(Note: This Fan-Post is based off a previous one by another user: "Let's Add Some Optimism Sprinkles". I strongly suggest reading that one first if you haven't already done so.)
As a long time reader of NinersNation, I've followed a lot of discussions and come to respect a lot of the regular posters, who often provide a fair criticism and incite, but I've noticed an increase in what I view as optimism on the site. Now this could just be because of past decades of success giving people a false impression that we'll be that good again soon. Call me naive, but I refuse to join this cloud of happiness. Instead, I intend to use this FanPost to highlight the true ugliness of the sprinkles on this otherwise beautiful snowy-white fro-yo.
A Gore-y Future
I know, I know, Gore has been a very good running back. He could tear things up this year and rush for 1000+ yards and 8 touchdowns. I mean, sure, you could say that this offense is engineered in a way that will make him very successful and he could be the Niners' Toby Gerhart. But it ain't going to happen! No-sirey-bob! Gore is an old, broken down running back in a horrible offensive system with a trio of young whippersnappers eager to take his place. To be precise, he's going to be a total and complete non-factor this year. In fact, true fans know that the best thing to do is to trade the bum and give the young guys a shot. As I said, OPTIMISM SPRINKLES ARE A RIP-OFF!!
If all recycling was this inefficient...
Baalke would have been fed to the machine a long time ago! This guy is slower at making up his mind than Jimmy Raye is at calling plays! I mean yeah, he got a pro-bowl center, a couple of young first-round talents and some seasoned vets. Yeah, he replaced all of our weak spots with upgrades, but who cares? We all know those moves were stupid and they won't work out and we should've just gotten Asomugha instead! What are you saying? Patience? Optimism? LA-LA-LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
We've got crabs
Oooh yes, the mighty "Crabs"! This guy was supposed to be this colossus, he was this great legendary thing, and yet where are the gains?!!?! He never gets better!! He misses every pre-season, he's a total jerk in terms of personality, in fact he makes Batman look like the life of the party in comparison! He treats balls like they're cryptonite as they bounce off every imaginable part of his body while his legendary strong hands turn to putty! Oh sure, yeah, this is the PERFECT offense for him! Yeah, he's never been in a professional offense so well suited for his skills and he's never had a guy as talented as Braylon Edwards is for occupying the attention of the number one TSA agent on the opposing team. BIG DEAL!! OPTIMISM SPRINKLES ARE A RIP-OFF!!
Put on your hard hats!!
The sky is falling, the sky is falling! oh, wait, it's just preseason...Sure, we're all sports geniuses and KNOW the regular season is going to be different. But really, you think Harbaugh will actually scheme for opposing teams and game-plan to cover up the weaknesses of his team and silly stuff like that? Heck no! Harbaugh is a flash-in-the-pan college coach who is arrogant, delusional, thinks he's Bill Walsh reincarnated, makes friends with spiders, and refuses to bow down to the immortal Roger Goodell or venerable coaches like Sean Payton. This young pup will get his come-uppance, you mark my words! Like I was saying, OPTIMIST SPRINKLES ARE A RIP-OFF!!
[insert creative title about the 49er's schedule]
Now I'm sure some clever fans looked at the 49ers regular season schedule and thought to themselves, man we could actually win some games! DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! The Seahawks brought in some serious talent with the likes of Tavaris Jackson, Josh Portis, Jeff Reed, Kentwan Balmer, and even Thomas Clayton! Heck, they're so good Kentwan Balmer couldn't even secure a roster spot! We can already chalk these games down for a loss. As for the Cowboys and the Bengals, everybody knows that those are two of the top teams in the entire NFL. The Buccaneers are an obvious loss, as are the Lions with the mighty Matt Stafford (one of the most durable QBs in recent history). The Browns and the Redskins are also top-teams and annual Super-Bowl contenders. Might as well mark down two more losses there. The Giants, the Ravens, and the Rams are also losses of course. The Cardinals might seem to have some weakness with one of their starting corners gone and another injured, a raw and unproven receiving corps, and Kevin Kolb as their starting QB. But we all know how badly we're going to suck, so we might as well chalk down another couple of losses there. Oh yeah, and the Steelers are an obvious loss too. They're going to beat us as easily as Ben Roethlisberger intoxicates under-age girls, and they're going to come out of it just as clean. On the plus side, the smart fans know that it was Harbaugh's plan all along to simply tank the season and draft Luck next year, so this doesn't seem so bad right? But I don't care, OPTIMISM SPRINKLES DON'T GET BETTER OR WORSE, THEY'RE LIKE OUR TEAM, THEY SIMPLY SUCK!
Worst comes to Worst
When it all comes down to it, we can at least be grateful that we've got a stadium that's perfect for the ancient arts of fisticuffs and, as LondonNiner would put it, getting sloshed, plastered, badgered, cabbaged, fecked, steampigged, trollied, hammer-blowed, or just jolly well smashed! But really, why would anything like that ever happen at a lousy Niners game? Get real people!
Defensive Peanut-Butter-and-Jelly Sandwiches
Now there's one other point that some of you young smart aleck fans might throw at me. In fact, I can see it now: "But, but, what about our defense?? We've got better safeties and better corners and better pass-rushers, and a better scheme, and a better pass-rushing Patrick-freakin-Willis!" Let me answer this very quietly and politely...FORGET IT! Vic Fangio hasn't done squat in the NFL! He's never proven anything ANYWHERE, and Ed Donatell hasn't, and neither has Jim Leavitt! These coaches are a bunch of scrubs and so are most of the players. Carlos Rogers couldn't catch a hot girl if she was covered in pine tar and wearing cement shoes! Donte Whitner? He's a loud mouth with absolutely zero football instincts and there's a reason he wasn't taken higher than 8th overall! Aldon Smith? Yeah, his arms are long but they're weaker than Shaun-noodle-arm-Hill's! Right? Haha, and Patrick Willis? What an overrated BUM! He couldn't tackle Anthony Dixon in a phone booth! In fact, the only reason he got a chance to try to tackle anybody is thanks to guys like Kentwan Balmer funneling ball-carriers straight to him! Now he's got Walmart employees working the line in front of him and DMV employees buttoning down the back side! Why, oh why, can't Baalke get some REAL football players instead of guys no other team would sign?!? If we had a real GM, we'd never have traded Forrest Gump, I mean, Taylor Mays. FORGET OPTIMISM SPRINKLES, FORRESTGUMPMAYSWASOURFUTURE!!!
Waiting till next year
I'm going to go find that bridge that Fearless Frog and KORYSHEETSWASOURFUTURE hang out under. Peace!