Last week before the 49ers played the Eagles, I had a post about things about stuff. It was mostly the incomprehensible rantings of myself with some rather lame attempts at humor, so naturally I decided to do it again. A little bit later today I'll have the World According to Madden post and things of that nature, but for now I need to fill up this time slot because our new front page writer is a total slacker.
Oh wait, did I mention that? Yeah, if you look down there on the bottom of the page, there's a new name under "Assistant Coaches," and he was told that he was free to post today if he wanted to, and he decided not to. What a jerk, right? So the fact that I'm throwing this together is totally his fault and not at all the fault of my being late on the Madden post. Not at all. Shut up.
Things to Do if the 49ers Win This Game
1. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife
Beating the Oakland Raiders is a double-edged sword at best. Whereas we go 1-5 and pick up the first win of the season, we run the risk of massive riots throughout the bay area. We can only assume that we'll be running and tellin' dat tomorrow, so we should take precautionary measures, because, as I heard on the NFL Network once, Raiders fans will stab your baby.
2. Wake Up
It was probably a dream. As nice as it sounds for this team to probably pick up a win, it was all probably just a sick, twisted dream that your brain created to protect itself. I'm sorry. Wake up, number thirty-seven.
3. Laugh at the Bills and Panthers
Neither of the other two winless teams are playing this weekend, so if the 49ers win, we should all have a hearty laugh at the expense of our winless brethren. It's only fair that we look down at them with disdain if we get a win before they do. They'd pay us the same respects. Jerks.
4. Obnoxiously Post on SB Nation Bay Area Regarding the 49ers Dominance for the Next Four Years or So
I don't know how often the two teams actually play in the regular season, but short of raiding Silver And Black Pride (and admittedly fine blog), the best thing you can do is go to SB Nation Bay Area and comment on the game stream, the blog posts, and everything else and talk about how the 49ers are the Battle of the Bay champions. The greatest ever. The best.
5. Take Moran Norris Off of Suicide Watch
This one is bitter sweet, as I noted last week, one of the drawbacks to a 49ers victory over the Eagles would be that Moran Norris can't be the first player to experience 0-16 two times in a career. He was with the Detroit Lions in 2008, and I know some of you would be tickled pink if he had to do it again.
Some Players to Watch
WR Michael Crabtree, 49ers
Crabtree is a very competitive person by nature, and the fact that he was passed up on by the Raiders has to get under his skin to this day. It's an overblown storyline at times, but I don't see that here. Crabtree should be a mad man tomorrow, looking to show the Silver and Black that they dun goofed. If he gets any less than two hundred yards on one catch tomorrow, I'll be very surprised.
WR Darrius Heyward-Bey, Raiders
The flip-side to that is the motivation of DHB, and I'm not sure what the significance to that is. Surely, he wants to show the Raiders that he is the real deal. He wants to play better than Crabtree can, and try and burn our ridiculously slow secondary as often as possible.
LB Travis LaBoy, 49ers
This guy wakes up in the morning (feeling like P. Diddy) and wants to sack Jason Campbell. It's just what he does, didn't you watch the preseason? That tells me that we'll see him in on at least five of those today. Yeah, five. Or so. At least four. Maybe three or two. I'd take one, though. Can I get a half?
What to do if the 49ers Lose/Start Losing
Call Mike Singletary "Dingleberry."
No, seriously, this wasn't old last week and it still isn't. Please do it, call him that so we can all enjoy a great laugh. It's funny. Very funny. So funny and clever that I just want to take the joke and light it on fire and inject the ashes into my eyeballs, oh my God.
Blame Fooch Again
In the last piece, I noted two inherent flaws in the way that our benevolent leader carries himself: one was that he isn't Ninjames, and the other was that he ISN'T NINJAMES! Has he corrected these things? No, no he has not. And if the 49ers lose tomorrow, it's because of that. What a jerk.
Find the Rat!
Clearly, if we've lost, the rat is also to blame. We can also assume that it's Jed York, for some reason sabotaging the team he's taken over because he doesn't like money, or something like that. Wait, isn't he a York? Don't they love money?
Hey, Alex had a great game, right? I mean, he didn't start off well, but when Heyward-Bey went for his sixth touchdown reception late in the third quarter, Smith turned it up and threw five of his own, only to fall short on a last minute interception that wasn't his fault.
You can also refer to the post before the Eagles game for more appropriate things to do in losing and winning situations. Crying, sandwiches and "Everybody Hurts," are still viable options, and just replace "Bleeding Green Nation," with "Silver and Black Pride," and you've got a whole community of people you can be insulting.