What's goin on everybody, San Francisco native and first time poster here. Little fun fact about myself, I'm a product of Lincoln High, alma mater to Mike Holmgren and more importantly the little asian guy from Law and Order SVU. Anyway, enough with the small talk, time to get down with the get down. Jed York has made a lot of terrible decisions in life and looking like the love child between Peter Brady and Pee-Wee Herman is one of them. However, one decision he's made that’s turned out great for us so far was hiring the Harbaalke Boys. I like to imagine that on draft day these evil geniuses face each other over a giant draft big board and have a straight faced slap contest, which ever name their spit lands on is the guy they pick. These mocks are a little easier now that the dust has pretty much settled on free agency, which is unfortunate because there are certain players (not gonna name any names but it starts with a C and ends in raig Dahl) that I hope never see any snaps outside of special teams. Alright here we go:
Rd.1 - I like Jesse Williams a lot but I'm passing on the run stuffer of today for the QB killer of tomorrow with DE DATONE JONES. Denver goes to pick him but their fax machine gets jammed, they forfeit the pick, and we swoop in.
Rd.2 - Matt Elam can lay the lumber but with the league being so pass happy I go with a more well rounded prospect in SS JONATHAN CYPRIEN. *Safety side note- surprisingly a lot of people are confused about the differences between safeties. The strong generally plays up in the box more to help with the run but also drops into coverage (Whitner), while the free is like the center fielder mainly helping over the top (Goldson, even though he had the skill set of a SS).
Rd.2 - I go tight end here, Eifert and Ertz are gone, and you could go with a guy like Escobar but I go with the athletic and versatile TE JORDAN REED. Think Delanie but a little bigger with better hands. I thought about goin corner here with Slay or Ryan and then TE later with Chris Gragg, I'll probably change my mind again in an hour or two
Rd.3 - I complete our safety duo for the next few years with FS BACARRI RAMBO. He'd go higher if it weren't for some off the field issues but not to worry cuz Jimmy don’t play that! Harbaugh and the coaching staff don’t put up with shenanigans.
Rd.3 - Again character concerns allow a possible 1st round talent to fall to us here with WR DA'RICK ROGERS. He's tall and fast so this pick should make that one guy on here happy, you know that jergoff that goes caps lock crazy, uses random question marks, and only talks about height and 40 times, yea THAT guy.
Rd.4 - I feel like a more desperate team picks fan favorite Lattimore before we can so it’s time for back-up QB MATT SCOTT. He's not a burner like Kaep but he's athletic enough to run our offense.
Rd.4 - Now we go with everybody's favorite CB outta LSU... THAROLD SIMON? Fakeout. Another team gambles on the little blonde midget way earlier so we grab his former teammate and add some size to the secondary.
Rd.5 - Our O-line needs some depth on the outside but to be honest I don’t know much about the big boys this far down the line so insert OT here. Jordan Mills? Quessenberry? I dunno.
Rd.5 - I imagine that Dorsey will play a little more nose than DE/DT but it can't hurt to bring in some competition for him and Ian Williams, NT KWAME GEATHERS goes here.
5 rounds are enough for me because I'm tired of writing and you're tired of reading. The great thing about all of this is that more than likely none of my picks will match up with what really happens. With 14 picks they'll be moving up, down, left, right, or front, back, side to side for all you RBL fans out there. We can watch these youtube clips and read "expert" analysis all we want but we're not on the field or in the locker room with these guys so who really knows anything. Basically what I'm saying is if you're mad that I didn’t pick the right guy in the right spot, you can kiss my left nut. On that note I'll leave you with the wise words of great philosopher Adam The Top Gun Demamp, "Take it sleazy, and I'm out."