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At Least We're Not... The New England Patriots!

Disclaimer: Patriots fans, please do not take offense to this article. It is the middle of the offseason and we are starved for something to read. So what do we do? We make jokes about other teams. That's what I do, at least - so I'm going to do that for everyone here. If you're a Patriots fan, again, this entire article is a piece of humor, satirical to its very core and you should not be offended or respond to this article calling us all gay or sending me emails (to the point of stalking me, by the way) trying to correct grammatical errors that may or may not have been present or even telling me that I should kill myself for the betterment of mankind on Twitter. If it makes you feel any better, we are all well-aware that our coach has dropped his pants in front of 60 other men in a closed and locked locker room. We're also aware that you smell funny so: neener neener and nanny friggin booh booh, OK? Much love, and good luck in the 2010 season.

I think the New England Patriots might just have the worst name in the entire NFL. When your name is only better than "The Texans" (which is on a "Canadiens" and "Canucks" level of total stupidity), you've got serious problems. Their most defining factor is being a Patriot, seriously? Are you playing for America? Will you be representing America in the American Football Worldcup? No, you won't, because we already dominate that thing fielding middle schoolers (which I suppose wouldn't be too much a step down from the squad the Pats will field in 2010).

The 49ers are named off someone with real character, something you can define, quantify, something that even the working man today can relate to. The Patriots relate to.. well.. Patriotism. I bet LondonNiner is offended by the New England Patriots. If he isn't, he should be, because there's nothing more awesome than a "miffed" Brit.

I'm getting off track though, and the fact that the Patriots have a dumb name is only like the.. eighteenth thing that's wrong with them. You can go ahead and make the jump (they'll be crawling across, at the bottom) and read on.

So, I'm going to point out the elephant in the room (he's right there, behind the old couple with the cotton candy, see him? It's tricky because they gave a lot of people the red and white shirt, but only he has the glasses!) and get right to it: Tom Brady is about as loathsome and "sparkly" as Jacob and Edward from the Twilight movies. He's the Golden Boy. Quite literally in fact, seeing as how Roger Goodell is doing his damnedest to try and protect him like he made an ill-advised investment in that very same gold market. Protip, Roger - you don't invest in gold.

It seems like any time a defensive lineman or linebacker gets within a couple inches of hitting Tom Brady ever since he went all "ouch my knee" on us they get a flag thrown. I'm calling it now, it's going to be about ten times worse in 2010, any time a defensive lineman or linebacker (or blitzing folk from the secondary) even think about sacking Tom Brady, they'll immediately flagged for "malice with intent to damage the league's most lucrative smile". I do suppose though, that I can't continue likening him to Edward from Twilight as Tom Brady doesn't share Robert Pattinson's affinity with looking like a damn foot.

Someone called Tom Brady pretentious one day - Tom almost choked on his latte. I gotta tell you folks, Tom is pretty much just a pretty face and an arm that can (sometimes) throw a football. He once read that breathing air in metropolitan areas could be harmful to his health. After blacking out and waking in an ambulance, he was informed that not breathing in said areas was even more harmful. Good one, Tom.

I could go on and on about Tom "I Haven't Got A Leg To Stand On" Brady... so I will. Tom Brady once got a call from creditors telling him that his bill was outstanding. He replied "Thanks!" and sent them an autographed picture of his ravishing smile. Tom Brady shot and starred in a music video, and rather than go off explaining it, I'll just link it here. He's right at 1:52 in the video, swinging a sword and blowing up a ship; he also provides the backing vocals that come in at 2:27 - and it's also his favorite song of all time - it is, in fact, the only thing he ever listens to. Well that and, of course, Riding Dirty. Who doesn't listen to that, though? Tom Brady, THAT'S WHO! What? I just told you he did? I made you vulnerable with a false sense of security and then ambushed you? Deal with it. Tom Brady sucks.

Anyway... I suppose I can talk about something else other than Tom Brady's inherent inability to to complete a play without whining about a flag to the referee, his coach, the commissioner, Gisele and of course, his mommy. I can talk about more favorable calls that our friends (are they friends?) over at Silver and Black Pride could summarize probably a bit better. Here are some direct quotes, dictated but not read.

Tom Brady? Moar leik Tom LADY XFD HAH


If I catch that tree hugging sexless, sparkling freak in Oakland again well, I'll.... ask him politely to leave because that was us law abiding Raider fans do.

one more while I'm at it:


These are all factual quotes that were never actually said except for in my head but I don't care and neither do you. So shutup. No, stop typing. Stop it. If you're typing to that bit, I'm not going to read it. In fact, I have edited the code of the site to intelligently tell when you're typing up a reply to what I say about the Raiders and it defaults to "Ninjames is so great I just might light him on fire and inject the ashes into my eyes". True story. In fact, try it.

Alright, so I'm getting side-tracked. How about the town the Patriots are based in? Foxborough? Foxboro? The people who live there don't even know which way is the correct spelling. (Scholars maintain that it translates to "A whales vagina" but it is unconfirmed at this point). Wikipedia tells me the town's crowning achievement was being the once-home of the world's largest straw hat factory. Wow. This is too easy, I'm serious - I actually wondered if I'd have enough to write about when it comes to the Patriots but now I fear I'm running too long so I'll just shorten this a little bit. (Maybe I'll throw out a part two later on?)

Foxboro really, really sucks. Their chief source of income is Patriots football and an MLS team that nobody remembers. The New England Something-Or-Others, they're called. That's all I'll really say about that city, considering all I can find out about it is that the Patriots do indeed, very probably associate with it - but not officially because that would be like a pro team claiming allegiance to Cleveland. ...Oops.

The fact remains that even after three titles, the Patriots fans were still whiny and delusional. They still cried and moaned at the injustice Bellichick endured when the league (barely) punished the Cheatriots for cheating. How do you know when the Patriots are cheating? When you turn on the Patriots game. Seriously, once Tom Brady leaves for another team next season, the games will end up being blacked out over and ever as ticket sales plummet - but don't worry, Patriots fans, Bellichick will tape them for you.

And I'm back on Brady again. I just can't help it. He's such an easy target (as Bernard Pollard will tell you!). I hate how much that guy fakes his injuries. No seriously, his ACL injury was about as real as Ray Lewis' alibi. Roger Goodell thought opened an investigation on the matter of Brady cheating and having an "in" with referees, but Goodell only reached a third of the way through the preliminary report, as he ran out of crayons.

The only credit I can ever give Bill Bellichick is being a mastermind at sending out his minions to ruin other football franchises. No, look it up. Crennel, McDaniels, Mangini, etc.

I've run too long, so I'll just wrap things up here..

In Summation: At least we're not quarterbacked by the gas-legged Edward of the NFL, Tom Brady. At least our team is named after something definable, with real personality. At least none of our team's five Super Bowl championships are marred by controversial cheating. At least when we want inside information on a team, we just go ahead and sign one of their assistant coaches and then ever talk to them again. At least we're based in a city known for more than straw hats in rather large quantities. At least our wide receivers can actually speak English. At least our coach can dress like a professional. At least our team has a little personality. At least our quarterback doesn't look for the highest maintenance thing on the planet and then try to marry it. At least we've got something to look forward to in the coming seasons instead of having the average age of our team be six hundred and forty-three. At least, my friends, we are not the New England Patriots.