I can show you how to get guns like this in only 20 days. (Photo by Leon Halip/Getty Images)
Thanks to my new wormhole app for my IPhone, I was able to download stories from the future. I won't reveal who wins the Super Bowl this year (here's a hint, it's not the Raiders) but I did find some stories that might be of interest.
Sep 8, 2013
In a Sunday night rematch of last year's NFC Championship game the 49ers beat the Falcons (oops) and became the first team to use the new Victory Formation Rule. The rule states in part, "If the defending team doesn't have enough time on the clock or timeouts to get the ball back they can only gently tap the shoulder pads of the offensive player lined up across from them. If they dive at the legs or play at full speed there will be a 15-yard penalty and a one minute run off from the clock." After one kneel down Atlanta head coach Mike Smith decided not to go through the charade of another play and simply decided to throw the newly issued white surrender flag all head coaches now carry (that last part I stole from a radio show).
Oct 5, 2013
Division III football's most popular referee, Ed Hochuli, began airing his first infomercial "Ripped biceps in only 20 days". The infomercial, starring Tony Little, told people how for only $19.95 they too could have guns like Ed. The commercial proved so successful it spawned a new dance craze called "The Hoch" where the person would put their hands behind their head and thrust their pelvis back and forth, usually to a remake of the Right Said Fred song "I'm Too Sexy".
More from the future and a recap of week 2 after the jump...
Nov 2, 2013
News breaks that the $10,000 Jonathan Vilma offered to anyone who knocked Brett Favre out of the NFC Championship game didn't actually come from Vilma. The money came from a PACT called "People for the betterment of the NFL" which had getting Brett Favre out of the game as one of their main goals. However Vilma misunderstood their goal as the money was simply for anyone who could convince Farve to remain retired not hurt. Meanwhile citizens of New Orleans begin calling ex-defensive coordinator Greg Williams "Katrina II" for destroying their football team.
Jan 26, 2014
The usual defense free Pro Bowl game is plagued by injuries thanks to the NFC's defensive coordinator Greg Schiano who didn't realize there was a gentleman's agreement not to go all out. Not long after the game Vince McMahon calls Schiano to see if he'd like to be the commissioner of his new football league called the XXXFL.
April 1, 2014
Plagued by two years of increased injuries and concussions, Roger Goodell has a press conference reiterating player safety is his number one concern. He acknowledges the now permanent refs need to do a better job calling personal fouls on hits against defenseless players but assures everyone the refs are getting better every day, how it's only been two years, and that in time they'll be just as good as the old refs. He then says under his breath, "April fools."
With the Bears crushing the Colts and the Packers gutting punched in the face by the 49ers, the Bears were ready to show they were the new kings of the NFC North but order was restored on Thursday thanks to Jay Cutler playing like, well Jay Cutler. Cutler was sacked 7 times, threw 4 interceptions, and looked like a kid who was told they couldn't get the toy they wanted as he yelled at everyone around him. Overshadowed in all this was the fact the Bears defense played great and the Packers looked boring and predictable on offense. If I didn't know better I'd say Jimmy Raye's pass first doppelganger had taken over as offensive coordinator in Green Bay.
This game ended two days ago but C.J. Spiller has still managed to get 50 more rushing yards and a TD since then. Spiller has been so effective in his first two games rushing for 292 yards and 3 touchdowns that the Bills have figured out letting Ryan Fitzpatrick throw 35 times a game might not be the best strategy if they actually, you know, want to win. Meanwhile the Chiefs found themselves down 21-0 at the half and 35-3 going into the 4th so they figured they had no choice but to let their QB, Matt Cassel, air it out. In other news prayer candle sales have increased dramatically since Sunday in Kansas City.
Last week Browns rookie Brandon Weeden completed 12 of 35 passes for only 118 yards, 4 interceptions, and a -4.3 passer rating (I know you're thinking it's impossible to get a negative passer rating but it turns out getting caught under the American flag before the start of the game counts as a 10 point deduction). This week he completed 26 of 37 passes for 322 yards, 2 touchdowns, and 0 interceptions. Last week rookie running back Trent Richardson ran for only 39 yards on 19 carries. This week he ran for 109 yards and a TD on 19 carries. The Bengals still won but considering the 44-13 pounding they took last week from the Ravens and what they let the Browns offense do, either this Bengals defense isn't that good or this Bengals defense isn't that good. Honestly, I can't think of what else it might be.
Vikings 20, Colts 23
Andrew Luck got his first victory with the Colts and unlike Manning it only took him 2 games instead of 5. He also didn't have Ryan Leaf on the other side of the ball messing up the offense for the opposing team. For the second straight game Christian Ponder looked like an actual NFL QB but after a game tying TD with 31 seconds remaining Luck, who threw for 224 yards and 2 touchdowns, led the Colts down the field, spiked the ball to stop the clock even though he didn't have to, and watch as Adam Vinattieri's 53-yard FG sailed through the uprights for the win. "I guess some people were under the impression that the clock was going to run, so I guess we looked a little foolish killing the clock when it was already stopped," Luck said. By "some people" he means one of the replacement refs who told him accepting the offside penalty would start the clock. Seriously, these refs are like trying to play poker with a Joker in the deck. You never know when one will pop up to make things interesting.
Raiders 13, Dolphins 35
Reggie Bush ran for 172 yards and 2 touchdowns as the Dolphins outgained the Raiders on the ground 259-23, and no that's not a typo. So did Carson Palmer outplay rookie Ryan Tannehill? Well he did if you're idea of good QB play is someone who can lead lots of 30-yard drives that end with no points. Palmer threw for more yards than Tannehill, 373-200, but he also completed only half of his throws, converted on only one of twelve 3rd downs, and had an interception. "It's my job to find ways to get us into the end zone," Palmer said. "I didn't do a good enough job today." Would it be lazy if I just copied and pasted that Palmer quote for every Raiders game the rest of the season?
Kevin Kolb looked only mediocre passing the ball and the Cardinals never got much of a run game going, but their defense allowed them to stay in this game and eventually hold on for the win. The Cardinals haven't secretly made Jimmy Raye their offensive coordinator have they? The Patriots managed only 1 TD but still had a chance to win late thanks to a Ryan Williams fumble that caused 10,000 holes to be punched in 10,000 walls in Arizona. Patriots fans who had been rushing out to beat the traffic rushed back in just in time to watch Stephen Gostkowski miss his first 4th quarter FG since Bush was the president.
The Giants overcame a 27-13 3rd quarter deficit and put up 24 points in the 4th quarter alone as Eli Manning threw for 510 yards and 3 touchdowns as well as 3 interceptions. Of course all anyone wanted to talk about after the game was the Buccaneers firing off the ball when the Giants were simply trying to run the clock out in their victory formation. "It was a little bit of a cheap shot," Manning said. "We're taking a knee in a friendly way and they're firing off." What does that even mean, "taking a knee in a friendly way"? Maybe they wanted to give you a knee in an unfriendly way, which is why I hope you wore your cup. I can just hear Tom Hanks now, "There's no ‘friendly' in football!"
Ravens 23, Eagles 24
Maybe the Eagles decided those cheese steaks weren't going to give their fans heart attacks soon enough so they decided to turn the ball over 9 times in 2 games while scoring a last minute TD for the 1 point win. Michael Vick, who threw for 371 yards, was only responsible for 3 turnovers this time and ran in the game winning TD. "You can't always hit a home run," Vick said. "Sometimes you have to settle for singles and doubles. That's what I have to learn." I hear you. I think I got maced 5 times before I learned that lesson myself.
After managing only 10 rushing yards in their first game the Panthers took advantage of the Saints nonexistent defense by running for 219 yards and 3 touchdowns while Cam Newton completed 14 of 20 passes for 253 yards and a TD. It was the Panthers first win against the Saints in almost 3 years. "Times change," Panthers WR Steve Smith said who had 3 receptions for 104 yards. Considering the Saints are in last place in the NFC South I would say they most definitely do.
There is so little interest in Jacksonville for the Jaguars that even the security guards aren't watching the game. In the middle of the game a fan came onto the field and ran back and forth for 55 seconds taunting the security guards who seemed totally uninterested in doing anything to stop him. Eventually Jaguars safety Dwight Lowery ran over to the fan and hauled him over to the security guards who then took him away. Overall the Jaguars were outgained by the Texans 411-117. Blaine Gabbert looked more like he did last year than he did last week, throwing for only 13 yards in the first half and 53 for the game before leaving in the 4th quarter with a hamstring injury. The injury doesn't appear to be serious and Gabbert is expected back next week much to the delight of Colts fans everywhere.
There is very much a mob mentality when it comes to fans in the NFL. Everyone loves the flavor of the month and few seem to take a long term or objective approach to anything. Three years ago everyone loved Mike Singletary and hated Alex Smith. Steve Smith was right, "Times change". That was the case in St Louis. Everyone was bemoaning the fact the Rams traded down 4 spots for 3 first round picks and a 2nd round pick and didn't take RG3, all based on one game against a crappy defense. Sam Bradford needed to remind people he was offensive rookie of the year just 2 years ago as he threw for 310 yards and 3 touchdowns while outplaying the player everyone in St Louis wish they'd gone with instead. Not that Griffin was bad throwing for 206 yards with 1 TD and 1 interception. It's just that for one game at least Bradford was better. Of course, the Redskins had a chance to tie it late but Josh Morgan (yes, that Josh Morgan) threw the football at Cortland Finnegan turning a 47-yard FG attempt into a 62-yard FG attempt. Interesting since a few days before the game Morgan said when getting provoked by Finnegan, "You don't want to be the second guy because he always gets caught." That's like ironic or something.
Speaking of flavors of the month, how about those unbeatable Cowboys? The Seahawks forced turnovers, blocked punts, ran the ball down their throat, and basically knocked the Cowboys around silly. "We stuck with our game plan: Run the ball, run the ball, run the ball, and eventually they're going to get tired," Golden Tate said who had a vicious and illegal crack back block on one of those runs. "Our motto is play longer and harder than they can and then it started opening up in the pass game." Interesting, my motto is, "Play longer and harder than they can and don't carry more on you than you're willing to flush down the toilet or swallow on a moment's notice."
Speaking of flavors of the month, I'm starting to notice a trend. Will the real Jets please stand up. Are they the ones that scored only 1 TD in the preseason or the ones that ran up 48 on the Bills in week 1? Are the Steelers too old to get it done on defense as they were against the Broncos or are they the ones that completely stifled Mark Sanchez and co. Sanchez put up very Tebowesque numbers completing only 10 of 27 throws for 138 yards and a TD, while Roethlisberger picked apart the Jets secondary for 275 yards and 2 touchdowns. "Ben is one of the top in the game," WR Mike Wallace said. "I'll ride with him against anybody." Hold on, it sounded like he stole that from Top Gun.
Well the Titans haven't beaten the Chargers since they were the Houston Oilers and that didn't change on Sunday. Dante Rosario filled in for an injured Antonio Gates and caught 4 passes for 48 yards including 3 for touchdowns. Phillip Rivers looked sharp throwing for 284 yards and 3 touchdowns while their defense stifled the Titans holding them to only 212 total yards. As for the Titans, Chris Johnson managed 17 yards on 8 carries which is an improvement on his 4 yards on 11 carries last week. Hey, baby steps Chris, baby steps. At this rate you might be up to 50 yards on 20 carries by the end of the year.
Broncos 21, Falcons 27
The Broncos turned the ball over 4 times in the 1st quarter, although I'm still trying to figure out that fumble, and the Falcons were able to hold on against a late Peyton Manning charge for the win. Of course what everyone wants to know is what's up with these god awful officials. Giving the Falcons the ball even though a Bronco player left the pile with it, putting the ball at the wrong spot which gave the Broncos 6 extra yards on a key drive right before the half, and being so generally confused the 1st quarter didn't end until midnight, or maybe it just felt like midnight. It took a really long time at any rate. At least we have the "Ripped biceps in only 20 days" to look forward to.
Packers Lions 19, 49ers 28 27
This game looked so similar to the Packers game that afterwards I really had only 2 questions:
- Did Shaun Hill put on weight?
- Who the hell is that guy in the hoodie lurking over Smith's and Crabtree's shoulder?