The Green Bay Packers are one of the most storied franchises in National Football League history. The previous statement is both overused and completely false. On more than one occasion, I have sighted a "cheesehead" (they do smell like a different kind of cheese, mind you) claiming that the Packers have more championships than any other team in the NFL.
I mean, I suppose we can make the same argument for the 49ers. Who wants to get together and make some fake championships to peg to our team? Oh wait--we don't have to. We already are up there with five legitimate Super Bowl wins. Any time you see a Packer fan holding on to that irrelevant nonsense, just let them be. They don't know any better. Pat them on the back and tell them how right they are, and how great their macaroni picture of themselves as a cowboy is. They'll be very happy.
The city of Green Bay is another kicker. Could you have a more irrelevant city to host a professional football team? Well that's being too nice. The usage of the word "professional". Yeah, I used that joke last time, sue me. What do they have in Green Bay? Looks like they have plants that make paper and a railroad museum. Cool.... yeeeeah.
They call it 'Titletown' which is hilarious. What if I started my own football league right now and my team won the league of four teams five years in a row... and then sixty years down the road when the league is huge with millions of fans and hundreds of millions of dollars being poured into professional athletes, I still cite those championships as having a successful franchise? Thus is the Green Bay Packers.
Even if you were to take said title wins and make them seem like they were a good achievement... some of them were still controversial. I mean come on. 1965. You know what I'm talking about.
So now that we've established that the Green Bay Packers probably don't have any legitimate championships, what of their current team? Well, when your starting cornerback tandem's age is a collective 176, you have a problem. Those guys could seriously shatter at any moment. At this point, Nate Clements' shoulder and Michael Lewis' skull would be vast improvements over the body parts that these two currently field.
What of Aaron Rodgers? I didn't want to say this but... look at the guy. He just screams "buy a van and paint free candy on the side", don't he? He should get together with Ben Roethlisberger sometime, all I'm gonna say on that.
I mean, if you think about it, the only thing that makes the Packers good is Brett Fa... oh... well. Nevermind that notion. So let's wrap this up, shall we?
In Summation: At least we have legitimate championships to our name. At least we're represented by a city rich in culture and not chiefly known for having paper factories and fake titles. At least our cornerbacks, while unstable at the moment, are not both cracking the age of 50. At least our quarterback doesn't look like he has questionable motives when it concerns vulnerable girls. At least we won't always be known as the team Brett Favre left, then proceeded to beat down. At least we actually have cheerleaders. At least we can get some season tickets without having to forge a fake will. At least we are named after some of the grittiest, most hardcore humans of the past while the Packers... well they either take their name from an offensive slur that I won't say, or perhaps an actual packing company. At least we're not the Green Bay Packers.
Disclaimer: This piece is entirely satirical and I think the Packers are eh pretty cool guy, plays football, wins gamez and doesn't afraid of anything.