10 reasons Michael Crabtree's new Nike kicks are better than those of Earl Thomas


A light-hearted satirical piece about Michael Crabtree's new shoes.

It's no mystery to Niner fans everywhere that wide receiver Michael Crabtree loves sneakers. One look at the man's Instagram account will tell you everything you need to know about his obsession. In fact, when Crabs was drafted by the 49ers, some pundits speculated that his love of fashion classified him as a "diva," which caused him to drop in the draft (thank you pundits).

Although science later proved these self-entitled experts wrong (a case study conducted by three Harvard undergraduates showed that it was the senility of Al Davis that caused Crabtree to slip in the draft), one thing is for sure, Crabtree enjoys lacing up the cleats more than your average Joe. Which is why it's important to note that he will be donning a new pair of custom cleats against the Panthers this Sunday.


Why is this of note you ask? Because the cleats in question are custom Air Jordan VI's, which for those of you who don't know (like me, before Fooch emailed me this assignment), are the same sneakers Michael Jordan wore en route to his first championship in 1991.

An omen perhaps? Not so fast... championships are earned on the field, and not at your local DSW. Besides, Earl Thomas III is also rocking the new kicks against the Saints this weekend.


Yes, it seems like Nike is hedging their bets with this latest and greatest shoe. Can you blame them? Both the 49ers and the Seahawks have the makeup of Super Bowl contenders. The shoes however are a different story all together. Clearly, Michael Crabtree's custom cleats are far better than Earl's. To show my hypothesis is true, I've generated a list of ten reasons why you should be purchasing the gold rush edition. They'll be available for purchase later this summer.

10. What would you rather wear, the new "Crabtrees" or the new "Earls?"

9. The Seahawk "diarrhea green" color is only considered fashionable to ages 11 and under (florescent colors are all the rage in grades six and below though)

8. The Crabtrees are low cut, for you ankle models out there (Anthony Davis, I'm looking your way).

7. The sole of Crabtree's cleats are made of actual gold, much like Crabtree's hands[1].

6. Earl Thomas III sucks.

5. Michael Crabtree doesn't suck.

4. The "Earls" are only sold in size 12, since this number is the Seahawk's greatest achievement in the history of their franchise.

3. The "Crabtrees" make you run faster and jump higher, while the "Earls" just make you test positive for steroids.

2. The "Crabtrees" are designed to be worn on the road, while the "Earls" breakdown once you leave the home.

1. Ric Flair defeated Macho Man Randy Savage in WrestleMania 8 while wearing the "Crabtrees"[2]

[1] Hand in Hand... the untold story of when Michael Crabtree caught my child falling from a window. By Jim Harbaugh Publishing. © 2013.

[2] The shoes were later collected as evidence, when Ric used them to beat up a drug dealer in Birmingham, Alabama.

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