Why I dislike the Seahawks

The State
Washington has only produced two things of note.
1) Micro$oft. A company so corrupt that it inspired competitors to have slogans like "do no evil". A company that has been sued in multiple countries for it's inability to to follow the rules. You'll notice this is a reoccurring theme.
2) $tarbucks. The ultimate corporate whore that likes to parade around as a "hip" outfit. The Walmart of coffee shops that thrives by burying mom and pop stores while catering to spoiled white girls.
3) Whoops, forgot one. Stephanie Myers needed the darkest, gloomiest, most depressing place on earth as a home for her stories of adolescent angst and sparkly vampires. Naturally she chose Washington.

The City
Much like it's home state Seattle has accomplished little. They have the space needle, a giant phallic symbol from a century ago. Aside from looking nice the needle doesn't seem to have a useful function. Seattle also has the dudes who throw fish. I have to watch this crap annually at management seminars. I have no idea how throwing a halibut across the room helps a company function better but apparently in Seattle it's big business. Maybe Starbucks started off by throwing Uggs across the shop.

Finally, one of my company's larger customers is based in Seattle. They're fantastic - they demand ridiculously intricate bar codes on every package and toss a hissy fit if one is missing. This despite the fact that there isn't a bar code scanner anywhere in their facility. As far as I can tell they want to appear modern without actually learning anything new (seriously, their TMS is an Excel 2000 spreadsheet). Little men, little men.

Seattle's most successful sports team was taken by Oklahoma City because no one cared about Seattle. How much do you have to suck to be second choice to Oklahoma City?

The Coach
This is really the kicker. The Seahawks have been mostly irrelevant in their history with their brief moments of success coming while coached by ex-49ers. Former 49er OC Holmgen had a brief stint in the spotlight before allowing his team to grow old overnight. Before that they had some notoriety when Chuck Noll had his players fake injuries to stymie the Bengals' no huddle attack. That was back before the AFC dumped the Seahawks into the NFC. You can't blame the AFC really. I do wonder what the NFC was thinking.

In the present we have former 49ers DC Pete Carroll stalking the sidelines like a deranged lesbian grandmother. Pete's craptacular defenses cost the 49ers two playoff games before he headed east. His failures in New Jersey and New England were numerous and he may have been the only coach in NFL history fired for being a "surfer dude". Thanks for embarrassing California Pete. After his flame out on the East Coast he went back to college and coached the hated Trojans at USC. While there he had many successes, all of them vacated for - you guessed it - cheating. Pete's cheating and success were put to a stop by Stanford under Coach Harbaugh. What's your deal man?

Pete fled NCAA sanctions and went to the Seahawks. During his time in Seattle the team has had more players suspended than any other NFL team. Hey Pete, is the phrase "lack of institutional control" familiar? He "won" the division with a 7-9 record in 2010 and cemented the phrase "NFC Worst" in sportscasters minds. Thanks again Pete.

The Fans
The vaunted 12th man, on lease from Texas A&M. Did you know that before Qwest field and it's noise focusing architecture came along the Seahawks actually had a worse record at home than on the road? Much like the Seahawks' defensive backs the 12th man isn't squat without artificial enhancement. Look it up - before Qwest the Jaguars had a better home field advantage than the Seahawks. 12th man my ass. Add all of this to a textbook case of little man syndrome and you have the worst fan base in all of sports. These same drunken louts have been celebrating two regular season wins while conveniently ignoring the fact that Pete the Cheat is 0-5 in San Francisco. Tough to win without some home cooking, eh Pete?

The Team
The team itself is mostly innocuous. They've hung around the bottom of the NFL while being consistently surpassed by other expansion teams. I believe this year they finally matched the Jaguars with a 4-0 start. Mostly the Seahawks have just been there, not grabbing much attention.

The Seahawks will likely have HFA in the playoffs so they actually have a chance to finally accomplish something. It could be the 3rd accomplishment in Seattle's dark, gloomy history (space phallus, Sonics, this). If the Seahawks don't choke it away and finally do something will Seattle lose it's little man syndrome? Will the Seahawks move to Oklahoma? We may find out in a few months.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors.

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