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NFL Draft 2009: All-Name Team

49ersdraft_medium I knew right away that Alex Smith would never be a standout quarterback in the NFL. The name just didn't work. Look over the list Hall of Famers. The names just pop out. Joe Montana, Warren Moon, Johnny Unitas, Fran Tarkenton, Bart Starr--I mean, the 49ers #1 pick in 2005 wasn't even the only Alex Smith in that draft. Our Alex would have had much better chances if he'd gone by his vampire name, "Attila of Whores" (I swear that's what came up).

So, let's take a look at the top prospects in 2009. Set aside the game film and scouting reports. Who just sounds like they can play?

QB: John Parker Wilson- How do you make a boring name sound cool? Add the middle name. You know Richard Anderson couldn't have pulled off MacGyver, but Richard Dean Anderson (bet you didn't know dude can sing too)? Now we're in business. Honorable mention: Rhett Bomar.

RB: Knowshon Moreno- Moreno's name is taken from his mother's name Varashon and father's nickname Knowledge. Honorable mention: Marlon Lucky.

WR: Darius Passmore- Mike Singletary probably isn't interested.

WR: Juaquin Iglesias- Nice to see Juaquin break the mold from the Iglesias family.

WR: Ramses BardenRamses II has been described as Egypt's greatest Pharaoh. Barden has some work to do if he wants to be called Ramses "The Great".

WR: Brooks Foster- I guess I'm running the spread offense. Gotta love a guy with two last names. Honorable mention: Quan Cosby.

OT: Phil Loadholt- Sounds like the type of guy you want to run behind.

OG: Augustus Parrish- Continuing the royalty theme.

C: A.Q. Shipley- As Quoted?

OG: Kraig Urbik- The more K's the better, IMO.

OT: Fenuki Tupou- Just fun to say (fen-UU-kee TUU-puu).

After the jump I'll reveal the All-Name Defense.

DE: Stryker Sulak- Sounds like a chracter in a bad movie. Honorable mention: Peanut Whitehead.

DT: B.J. Raji- Plays like his name sounds--awesome.

DT: Peria Jerry- I swear they got his first and last name backwards in kindergarten and it just stuck.

DE: Paul Kruger- Freddy...'nuff said.

OLB: Brian Orakpo- His nickname is "O-Sack-po", which isn't bad, but I perfer "Rack 'em".

ILB: Jasper Brinkley- Almost as good as his twin brother Casper. Honorable mention: Rey Maualuga.

OLB: Ataefiok Etukeren- That name makes me cross-eyed. Just want to hear a play-by-play guy attempt this in the 4th quarter of a preseason game. 

CB: Captain Munnerlyn- Throws hand up..."Dibs on team captain."

FS: Dre'Mail Hardin- Sounds like some new form of spam that your junk filter can't detect.

SS: Al Afalava- All I can think of when seeing this name--is this guy. Honorable mention: Sha'reff Rashad.

CB: Wopamo Osaisai- Had a few too many of these at a sushi bar once. Don't remember much after that.


So, there you go. Throw out your mock drafts. These guys are can't-miss.