Commissioner Goodell: Come on in and sit down at my desk, Shaun. You can keep your onion rings with you. How are you doing today?
Shaun Smith: Jes’ fine, Commissioner and y’self?
Commissioner Goodell: Fine, Shaun. Do you know why I asked you to come here?
Shaun Smith: I have no clue, Commissioner. (munch, munch)
Commissioner Goodell: Well, my office has received some reports about you touching other people’s genitals. Alex Mack of the Browns, Anthony Davis of the 49ers and the first two rows of section 108 in Cleveland Brown Stadium have all filed complaints.
Shaun Smith: Commissioner, I have no idea why they would say anything like that (munch, munch). How do they know it was me?
Commissioner Goodell: Well, they saw you coming out of the Chief’s huddle wearing #90. At 325lbs, you’re pretty hard to mi…..HEY, WHY DID YOUR HAND JUST TOUCH MY JUNK, SMITH!!
Shaun Smith: What hand? (munch, munch)
Commissioner Goodell: THE HAND THAT DOESN’T HAVE AN ONION RING IN IT!
Shaun Smith: Are you sure it was me? (munch, munch)
Commissioner Goodell: Well Shaun, my secretary’s in the next room, Mrs. Goodell’s in New Jersey, we’re the only two people in this room and I’ve got an onion ring grease stain on the crotch of my slacks – umm yeah, I’m pretty sure it was you.
Shaun Smith: I don’t remember doin’ that (munch, munch)