clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

NEW Patrick Willis Facts

New, comments

The last few days have been a little down in the dumps for the 49ers and their fans, what with the loss of the draft pick and all.  Now that we've had time to blow off some steam, I thought it might be nice to get back to enjoying the greatness that is Patrick Willis.  For those that weren't around or don't remember, we ran Patrick Willis Facts back in January.  Last night I was poking around and found some more facts posted at the 49ers website message board a few days later.  A user named jrs4280 had some very interesting ones that were worth sharing:

  • Patrick Willis once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
  • Simply by pulling on both ends, Patrick Willis can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  • A high tide means Patrick Willis is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
  • Patrick Willis keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one tackle.
  • Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Patrick Willis can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
  • Patrick Willis tackles don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
  • Patrick Willis does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Patrick Willis because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Patrick Willis' autobiography.
  • Patrick Willis can slam a revolving door.
  • Patrick Willis is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Patrick Willis does not swim. This is because when Patrick Willis enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Patrick Willis simply walks across the pool floor.
  • The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Patrick Willis instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Patrick tackled Sauron's * halfway through the first chapter.
  • Hellen Keller's favorite color is Patrick Willis.
  • Patrick Willis eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
  • If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Patrick Willis would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  • Patrick Willis is currently suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
  • The crossing lights in Patrick Willis's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Patrick Willis punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  • The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Patrick Willis decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Patrick Willis, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Patrick Willis.
  • Patrick Willis proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
  • Patrick Willis does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
  • There is no such thing as global warming. Patrick Willis was cold, so he turned the sun up.
  • A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Patrick Willis, 3. Cancer
  • It's widely believed that Jesus was Patrick Willis' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Patrick Willis' skin.
  • Patrick Willis did in fact, build Rome in a day.
  • Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Patrick Willis. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Patrick Willis.
  • Patrick Willis once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
  • The last thing you hear before Patrick Willis tackles you? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
  • Patrick Willis doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
  • Patrick Willis is the only person in the world that can actually email a tackle.
  • Patrick Willis won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in *-kicking.
  • Patrick Willis can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Some kids play Kick the can. Patrick Willis played Kick the keg.
  • 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Patrick Willis. After a workout, Patrick Willis rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
  • Patrick Willis cannot love, he can only not kill.
  • When Patrick Willis was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
  • According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Patrick Willis can actually tackle you yesterday.
  • In an act of great philanthropy, Patrick made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  • When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Patrick Willis halloween costume he was wearing.
  • Patrick Willis recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.