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At Least We're Not... The Houston Texans!

Ahh... the Houston Texans. Named, of course, after the city of Houston (which itself is named after Whitney Houston, as we all know), and the red-skinned breed of human who occupy the state of Texas. I've went with this post because one of such people was found posting in the article I wrote about the Arizona Cardinals. Schlauton was his name, or something to that affect. He acknowledged that the Texans beat the 49ers this past season. Does he not see that the 49ers obviously let them win? The reasons for this are many, but I think the most obvious one is that the 49ers did not want to get arrested. Sure, they could have made the Texans their lady that day. They could have spanked them.  But the Texans have only been around for what, five years? This makes them underage. And you know what that would make us? Pedophiles. And child abusers. We're classier than that, come on.

Anyway, so I heard this Schlauton guy thinks he has a pretty good team.. hah. I scoff at that. His team has never been to the playoffs. Think about that. How many times have the 49ers been to the playoffs? That is how many times more than the Texans have been there. I mean come on. I'm in my second paragraph and I've already resorted to using italics four times? (five) Just make the jump.

So I initially resorted to Wikipedia as my first source of information on the Texans, but seeing as how it started out with this:

The Houston Texans are a professional American football team...

Note the word in bold. I laughed at the obvious WIkipedia vandalism and moved on to more credible sources... My good friend Talley. Talley knows absolutely nothing about sports, including football. But he has proven to be a significantly formidable source of predictions. For instance, he is flawless in his mixed martial arts predictions, which he bases on solely how the fighters' names sound. So I turned to him and asked him what he thought about the Texans' chances this coming season. These are his words...

Texans? That's a team? Really? That would be like... a hockey team calling themselves the Canadians or something.... They do that? There's also a team called the Canucks? I hate my life. The Texans suck. Three wins at best.

So there you have his expert analysis. Can you argue with him? I seriously doubt it. I haven't met a Texans fan (ever actually) who could refute an argument of that quality. But I digress..

When I talked about the Cardinals, I talked about their uniforms. While the Cardinals' red is truly horrendous (no, seriously, it's like they took a good red and then rubbed vomit in each and every jersey), the Texans' uniforms are pretty, pretty awful. Definitely on par in badness.  The thing is, that color combination used to be so cool. I think it's because such womanly 'men' are sporting them... it must be. I see Matt Schaub's glass form lobbing limp ducks into the air to the opposing team and all I can think of is "God those colors used to be so cool.." and also "Man, Schaub looks a whole lot like Ben Afleck" and then right after that any combination of "LOL PICK" "LOL INJURY" or "LOL MISSED PLAYOFFS"... do you get where I'm going with this?

Because I don't. The Texans just have this air of.. I don't know what it is. The fact that they haven't made the playoffs is akin to me as "the team that still keeps being held back in sixth grade"... or more accurately "the kid that really really really tries but is ultimately an accident and will probably always be second best in his family/state of Texas". Get me?

I suppose that bit is unfair. Even noting that this post is entirely satrical, it's worth noting that the Texans are infinitely more awesome than the Dallas Cowboys and if anything is right in the world they will surely teach them their place in the same vein that everyone forgot that the New York Giants exist. Hey guys, did you hear that the Jets are getting a new stadium?? I wonder where that other team in New York will play.

The only good part about the Houston Texans is Andre Johnson. I won't even make stuff up about this guy (except I heard that he likes eating babies.. just something I read, I dunno), he's great. It's a shame he's totally embarrassed to be in Houston. Don't just assume that the guy isn't a diva and full of himself. Every wide receiver is a diva. It's a known fact. Johnson just doesn't want people to know he plays for the Texans.

So I'm going to wrap this up and hopefully as the posts go they'll be funnier and make more 100% accurate and complete, unbiased sense than the last.

In Summation: At least we are sympathetic and able to let them have a free win here and there so they can get on their feet. At least, once again, our uniforms are fantastic and their uniforms are awful. At least we've been to the playoffs. At least our quarterback doesn't look like a fading actor. At least our wide receivers want to play for us and aren't completely embarrassed. And at least, once again, we have five Super Bowl wins and they have none. As Aristotle once said..

Neener neener neener. So there.