Greetings and salutations earthlings and welcome to another edition of Andrew Davidson writes up a completely useless article. Today, I'll try to figure out which movie the San Francisco 49ers most resemble over the past several seasons. The team likely doesn't resemble just one movie, so I'll take a look at a few and we'll let the fans decide. First in the huddle, is the movie Superbad, because face it Niners Nation, San Francisco has been quite superbad.
Superbad - Well, Alex Smith wasn't exactly an underage drinker when he entered the league, but he certainly played like it at times. Smith has had to awkwardly sing in front of fans since coming into the league, so I'd give him the role of Evan, and Scot McCloughan the role of Seth. McCloughan receives the role of Seth, because Lance Briggs perioded on his leg back in 2008. Much like Seth, Scot was on the dance floor getting grinded by Briggs, but the NFL found blood on McCloughan's leg and were pretty upset (resulting in tampering charges). Evan and Seth escaped with a small amount of damage, just in time to meet up with McLoven and get to the party. The 49ers are desperately trying to meet up with McLoven and get to the playoffs, so the connection isn't quite complete just yet. McCloughan has left the 49ers, much like Seth and Evan parting ways and going to separate colleges.
Snakes on a Plane - Truth be told, I haven't actually seen this movie, but I can imagine Mike Singletary as Samuel L. Jackson. In the movie, Jackson is "tired of these [site decorum] snakes on this [site decorum] plane". In Coach Sing's first game as Head Coach, he wanted winners and when there were snakes on the plane coach proclaimed "Cannot play with them, cannot win with them, cannot coach with them, can't do it". In other words, he was tired of these [site decorum] snakes on this [site decorum] plane. I'm not sure how Snakes on a Plane ended, but we know that Mike Singletary has turned Vernon Davis into a leader and captain. I doubt Sam Jackson put the "C" on any of the snakes he encountered, but you can bet he snubbed them out just as efficiently as Singletary has.
Full Metal Jacket - The role of Private Pyle (played by Vincent D'Onofrio) is awarded to the San Francisco 49ers. The first half of Full Metal Jacket goes through the lives of several individuals at Gunnery Sergeant Hartman's bootcamp. Hartman's goal is to turn the individuals into killers before sending them off to Vietnam, consider Hartman Mike Nolan (except a funnier version). Private Pyle is fat and out of shape and struggles to complete obstacles (or anyting for that matter), much like the 49ers when Mike Nolan came into town. It takes the entire squad at bootcamp to violently assualt Pyle with bars of soap wrapped in towels to get Pyle squared away, much like the years of abuse the 49ers suffered in the NFC West. Eventually Pyle makes it as a rifleman in the Marine Corps, but before he's deployed he fires a "7-6-2 Millimeter, Full Metal Jacket" round straight through Hartman's chest (in the bathroom no less). Mike Nolan was fired by the 49ers, let's just hope San Francisco doesn't turn the gun on themselves.
Ok, so that's three movies I seem similarities in. While I am focusing on the 49ers more of the past than the future (or modern day), I stand by my choices. What about you Niners Nation, what movie do the 49ers most resemble in your eyes?