So I figured as a way to both enlighten the mood and make things generally relaxing and funny, I'd try and host this general joke thread. Anything goes, but remember: site decorum is on so tread carefully.
I'll post a couple just to get things started.
1) A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
2) A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
3) While walking down the street one day a female MP (for those of you that aren't English, this means "Members of Parliament") is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the MP.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the lift and she goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
She reflects for a minute, then the MP answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the lift and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable!"
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"