In the back of a dimly lit bar, James Harrison approaches a shadowed booth….
Harrison: Yo coach, what’s crackin?
Tomlin: Keep it down moron, Goodell’s spies are everywhere.
Harrison: [rolls eyes and sits] Whatev coach. You wanted to see me?
Tomlin: You ditched your tail like I told you?
Harrison: Yeah, I ditched them Shaft-style at the car wash. I wasn’t happy about jumpin in the Prius, but that thing gets surprisingly good gas mileage. Did you know…
Tomlin: [cutting James off] Focus man, focus. What did Art Shell say to you at the hearing?
Harrison: He called me a stupid SOB and didn’t really look up from his iPhone after that.
Tomlin: Dang, he’s gone rogue after my latest shipment stalled.
Tomlin: Let’s just say I grease the wheel a bit.
Tomlin: Well, he was a Raider and everyone was a little freer with certain substances, back in the day.
Harrison: LOL! Mind if I tweet that? Funny stuff…
Tomlin: Hell no you can’t tweet that. Anyways, ever since Hurd got busted, it’s been tough to keep Shell happy.
Harrison: Damn you went through him, too! Offseason is gonna suck.
Tomlin: What?!? I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that.
Harrison: Cool. I just can’t believe I’m missing Monday Night Football.
Tomlin: Yeah, the man is really holding us down. By my calculations, we deserve 27% more MNF games than we’ve received over the past 5 years. They just don’t want us to get no love. They even paid Favre to come out of retirement, just so they wouldn’t have to talk about us. Now they’re intentionally letting Tebow win games, so they still don’t have to give us any press. &@#%$##$&%^$^!!!!
Harrison: Coach, calm down. Come out of the red.
Tomlin: Then, they let the Harbaugh brothers talk about us. I tried to tap the line, but apparently Goodell’s henchmen stopped me somehow. Why isn’t it illegal for brothers to coach in the NFL? Don’t even get me started on the Ryans….
Harrison: Geez coach, not everything has to be a conspiracy.
Tomlin: Oh really? Who called you about the fatty fine?
Harrison: Merton Hanks.
Tomlin: And who did he used to play for?
Harrison: That guy played football? He’s way too skinny. One hit to the head woulda ended his sad career. LOL…
Tomlin: He’s played defense…for the 49ers…back in the day with Deion.
Harrison: Oh! That dude with the funky dance? And he was a Niner?? Oh hell, maybe you’re right. I’m using my suspension time to go over to his house and stomp that punk. The video of me chicken dancing over his mashed face is going to be on youtube shortly.
Tomlin: [Huge sigh] Seriously, James? First, you can’t do that and get away with it. Secondly, youtube?? That will really increase your chances of staying out of prison.
Harrison: Whatev, I’d get mad likes.
Tomlin: Look dummy, just try to stay out of trouble this week. Why’d you pop McCoy in the head anyways?
Harrison: I can’t help it coach. F the Longhorns, plus he’s a Brown. Burnt orange ain’t no real color.
Tomlin: Whatever, just watch your back and stop tweeting about Goodell. And wait 5 min after I leave. I don’t want to be seen together.
Disclaimer: For the 1% that didn't figure this out on their own, this article is a reply/rebuttal to our friends at the Steel Curtain.
P.S. Game day! Looking forward to tonight's action.