clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Playoff Picture for your TV Dad

A look at the NFC playoff picture with a touch of satire.

Stephen Dunn

As we approach the 2013-14 NFL playoffs, I'm sure many of you find yourself asking the familiar question "how is my TV dad's team holding up?" Well your sleepless nights are through, because I've assembled a comprehensive guide that will help answer the aforementioned, and so much more (the "more" being nothing that will help you with life, women, self improvement, or personal hygiene).

As you know, we 49ers fans have been blessed with a dedicated TV dad in Danny Tanner. Growing up, Danny taught us members of Niners Nation so many invaluable lessons. Granted most of them were about cleaning, but he also reminded us about the importance of having cute kids. Danny proved that you could be tall, ugly, feminine, yet still pull in the zestiest of women... yes, as long as you have a perpetual three-year old with nippy quips and good comedic timing, your house will always stay full.

Sure, Mr. Tanner is sitting high on his throne this playoff season as the 49ers appear to have all the trappings of a championship caliber team. However, it's been 19-years since "Wake up San Francisco" has televised a Super Bowl parade, and I for one think that is 19-years too long. Side note: congratulations to the staff of "Wake up San Francisco" for their 1998 Emmy nomination in "Best Sound Editing" for a regional morning talk show.

But what about the other TV dads out there? Their respective team futures aren't as easy to predict. Al Bundy's Chicago Bears are hanging on for dear life, and will have to face a resilient Packers team this week in Chicago. If the Bears win, Bundy's team gets in by the skin of their teeth. While a victory won't change Al's sexual inadequacies or his hatred for his family, neighbors, and women's feet... the Bears could be a sleeper in the playoffs if their defense finally decides to lace up their cleats. Why you may ask? The combination of Alshon Jeffery, Brandon Marshall, and Matt Forte can cause nightmares for any d-coordinator. Da Bears fate all depends on the always-inconsistent Jay Cutler, and that Ditkaless defense (pun intended).

Which brings us to TV dad Alan Mathews, and his beloved Philadelphia Eagles. Old Alan, when compared to most TV dads, flew well under the radar in terms of popularity. Some say it was because his son stole the show by always attempting to meet the world (which I still don't know how you do). Others will tell you that it was because Alan was from Philadelphia, a city no one cares about. However, unlike Alan, the Philadelphia Eagles shouldn't go unnoticed. Their defense has been more consistent in recent weeks, and Nick Foles is playing like a seasoned vet, directing an offense that is more talented than most realize. If the Eagles can win an away game in Dallas, a game they very well should win, expect them to give their first round opponent some trouble.

With that said, if the Bears and Eagles manage to sneak into the playoffs by winning their divisions, it's highly unlikely they could beat any of the potential NFC wildcard teams (49ers, Saints, Panthers, Seahawks), even with home field advantage. But stranger things have happened, just ask Tim "the Toolman" Taylor, who still can't believe that his Detroit Lions had yet another late season meltdown, a letdown more embarrassing than "Christmas with the Kranks." He also can't believe that his nickname is "Toolman" given his reputation for being bad with tools.

I guess it could be worse though, you could be Frank Lambert, who's Packers will have to go step by step on Sunday if they are to defeat the Bears and make the playoffs. With or without their franchise quarterback Aaron Rodgers, the Packers will have their hands full in Chicago. By the way, why did none of the Lamberts have Wisconsin accents? I guess when you have a bunch of hot daughters, continuity falls by the wayside.

Regardless of who your TV dad is and what team he roots for, you can expect one thing entering the final week of the regular season... a great show!