A long, long time ago there was this thing called the Superbowl. It was a time of wailing and gnashing of teeth, where reality warped itself into a diabolical monstrosity. The skies darkened, the moon looked as if it was made of blood, and lightning bolts shot across the skies.
Yes, I'm still bitter about our Superbowl loss. But enough about that.
Finally the dawn is beginning. The light of the regular season is beginning to creep over the horizon. We finally have some FOOTBALL! And with football comes...monkeys?
I allowed them out of the basement to give me their predictions for week one. I will also give my predictions to prove that we are superior to the simians.
Baltimore Ravens at Denver Broncos - This is a tough one. Broncos are without Von Miller. Ravens are quite a different team. I am choosing the home-field guy for this one My pick: Denver Broncos.
Monkeys pick: Denver Broncos
New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills - Um...let me think...a team who has QB injury issues who is (hopefully) starting a rookie QB who hasn't had the reps he needs vs the Hoodie with Tom Brady? My pick: New England Patriots.
Monkeys pick: New England Patriots
Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers - I really didn't want to pick the Seahawks, and even had the away game excuse. I think they do a lot just to prove the 3 naysayers in the media wrong. My pick: Seattle Seahawks
Monkeys pick: Carolina Panthers
Editor's note: When I made that last pick, the lights flickered and I almost lost power (seriously!). Maybe that was an ill omen for me to pick the Seahawks.
Cincinnati Bengals at Chicago Bears - Will Cutler be able to stay upright against the Bengals D? I think the Bengals decide to make a statement. My pick: Cincinnati Bengals.
Monkeys pick: Chicago Bears
Miami Dolphins at Cleveland Browns - I think the Browns make it a very close game, but the Dolphins hold on. My pick: Miami Dolphins.
Monkeys pick: Cleveland Browns
Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions - AP runs for a lot; Megatron receives for a lot. Ponder throws a costly interception. My pick: Detroit Lions
Monkeys pick: Minnesota Vikings
Oakland Raiders at Indianapolis Colts - What's a classy way of saying this? HAHAHAHAHA! My pick: Indianapolis Colts
Monkeys pick: Indianapolis Colts
Kansas City Chiefs at Jacksonville Jaguars - Alex Smith will pick apart the defense of the Mighty Jaguars. My pick: Kansas City Chiefs
Monkeys pick: Jacksonville Jaguars
Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints - Welcome to the shootout of the week! Final score total will be over 100. Saints will have some week 1 blahs though. My pick: Atlanta Falcons
Monkeys pick: New Orleans Saints
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at New York Jets - Picture this: the most inept QB's in the league vs Goldson and Revis. Need I say more? My pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Monkeys pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tennessee Titans at Pittsburgh Steelers - I'm picking the Titans because they have Droptimus Prime. My pick: Tennessee Titans
Monkeys pick: Tennessee Titans
Green Bay Packers at San Francisco 49ers - Game of the week. Green Bay will be ready for the read-option. It's a shame that we only run that 5% of the time... My pick: San Francisco 49ers
Monkeys pick: San Francisco 49ers
Arizona Cardinals at St. Louis Rams - Arizona will look better this year. However, the Rams will too. My pick: St. Louis Rams
Monkeys pick: Arizona Cardinals
New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys - Cowboys have the better team on paper, and they're in Jerryland. I'm going to hate myself in the morning, but my pick: Dallas Cowboys.
Monkeys pick: Dallas Cowboys
Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins - The return of RGIII! You'd better hope he is 100% Mike, otherwise you're team is in big trouble. My pick: Washington Redskins
Monkeys pick: Washington Redskins
Houston Texans at San Diego Chargers - San Diego fans better hope their first team is much better than their second team, otherwise it'll be a long night for the Chargers. My pick: Houston Texans
Monkeys pick: Houston Texans
As always, any thoughts are appreciated. Now excuse me while I go put the monkeys back in the basement, they're hollering to watch Crocodile Dundee.
This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors.