped in towels to get Pyle squared away, much like the years of abuse the 49ers suffered in the NFC West. Eventually Pyle makes it as a rifleman in the Marine Corps, but before he's deployed he fires a "7-6-2 Millimeter, Full Metal Jacket" round straight through Hartman's chest (in the bathroom no less). Mike Nolan was fired by the 49ers, let's just hope San Francisco doesn't turn the gun on themselves.
Ok, so that's three movies I seem similarities in. While I am focusing on the 49ers more of the past than the future (or modern day), I stand by my choices. What about you Niners Nation, what movie do the 49ers most resemble in your eyes?
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Snakes on the Plane
One of Samuel L Jackson’s finest films. Comparing him to Sing is pretty close. Both are people who know what needs to be done and people understand that following him will lead to safety. He’s harsh, he’s mean, but he’s so right!
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yeah that one I get
the other two might be a bit of a stretch
by foosball4949 on Jul 21, 2010 11:08 AM PDT up reply actions
I have always thought ...
… that a movie would end up getting made about Sing, and that Morgan Freeman would play him.
LondonNiner - member of the legendary David Carr thread, 6 March 2010.
by LondonNiner on Jul 21, 2010 12:57 PM PDT up reply actions
So basically you are saying that Mike Singletary=Nelson Mandela?
by Andrew Davidson on Jul 21, 2010 2:06 PM PDT up reply actions
Just a heads up to anyone reading these comments, my Yahoo! fantasy football league had a member drop out, so we need a 16th team. It’s through Yahoo! and here’s the info, League ID#: 5729 Password: nn
by Andrew Davidson on Jul 21, 2010 11:38 AM PDT reply actions
Mannequin
Nearly every year we are hopeful and we think we have a hot chick to call our own, and then about 5-6 games in we realize, aw damn, its just a frickin mannequin.
Maybe this is the year when we save the Niners from the mannequin-grinding-machine and our true love turns her real forever.
by fjm on Jul 21, 2010 12:23 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
totally Rec'd
Love the Mannequin comparison.
by Andrew Davidson on Jul 21, 2010 12:32 PM PDT up reply actions
Now, this, my friends, is the offseason.
And then God created Saturn... and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Twitter me and what not.
you definitely have the off part correct sir. :)
by Andrew Davidson on Jul 21, 2010 2:07 PM PDT up reply actions
Ok...this post was pretty bad...
…but it IS the week before camp. So I forgive you.
Since you asked the question: I’m hoping we’re more like “Any given Sunday” or “Varsity Blues” (without the starting QB being injured part, of course)
Any Given Sunday – The two guys in front of Nate Davis get hurt and Davis has a Willie Beamon like rise to fame. I can live with that, but I think Singletary is a much better HC than Pacino.
Varsity Blues – Alex Boone asks his english teacher to prom after seeing her dance at a strip club. Alex Smith gets injured, David Carr steps in, Denise York puts on a whipped cream bathing suit. Not sure I like this one so much. ;)
by Andrew Davidson on Jul 21, 2010 2:10 PM PDT up reply actions
Plain sick
Varsity Blues – Alex Boone asks his english teacher to prom after seeing her dance at a strip club. Alex Smith gets injured, David Carr steps in, Denise York puts on a whipped cream bathing suit. Not sure I like this one so much
2009 49ers season as a movie = Body of Lies
Roger Ferris = 49ers Defense
Ed Hoffman = Scott McCloughan
Hani = Mike Singletary
Aisha = Michael Crabtree
Omar Sadiki = Alex Smith / Shaun Hill
Al-Saleem = LOLine
Garland = Greg Manusky
Skip = 49ers Punt Return
Mustafa Karami = Glen Coffee
Body of Lie
Is that the one with Dicaprio and Crowe? I take it Dicaprio is Ferris and destroys everything his path, while Crowe is McCloughan and gives tips away to the enemy?
I haven’t seen the movie, but I can already tell you I don’t like Skip or Al-Saleem.
by Andrew Davidson on Jul 21, 2010 3:09 PM PDT up reply actions
Dicaprio = Ferris, Crowe = Hoffman
Ferris (49ers Defense) is on the front lines fighting terrorism (trying to win the NFC West), BTW he’s very talented, tough and savvy. Hoffman (McC) is the clueless prick back in Washington making all the wrong crucial decisions. Hoffman (McC) sends Ferris (49ers D) to work with Hani (Singletary), head Syranian CIA type who knows infinitely more about fighting Islamic terrorists (winning) than bluetooth warrior Hoffman (McC).
Hani (Singletary) quickly flips a low level terrorists Mustafa Karami (Coffee) into becoming a double agent by threatening to tell his mother how much of a disappointment he is. Through Karami (Coffee), Ferris (49ers D) and Hani (Singletary) learn of a terrorist safe house (ball control offense) and start successfully curbing the terrorists network (49ers terrorist offense). That is until Hoffman (McC/Nolan hire Al Everest) behind Ferris/Hani back, orders Skip (Brandon Jones) to get aggressive monitoring the house giving away the operation (Brandon Jones effing double reverse fumble on punt return) . . . and of course Hoffman’s other crew (49ers punt returners Rossum, Battle, Clements, etc) have been constantly screwing up the entire movie. Meanwhile Ferris meets a nice Islamic girl Aisha (Michael Crabtree) but can never quite to convince her to join his camp, per say.
With plan A foiled, Ferris returns to Washington to meet up with Garland (Greg Manusky) to create their own fake terrorist network (Spread Offense) in hopes of luring out the head terrorist (LOLine) who Hoffman (McC) hasn’t come close to sniffing let alone catching in years. Unknown to Omar Sadiki (Alex Smith), an Arab business man, Ferris/Garland are propping him up to be the next top terrorist through fake communications, bank records and orchestrated terriorists attacks (TD passes to Vernon Davis). Al-Saleem (LOLine) gets jealous and kills Omar Sadiki (now Shaun Hill).
Aisha also goes missing during this ordeal which prompts Ferris (desperate 49ers D) to exchange himself for Aisha. Hoffman (McC) setups a satellite network to track Ferris after the exchange to catch the terrorists but of course his plan is easily foiled cause he’s stupid and out of touch (like 2009 class of free agents), losing Ferris to terrorists. Just before Al-Saleem (LOLine) is about to kill Ferris (49ers D, essentially current 49ers franchise), Hani (Singletary) busts into the hideout to save Ferris (salvage an 8-8 season) and capture Al-Saleem (LOLine).
Hani (Singletary) had been using Ferris as a pond the whole time and knew about his fake terrorist network plan, basically because he is smart and knows everything (see WINNERS). He faked the kidnap of Aisha cause he knew Ferris would exchange himself, than gave Ferris to the Al-Saleem (put the ball in the offenses hands) because he knew it would lure them out of the hiding hole (unexplainable mid-season failures year after year). His double agent (Coffee) tipped him to the hideout (epic 3-and-out failures late against the Vikings). Now with Ferris (49ers D) saved, Aisha (Crabtree) unharmed, Al-Saleem (LOLine) jailed and Hoffman (McC) out of the picture it’s Hani (Singletary) who can restore peace to the Middle East (win the NFC West in 2010).
by bignerd on Jul 21, 2010 4:32 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
well done sir
well done indeed. Rec’d, and now I don’t need to watch the movie either (that’s a bonus, I’m not a huge Dicaprio fan).
by Andrew Davidson on Jul 21, 2010 4:49 PM PDT up reply actions
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