clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

At Least We're Not... The Buffalo Bills

Disclaimer: Bills fans, please do not be offended by this post. It is a joke and thus far I have covered several other teams in this manner. It's the middle of the offseason and well, the best thing we can do right now is share some laughs and good times. How do I do that? I make fun of another team. In no way does the following post accurately convey my feelings or thoughts on the Buffalo Bills or their fans. Please do not spam this site, write me emails detailing spelling errors that may or may not have been there (all the while technically stalking me to the point of where I almost called the police) or even tell me that I should off myself on Twitter. Do not be offended. I love you.

What's that smell? It smells like... like... mediocrity. Oh look, it's the Buffalo Bills! I don't know a whole lot about this team other than the fact that they basically are the poster-child for failure in the grandest of fashion. It's easy to see why they're so bad though. I mean, they're there in that division, absorbing the dividends of a pride obliterating [site decorum]-slap from the Jets, Dolphins and Patriots on a constant basis. 

Naturally, I turned to Wikipedia to hit me up with some knowledge. As with the Houston Texans, I was tickled pink that the article began with "The Buffalo Bills are a professional...", which of course is where I stopped reading. One of adjectives shouldn't be there, and just to make it easy on you, only one of those words are adjectives. Further reading gave me another gem to work with...

"The Bills began competitive play in...". I've went ahead and italicized the word that doesn't belong here. The Bills competitive? Since when? You've gotta be yankin' my crank. Even further reading drew up some obvious Wikipedia vandalism as, according to our graffiti-esque miscreant, the Bills won two titles in the AFL in the years 1964 and 1965. I've since deduced that the AFL was on break those years and the Bills simply went out and did a couple scrimmages with themselves or the local high school teams and then claimed themselves champions. They all went out for pizza and ice cream and felt like right good players.

But the truth soon revealed itself as I read that the team has not won a championship since the merger. This is fantastic news. They have had relative success, that is, relative to climbing the stairs all the way to the top, thinking there is another step and realizing that there isn't panicking, and falling back down the stairs. The Bills are the only team to win four consecutive AFC championships, and as such, the only team to play in four consecutive Super Bowls. And as such again, the only team to lose four consecutive Super Bowls.

I am one who loves the notion of putting your best foot forward - so long as when you step there is nothing below and you fall flat on your face. Such is the case with the Buffalo Bills and their Super Bowl wins. I do feel bad for their fans, but there's something almost poetic about it. The rising of the hopes of the fans, the calling for success and guaranteed wins, the merchandise that was bought, and then the meteoric failure as the football is just outside the uprights. Just outside. He missed it. HE MISSED IT!

So now we come to the present day Bills. They have a quarterback who exudes that same mediocrity. Upon having a good season, he remembered he played for the Bills and opted to force a concussion upon himself. When he came back, he was throwing passes in an area that can be considered to be not entirely unlike near a wide receiver. That is to say, he isn't very accurate. The worst part about him is that he's made of glass. I could literally launch tiny little Fooch at him and I'm sure Trent Edwards would collapse into a pile of glass and dust.

Perhaps one of the most damning aspects about the Bills is that their best player - literally the best player on their team is likely a player who has yet to play a snap in the NFL. And the best thing is? He wasn't even the player they should have taken with that pick! The player I'm referring to, of course, is CJ Spiller. 

Spiller is a great player, it's unfortunate that he's going to that franchise to die in mediocrity. The Bills, however, had a plethora of options at that pick that would have been better, considering the fact that the Bills are actually strong at running back. Who knows though? I bet he'll win them three or four games, which of course means the Bills are going 4-12 at best this coming season.

Do I even need to mention what's going on with Aaron Schobel? I really don't think I do. Schobel would rather play for the Houston Texans than the Buffalo Bills. That's right, a franchise that is barely remembered by 90% of all football fans is a better team to play for than the Bills. Surreal.

I need to wrap this up. In the coming days I will have probably three more of these before I wrap them up for awhile as the regular season starts. I'd like you to leave some comments telling me what teams you'd like me to write one of these on.

In Summation: At least in five super bowls played, we've won them all. At least when we win a conference championship, we don't take the next few weeks off and assume that's good enough for our franchise. At least our quarterback knows what a wide receiver looks like and can get him the ball on occasion. At least our front office knows how to draft for need. At least players want to play here, and are actually probably going to take less money to do so. At least our cheerleaders aren't called the 'Buffalo Jills'. At least we play in California and not Antarctica Buffalo. At least, my friends, we're not the Buffalo Bills.

Disclaimer: Please read the disclaimer above.