There's probably not a happier father in the world right now than Jack Harbaugh. There's also probably not a father dreading the next two weeks more than Jack Harbaugh. The Super Harbaughcalypse Baugh played in New Harbaughleans that should have happened last year is finally going to happen this year and every newspaper reporter from the NY Times to the Mifflinburg Telegraph (yes it's a real paper) will be calling for an interview, or perhaps just a statement, or at the very least a friend request on Facebook.
At this point I would just like to point out the Mayans actually did know what they were talking about, but we just misinterpreted what they were predicting. It wasn't through a sun flair or anything/ crazy like that but rather through two brothers meeting up on opposite sidelines of the Super Bowl that the world would end. Now you may be asking how could the Mayans, who knew nothing about football or the Super Bowl, predict something like this. It's because they were an ancient civilization and everyone knows ancient civilizations knew all sorts of crazy things that have been lost to us today. Come on, that's voodoo hack science 101.
Besides, this is all part of a larger conspiracy where the Harbaugh football family uses the Super Bowl as a springboard for the complete takeover of the NFL and eventually world domination. Armageddon actually comes from the Hebrew for Mount Magiddo or Har Magiddo which also happens to be the first three letters in the name Harbaugh. So the Mayans predict the end of the world, the Bible says the end of the world will happen at Har Magiddo, the Harbaughs are coaching both teams in the Super Bowl and Bowl sounds like Baugh. Honestly, the evidence is all right there in front of you if you'd just look at it.
When Joe Flacco sported his Fu Manchu beard in the playoffs last year everybody laughed. When he said he was an elite QB before the start of the season everybody laughed. And when he beat Tom Brady and the Patriots on Sunday everybody laughed, although this time they were laughing at the Patriots, not at Flacco.
The way this game started it looked like it was going to be a long day for Flacco and the Ravens. In their first three drives the Ravens couldn't get past their own 30-yard line. Meanwhile the Patriots were moving the ball well even if they weren't putting up a lot of points. Then CB Aqib Talib was injured and had to leave the game. Suddenly the Patriots much improved secondary seemed mediocre again and Flacco, who finished with 240 yards and 3 TDs, was finally able to get the Ravens offense going.
But maybe the biggest swing in momentum came near the start of the 4th quarter. Trailing 21-13 the Patriots had the ball but a viscous hit by Bernard Pollard to the helmet of Steven Ridley caused a fumble and knocked Ridley out of the game. The Ravens scored to make it 28-13 and the Patriots final three drives would end on downs and two interceptions.
"We missed a few plays in the first half," Vonte Leach said. "But we came out in the second half and we said, 'Playmakers make plays.' And that's what our playmakers did." So playmakers make plays. I guess that's why they call them playmakers. That must mean roofers work on roofs and cheese makers make cheese. Blessed are the cheese makers for without them we wouldn't have fondue.
After the game Terrell Suggs called the Patriots a bunch of arrogant (naughty word), that deserve to be (naughty word), because they're (naughty word) (naughty word), and (naughty word) them and their (naughty word) (naughty word) (naughty word) relatives.
After hearing what Suggs said Bill Belichick googled "How to become a unabomber in 3 easy steps" and sent Suggs a fruit basket with a suspicious looking letter attached.
The way this game started I had my bottle of Scotch and "The Old Purple Tin (9% pure heaven) " set to play on repeat, but somehow the 49ers were able to pull off the biggest comeback in NFC Championship history. By "somehow" I really mean "I forgot they were playing the Falcons who choke more in the playoffs than someone trying to eat a spoonful of cinnamon".
After two 3-and-outs to start the game the 49ers offense looked almost unstoppable, while their defense clamped down in the second half and didn't allow a single point after halftime. If not for a missed FG by David "Please God, don't let the Super Bowl come down to a kick by him" Akers and a fumble by Crabtree on the 1 foot line, the 49ers would have won this thing going away. Then again, if not for another meltdown by Matty "except in the playoffs" Ice the Falcons probably would have been able to hold on. It was so bad they're now calling him Matty Puddle of Water. You know, because the ice melted to water. Yes? No?
Now we have two weeks of Harbaugh references to look forward to as well as the Ray Lewis retirement storyline and how the Ravens are a team of destiny. I'm sure we'll all hear how hot the Ravens are right now but it's always easy to look back after the fact and say the team that won it all got hot at the right time, but did they get hot at the right time or is it simply that it's impossible to have a winner who didn't win their last 3 or even 4 games? The Ravens looked horrible down the stretch and would have lost last week if the Broncos defense hadn't decided to take a smoke break on the Ravens 70-yard TD to tie it, and we all know about the 49ers W-W-L pattern that just got broken.
I think we just like to feel we have some control over our lives. It's scary to think we're on a tiny rock out in the corner of some immensely vast universe hurtling through space at 67,000 mph, so we put on rally caps, rub our rabbits foot, wear our lucky game jersey, look at the placement of the stars, and even look to the Mayans to give us some idea what's coming next or to give us some allusion of control. Then again, the Mayans couldn't even invent the wheel so what the hell did they know.
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