In Theaters: The Love Story of a Team and its QB

The team.

An airplane comes into view. The sky is clear and the camera pans down so that it is clear that the plane is landing soon in Miami. Cut inside the plane. Alex Smith is resting in a chair. His cell phone goes off.

Smith: Hello?

The disembodied voice of Jim Harbaugh flitters out of the phone. There is a certain proud tenor in his voice, but it's clear that he is distraught.

Harbaugh: Alex. I don't want another man to come between us.

Smith: It's too late, coach. I may not be a first round Hall of Famer, but since when did you love winning? This is totally unfair. You're letting that mean Baalke with his scary eyes and gravelly voice sway you. I thought we would win together!

Harbaugh: But, the team, the team, the team. And also, the team. This is good for the team, so I need to think about the team.

Harbaugh coughs. It almost sounds as if his cough resembles the phonemes which construct the words "the team." This is supposed to suggest that his psyche is cleverly constructed to better promote the winning ways of his team, rather than individual success. It should be subtle, though, and the audience should never guess that he means well only for the team.

Smith: I know you love the team -

Harbaugh interrupts. He can't help it. Whenever he hears the words "the team" he has to react.

Harbaugh: Team, team, the team, team.

A flight attendant walks over.

Flight Attendant: Sir? How are you even getting reception up here? You really need to get off the phone.

Smith: Lady, I will throw this football out of bounds.

Smith pulls a football out of his back pocket. It will be amazing to behold.

Attendant: We are in a pressurized, self-contained vessel. There is no way you could throw that football out of anywhere.

Smith: Trust me. I get paid millions of dollars to throw it out of bounds. I do it all the time. I'm going to be paid, like, another $8 million a year to keep doing it. I'm turning down contacts left and right like some sort of baller. I just aim for my receiver, and BAM! It's either at his feet, over his head, or twenty yards out of bounds.

Smith throws the football. It heads toward a window, and ... SOPRANOS CUT TO BLACK!

The QB saga continues...

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