Alternative Jobs For 49ers Players: Takeo Spikes And The Circus

We're in a football gray area as it stands, with no real, tangible knowledge regarding football's future and a potential 2011 season. The NFL would have you believe that they've got everything under control and that football is well on its way on time and just as good as ever; maybe even better! However, this is not necessarily truth, and it's not something we can all hang our hats on. It is not a situation where the players themselves can feel comfortable, either. They could be out of a job and without a steady income.

Current San Francisco 49ers kicker Frabrizio Scaccia already betrayed the Bay Area when he joined the AFL's Arizona Rattlers, could there be more jumps? Sure, but it's not likely the whole of the NFL migrates to another football league. Not everybody is a good fit in the AFL, and it's very possible that they could make some good money elsewhere. So now, in a series of posts, I will take a look at possible alternative jobs for current 49ers players. Today we'll start with my personal favorite 49er, Takeo Spikes!

Takeo Spikes could be a circus freak. We all love Takeo, and we're all hoping that he's going to retire in a 49ers uniform. He's got a special blend of "Oh my God, is this guy going to kick my ass?" mixed with a little bit of "what a softie. He likes 'The Notebook'" about him that we all love. Off the field he's a soft-spoken, humble and very intelligent guy.

But have you seen his neck? Have you seen the utter girth of it, the way it dwarfs his shoulder pads and occasionally appears to be a small person wrapped around the area just below his head? How much would you pay to see it up close? How much would you pay to touch it? How much would you pay to toss ping pong balls at it and see if they orbit around his comparatively small head due to his neck's considerable gravitational pull?

These are all questions easily answered when Takeo realizes the lockout is going down and he takes his "talents" on the road with the traveling circus. "Come one, come all!" they'll say. "You've seen him crush running backs! You've seen him shatter quarterbacks and linemen alike!" they'll boast. "Now you can see him crush diamonds by rolling over them with his neck!" they'll shout. "Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing the fifty-first wonder of the world, Takeo Spikes!" And he'll come out, throwing legs and arms in that pseudo-karate style we all know and love from when he gets a sack, except now it's just an act. A sham. This man will have to use a dance empowered by raw emotion as a means for us to get our football-lacking jollies. But you'd pay to see it. Don't even lie. 

Aside from that, I could see Spikes' neck being rented for ad-space. He could get endorsements from all brands, from jewelry outlets to clothiers specializing in turtleneck sweaters. He could even sell ad-space for things not even related to necks, much like I see constantly when I watch MMA. Frequently I see fighters sponsored by weird things like a dentist, or my personal favorite "Condom Depot," splayed in large letters right on the ass of their pants.

This is, of course, all predicated on Spikes keeping his neck in check and not allowing it to secede from the rest of his body to pursue a career of its own.

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