ESPN, give me a job! v1.0

Greetings fellow football fans. In my quest to be the first fat boy from Alaska with no football playing experience to get a job at ESPN, I am starting year 2 of predictions. This year, a twist.

It’s me vs the monkeys.

For the three of you who have read my posts before, you will already know about the monkeys. Just a heads up on why the predictions stopped: the blasted monkeys got a temporary gig with the Indianapolis Colts.

MVI 4330 (via Tim Nush)

However, they are back and are going to try to prove that simians are smarter than humans.

I am asking the Niner Nation community for help. I need your superior insight and knowledge to help me refine this further. That way, I can achieve my dream of being the fat-boy from Alaska who can out-predict the staff at ESPN. (Also, it may force the monkeys to go back to Indy.)

So, onto my predictions.

AFC West

Denver Broncos 11-5

Kansas City Chiefs 9-7

San Diego Chargers 7-9

Oakland Raiders 3-13

AFC South

Houston Texans 12-4

Indianapolis Colts 11-5

Tennessee Titans 4-12

Jacksonville Jaguars 3-13

AFC North

Cincinnati Bengals 13-3

Baltimore Ravens 10-6

Cleveland Browns 5-11

Pittsburgh Steelers 4-12

AFC East

New England Patriots 12-4

Miami Dolphins 10-6

Buffalo Bills 5-11

New York Jets 3-13

NFC West

San Francisco 49ers 13-3

Seattle Seahawks 11-5

St. Louis Rams 10-6

Arizona Cardinals 4-12

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons 11-5

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 9-7

New Orleans Saints 7-9

Carolina Panthers 6-10

NFC North

Green Bay Packers 10-6

Minnesota Vikings 9-7

Chicago Bears 6-10

Detroit Lions 6-10

NFC East

Washington Redskins 10-6

New York Giants 9-7

Philadelphia Eagles 7-9

Dallas Cowboys 6-10

Playoff seeds:


#1 Cincinnati Bengals

#2 New England Patriots (off Tiebreaker)

#3 Houston Texans

#4 Denver Broncos

#5 Indianapolis Colts

#6 Miami Dolphins (off Tiebreaker)


#1 San Francisco 49ers

#2 Atlanta Falcons

#3 Green Bay Packers (off Tiebreaker)

#4 Washington Redskins

#5 Seattle Seahawks

#6 St. Louis Rams

The Monkeys chose not to give out a win/loss record of all the teams yet. They just gave seedings.


#1 Denver Broncos

#2 Baltimore Ravens

#3 Miami Dolphins

#4 Indianapolis Colts

#5 Cincinnati Bengals

#6 Houston Texans


#1 Seattle Seahawks

#2 New Orleans Saints

#3 Green Bay Packers

#4 Dallas Cowboys

#5 Atlanta Falcons

#6 San Francisco 49ers

Some of my major off-the wall thinking reasons:

Pittsburgh: I think the age and cap issues finally hit them hard. Though they fight hard, they get forced into rebuilding mode.

Miami: They do well off the talent they bring in. Not enough to beat the Pats, but enough to squeak into the playoffs.

Baltimore: Great team, but loses one too many games. The loss to Miami keeps them out.

49ers/Seahawks: Tough call. I actually have them splitting games. Seattle gets better on the road, but won’t be there quite yet. SF has the away game issue figured out. Just don’t play Seattle at home.

Falcons: This may change in my version 2.0 of the rankings. They are a tough regular-season team, and will have a chip on their shoulder. I actually consider them one of the top 3 teams in the NFC, and a top 5 NFL team. I just think they lose a couple of close games.

Dallas: The new Oakland. While Oakland has a crummy record, they will show flashes of greatness. Dallas will just start to fall apart as Jerry Jones continues to monkey (I just smacked by a banana for that word) with the team.

Now, in the spirit of applying for the ESPN job, I will follow the example of their best people and will put out a version 2.0 in the near future. Also, the monkeys are using their dartboard-of-decision to work out the win/loss records, so that will be in 2.0.

Please roast me and let me know what I am missing. I want this job application to be as great as possible.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors.

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