Inside the Vernon Davis War Room

Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

I respect Vernon Davis so much, but there's too much weird stuff going on not to have a little fun with it.

Scene: Vernon Davis is sitting a round table that has a whole in the middle, just like in all those war movies. It's dark, with green and red lights blinking everywhere. Numbers are changing every second on screens behind him, some going up and some going down. They represent his Fantex stock prices, the money he is losing in a holdout, and the money he could gain with a successful hold out.

Vernon: Charlene? Charlene? Can you get in here?

Enter Charlene from stage right.

Charlene: Yes sir? How may I help you?

Vernon: Can you get me Jimmy Graham?

Charlene: The actual Jimmy Graham or the real Jimmy Graham?

Vernon: The real Jimmy Graham.

Charlene leaves. Rummaging and grumbling can be heard from off stage. She returns caring in a life-size, cardboard cutout of Jimmy Graham. It's been written with sharpie to say "WR" all over with a few "TE" circled with a line through it. Vernon perks up at the sight of it.

Vernon: Thank you, Charlene.

Charlene leaves.

Vernon: Well, my friend, it looks like you and I need to stick together. The interview with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution didn't go nearly as well as we thought it would. But don't worry, I've called in my advisers, including the head-honcho. We are going to tell them what's up, won't we?

Vernon picks up a football and tries to play "catch" with Graham. The football just bounces off of the cardboard and rolls around the room awkwardly, like a Shaun Hill duck pass.

Vernon: Oh, come on! You've got to be kidding me! Here we are arguing that people should consider you a wide receiver, and you have yet to catch one pass I throw to you! Not one!

Vernon takes out his paintbrush and paints a tear falling down Graham's cheek. Inside the tear, he draws a rhinoceros.

Enter Fantex Guy.

Fantex Guy: They're here.

Vernon: Good, bring them in. I need to have a word with my advisers. A stern word.

In walks Mike Singletary and Richard Sherman. Singletary is wearing no pants, and Sherman has a sign around his neck that says "I'm the best."

Vernon: That interview went horribly wrong! Why would you ever advice me to say that?

Singletary: I want winners!

Sherman: When you try me with a sorry receiver!

Vernon responds to their statements as if they actually made sense in context, not recognizing the absurdity of their lines.

Vernon: Don't offer excuses. That's such bullcrap and you know it. We need to fix this and we need to fix it now.

Singletary: I want winners!

Sherman: When you try me with a sorry receiver!

Vernon: What are you trying to say?

Singletary: I want winners!

Sherman: When you try me with a sorry receiver!

Vernon: Hmm... Now that's a thought. I like it. Are we in agreement?

Singletary: I want winners!

Sherman: When you try me with a sorry receiver!

Vernon: Good! It's settled then. We'll just double down on our tactics. Trent Baalke will never see it coming! Okay, so, from now on, I'm in a holdout for less money. And believe me, unless they write me a new contract that pays me every less than I make now, I won't lose any sleep. This is a great plan.

Singletary: I want winners!

Sherman: When you try me with a sorry receiver!

Vernon: Good. I just want to check with my head adviser. You may leave.

Singletary and Sherman leave. After they exit, in walks Jimmy Raye, wearing a hat so ornate that Vernon thinks he may have stolen it from the Queen of England. Vernon explains the plan of attack to him. During the explanation, Raye nods in agreement.

Raye: This is a good plan. But... Yes, I think there's a better one.

Vernon: What's that?

Raye: Handoff the ball to Frank Gore. Between the Tackles.

End Scene.

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