A translation for 'Black Monday'

Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

The NFL went through Black Monday earlier this week, with numerous coaches getting fired. We look at what was said after the firings, and what they actually meant.

It's just a clichéd title spawned by sports pundits over the years. But it's a two-worded label that brings even the strongest men trembling to their knees (please, no cheap Gary Kubiak jokes, the man has suffered enough).

By now, you know that I'm referring to the day known as "Black Monday," which for the unaware is the day when underachieving NFL coaches are handed their walking papers. This mile marker always comes after the last week of the regular NFL season, unless of course you are Gary Kubiak (on a side note, doesn't Gary look like that alcoholic dad in every sports movie who puts too much pressure on his kid to succeed)?

Anyway, there are a lot of justifications made by coaches, GM's, and owners on "Black Monday," but I feel that most of these statements are scripted, and are more sugar coated than a bottle of Advil. People who are afraid to say what they really want to say largely populate our society... So I took the liberty of translating these politically correct farewells, because our readers deserve to know what the true meaning of what was said on "Black Monday"...

Detroit Lions Head Coach Jim Schwartz:

What he said: "I certainly would like to be back. I think we have unfinished business this year. We've come a long way in these years, but we still have some ground that we can make. And I'm anxious to be able to have a chance to do that. We're confident in the way that we work, and with what we're doing as a team. Obviously we didn't win enough games this year. And there's no standard to judge other than that. I understand that."

Translation: Man I can't believe how grey I've gotten over the years, it's not from coaching, because I haven't been doing much of that. I look like the weird guy who shoots Bruce Willis in the movie "The Sixth Sense." Boy the fans in Detroit are really going to get on me about this touch of grey, but that's okay, because I'll just jump in the stands and kick their asses, all 70,000 of them.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Head Coach Greg Schiano:

What he said: "Look, I woke up this morning planning on being the head coach of the Bucs. So that tells you that I believe this would take some more time. But I'm a big boy, and when I got into this thing I understood what I was walking into."

Translation: Look, I woke up this morning expecting a western omelet on my plate, I'm a big boy who deserves a big omelet. But you just can't find good eggs in Tampa Bay, you really can't. You know what else stinks about this place? The heat... the heat and the bugs. I mean the bugs are just unbearable. I had a mosquito in my room the size of a water buffalo, no lie. Wait I was fired?

Minnesota Vikings Owner Zygi Wilf:

What he said: "We have tremendous respect and appreciation for Leslie and what he has done for the Minnesota Vikings. He stepped in and established a strong positive culture here and he has been the consummate professional as our head coach and in this community. Making this change is difficult, but what we determined is best for the organization."

Translation: I only hire coaches who have cool names like myself. I'll really miss Leslie, what a cool name for a guy. Not as cool as Zygi, but it's close. You hate to lose a name like that, Leslie's only come around ever so often. I think what makes it so special, is that it's a unisex name. It's what football is all about.

Washington Owner Dan Snyder:

What he said: "[Washington] fans deserve a better result. We thank Mike for his efforts on behalf of the [team]. We will focus on what it takes to build a winning team, and my pledge to this organization and to this community is to continue to commit the resources and talent necessary to put this team back in the playoffs."

Translation: Another one bites the dust.

Cleveland Browns Coach Rob Chudzinski:

What he said: "I was shocked and disappointed to hear the news that I was fired. I am a Cleveland Brown to the core, and always will be. It was an honor to lead our players and coaches, and I appreciate their dedication and sacrifice. I was more excited than ever for this team, as I know we were building a great foundation for future success. While clearly I would have liked to see the long-term vision through to the end, I am very grateful to Jimmy Haslam and the Haslam family for letting me live my dream."

Translation: I was shocked and disappointed to hear the news that I was fired. I am a Cleveland Brown to the core, and always will be. It was an honor to lead our players and coaches, and I appreciate their dedication and sacrifice. I was more excited than ever for this team, as I know we were building a great foundation for future success. While clearly I would have liked to see the long-term vision through to the end, I want to say... screw you Jimmy Haslam and the Haslam family for messing up my dream.

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