Mount Lombard or The Incredibles? The Niners Exposed...

Anthony Dixon is a like a body builder terminator that does parkour.  He's 240 pound of pure muscle, but he outruns people to the corner, hurdles defenders on some plays, shoves them into the dirt with just one hand on others.  What most fans probably don't realize however is that this is pretty much how Hercules started.  In the end, Hercules could hold the world on his shoulders, fight many headed dragons, and outwit kings.  I would like to make the case that the world will someday be telling the stories of the San Francisco 49ers just the way we would tell a Greek myth.  I've mentioned Anthony Dixon, but Mount Lombard doesn't stop with Hermes. Now what I'm wondering is this: "Are there fallen gods on the 49ers, or are they undercover super heroes?"  Now you may not recall, but  shortly after the fall of Rome, there was a demi-god uprising and the rulers of Mount Olympus and their many relatives were forced out of power.  They were believed to have been locked up in a special ice prison under the north pole, but with the recent global warming it is possible that they have escaped.  I do know that several of the Niners are indeed descended from the Gods of old, however, what about the other players?  During the superhero deportation act, all superheros were legally required to cease using their powers and reside among us; average citizens, average heroes.  Are they beginning to slip up and break their cover? Let's take a look...

Joe Nedney is to some just a guy who gets paid to kick a ball around.  The same could be said about Andy Lee.  However, there is a much deeper story here which I feel must be told.  There were once two brothers.  They seemed to be like most young boys, but with a deeper love for violence than most.  What these two did not know was that their parents were gods.  Like most boys Joe and Andy would put gum on the bottom of park benches, throw sand at little girls, and try to catch ducks.  One day they were at the park with their guardian Brian Jennings (a demi-god assigned to mentor and protect them).  It was on this day that they discovered something truly unique.  Brian would startle the ducks so they would fly towards Andy, and Andy somehow always caught one.  However, the very first time this happened Brian was horrified when Andy calmly drop-kicked the helpless animal into the sky.  To their amazement, the animal calmly spread its wings and flew off.  From that day forward Andy was assigned the task of teaching all baby birds to fly.  He was good at it too!

Brian of course wanted Joe to try it.  Unfortunately, Joe was better at making pillows than he was at aiding flight, or more important to him, getting a girlfriend.  Joe tried everything to catch the eye of pretty young girls.  He tried the backwards hat routine, the great athlete routine, even the hold out routine.  The poor guy was just better at breaking stuff than he was at catching someone's eye.  With growing sorrow he resigned himself to be a bachelor forever.  It was then that he discovered his true gift.  Brian assigned him the task of kicking new stars into place in the constellations.  This made Joe very happy.

The story of these two was not hard to find. After all, with all those years at the park there were many witnesses of their incredible gifts. It was not hard to trace those two little boys to the current 49ers players kicking balls around with complete ease.  The other 49er players were a little harder to see.  However, one of them finally made some obvious mistakes.

It might seem like Alex Boone was just another dumb college kid who straightened his life out.  But after several misdemeanors and a recent practice field escapade, it all became clear to me.  How many dumb college kids have to be tasered multiple times before they are subdued?  This in itself does not incriminate the man, but it was enough to make me suspicious. When he somehow showed up this year with a vastly improved body and quicker feet my suspicions flooded back.  My doubt was confirmed when he broke a blocking sled in practice!  How many guys do you know that change from fat and sloppy to trim and good looking in year? How many do you know that run around on smashing windows and jumping on cars in utter defiance of taser attempts while in college, but suddenly in the pros is as quiet and dedicated as Michael Robinson a pro should be?  How many guys go from getting pushed around in practice to breaking a blocking sled?  Alex Boone is no ordinary person, that is for sure.  I personally believe he is descended from Jack-Jack, last of the super heroes.  Campfire anyone?

Patrick Willis is speed. Patrick Willis is silence.  When off the field Patrick Willis dons his alter ego: The Old Spice Man!  Chuck Norris checks his closet for Patrick Willis before he goes to bed.  Jeremy Shockey thinks Patrick Willis is a w....well, put it this way; when was the last time you heard anything from Mr. Shockey?  I don't mean to imply anything, but the tubes on those shoes had to made out of something didn't they?  What's the real reason you think Patrick Willis wants you tromping around in them all the time? 

It is no secret that Patrick Willis is the keeper of the underworld, most feared of all his kind. You may be wondering why he let Al Davis out of his cave. Well I think we all know the answer to that question, cough cough, Bayward Hey! 

You may have heard references in the Christian Bible to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  Well now we finally know their names.  At their head rides Patrick Willis. Just behind him come Mays, Goldson, and Takeo Spikes.  I still wonder at the audacity of D.D.(Dudley Dursley Darnell Dockett) and the way he taunts these guys...

Mike Singletary is the coach of this band of titans. However, this is a man, no a being who is completely shrouded in mystery. He turns rebellion into dedication, stops division with mysterious treatments administered away from prying eyes, and hypnotizes not just a team, but thousands of people with the mere dropping of his pants.  What those players saw the day those pants fell may always be a mystery, but it has become almost the holy grail of the NFL.  Why else do you think so many players want to come to the Niners over other teams?  I fully mean to crack the mystery behind Mike Singletary, even if it's the last thing I do...


This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors.

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