Ray Lewis Confirms Conspiracy Theory

Hello. I'm Ray Lewis.

Now that I have retired from my career as an NFL linebacker, I have started working as an analyst. And by "working" as an "analyst" I, of course, mean that I now have a national platform as an elite member of the sports entertainment industry. And, let me tell you, even though the pressure of Football is off, the pressure of media and reporting is on. That's why I promise to never abuse my powers while discussing an industry that brings in millions and millions of dollars and serves as a vessel for both comfort and friendship to many people around the world. I will take my role as an informer of the public seriously.

And that's why I want to talk to you about a serious matter today: the 49ers keep finding ways to cheat the system with their "game delays."

As I'm sure I've made you all aware, the 49ers clearly are cheaters. The Super Bowl is the perfect evidence. I'm not saying that it was caused by the 49ers per se, but it was caused by the 49ers. Even that Jed York guy had a tweet confessing to it! How did nobody pay attention?

And this isn't the first time they have done it. I mean, there was that time with the Steelers too. I didn't complain at the time, because it didn't directly affect me. In fact, it hurt a division rival, so I kept my mouth shut, just waiting until it was personal. But, come on. You can't tell me that the Steelers blackout was an accident. Candlestick has been around for years. Not once has that happened before. I mean, something doesn't just get old and crappy and start breaking down all of a sudden.

But now, the cheaters are at it again. And this time with their own division rivals. On Sunday night, for one hour - get that, ONE FULL HOUR - the 49ers caused a thunder and lightning storm. In the first half, the game was clearly getting away. The 49ers' defense couldn't stop a Seahawks offense that was rolling just because they got good field position. And, come on, you just know that Colin Kaepernick is so jealous of Russell Wilson. Why do you think he talks so much about the time they spent on those commercials together? Everybody knows that being short is the new QB market inefficiency.

And the proof is in the broadcast itself. Like four different times, they showed a still image of the thunder striking. I've seen that crap before. It's super fast. Ain't nobody able to take pictures of that. It's a conspiracy, I tell you, a conspiracy.

I'm glad we could talk about this today. And I'm glad that I could start off my career as an analyst without sounding ridiculous or stupid.