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San Francisco 49ers general manager Trent Baalke is a wizard when it comes to trades. I'm assuming he can use The Force and simply bends other, lesser general managers to his will and trades just happen. No matter what I accomplish in life, I'll never have the kind of silver tongue that produces draft picks at a moment's notice. But there's one real problem with what went down over the past four or five days:
EVERYTHING THE 49ERS DID IS WRONG! EV.ERY.THING.
This year's draft haul is fine if you'd like to settle for mediocrity and "bucking the trend" is your primary goal. I mean come on -- Jimmie Ward? Are you kidding me? It's like these guys don't even read mock drafts. Fortunately, you good folks have someone who does keep up with the latest 100 percent accurate Internet trends who can steer you in the right direction. I even read mock drafts in the newspaper.
See, the newspaper is like analog blogs but for people who still use dial-up and who still use their phones as phones. It's a real handy way to read things everybody else already read 12 hours ago while still assuring that you're doing some kind of damage to the environment. They're really neat.
Anyway, if you keep up with said Internet trends and offline analog blogs, then you know that nothing the 49ers did is at all what was expected of them. And in case you didn't know, the 49ers serve at our pleasure, which means the things we say absolutely should matter. Why we don't randomly elect someone to make the first-round draft pick each year is beyond me. We could even do like a Hunger Games thing where the winner gets to make the pick and also maybe gets to live. We'd discuss that part on a case-by-case basis.
So we're going to get to this. I'm going to go along at the times where the 49ers picked -- keeping the same trades that Baalke made, because he probably didn't do a horrible job with those -- and tell you who they should have picked to remain relevant. Because, again, they did every single thing wrong.
No. 30 overall (Round 1)
They Picked: S Jimmie Ward, Northern Illinois
Why He's Wrong: Did you see him in any first-round mock drafts? I didn't think so. I don't care if you saw him at No. 33, the fact is the 49ers reached. Plus why would they even need a safety? They already have Antoine Bethea, who is not at all aging and has never been hurt in his life.
They Should Have Picked: WR Bruce Ellington, South Carolina
Why He's Better: Look, don't give me that "they took him in the fourth round spiel." That's garbage. That's a clown response, bro. Ellington is going to be amazing and it shows nothing but irresponsible drafting on the 49ers' part to let him hang around that long. It's Ellington on principle and the important part is this: the 49ers still technically didn't do anything right.
No. 57 overall (Round 2)
They Picked: RB Carlos Hyde, Ohio State
Why He's Wrong: Uh I dunno, maybe a little thing called FRANK GORE? On top of that, there's Marcus Lattimore, who will be good to go this year (why wouldn't he be healed already?), and there's Kendall Hunter and that other guy that keeps crying on Twitter. James somethin'.
They Should Have Picked: QB Jimmy Garoppolo, Eastern Illinois
Why He's Better: If we're going to overload a position, why not quarterback? No other position affects a game more so I figure why not throw two of them out there? Either way, we have the benefit of hindsight, and given that the New England Patriots ended up getting this guy at No. 62, and I'm pretty sure they know quarterbacks. Colin Kaepernick has an extension coming up soon -- I think Jim Harbaugh has proven he can win with any quarterback. So rather than sign big extensions, let's just keep bringing new guys in. Bulletproof.
No. 70 overall (Round 3)
They picked: C Marcus Martin, Southern California
Why He's Wrong: Offensive line is so boring. I personally don't see why teams even use picks on offensive linemen. I'm a big fat guy and nobody is asking me to come earn millions of dollars per year to eat pizza and stand in the way of things.
They Should Have Picked: DT Louis Nix, Notre Dame
Why He's Better: This guy was the best defensive tackle in the draft like three months ago. I don't know what happened since then but he's not an offensive lineman nor has he torn both of his ACLs recently (I think), so he's the pick here.
No. 77 overall (Round 3)
They picked: LB Chris Borland, Wisconsin
Why He's Wrong: Pretty sure the 49ers have Patrick Willis. Why do they even need another linebacker?
They Should Have Picked: LB Shayne Skov, Stanford
Why He's Better: He's a better linebacker. Sure, he went undrafted and he's coming to San Francisco anyway but he almost went to the Oakland Raiders. Seriously. I feel bad for the guy just for the rumors that he might have went there.
No. 100 overall (Round 3)
They Picked: OL Brandon Thomas, Clemson
Why He's Wrong: WHY DOES THIS TEAM LIKE HURT PEOPLE DO THEY GET MONEY FOR EVERY BROKEN PERSON THEY DRAFT
They Should Have Picked: CB Beshaud Breeland, Clemson
Why He's Better: They missed out on the better Clemson player, in my opinion. I ain't even joking, Breeland is going to be pretty darn good. Real talk and such.
No. 106 overall (Round 4)
They Picked: WR Bruce Ellington, South Carolina
Why He's Wrong: Because he should have been taken earlier. That's all there is too it. If he was picked at No. 106, I'd say that's about 105 picks too late. Too risky to let him stay there.
They Should Have Picked: S Jimmie Ward, Northern Illinois
Why He's Better: He's going to be pretty good, but the 49ers could have got him here. No question.
No. 129 overall (Round 4)
They Picked: CB Dontae Johnson, North Carolina State
Why He's Wrong: Someone compared him to Richard Sherman and when I think of Sherman all I taste burnt plastic in my mouth.
They Should Have Picked: QB Tom Savage, Pittsburgh
Why He's Better: Seriously, I wasn't even joking about that quarterback stuff earlier. The 49ers should load up on it, and Savage, I'm told, is raw, but has the best arm in college or something. I've never watched any tape on him and everyone I talk to seems to think he sucks out loud but ESPN told me that he's good. He went at No. 135.
No. 150 overall (Round 5)
They Picked: OLB Aaron Lynch, South Florida
Why He's Wrong: Just what we need, more off-the-field problems. I mean, I'd be genuinely worried if this guy's main problem wasn't "doesn't care." I doubt he's going to make fake bomb threats or threaten 15-year-old kids if he doesn't have the motivation to stand up in the morning.
They Should Have Picked: WR Jerry Rice Jr., UNLV
Why He's Better: Read the damn name, son.
No. 170 overall (Round 5)
They Picked: CB Keith Reaser, Florida Atlantic
Why He's Wrong: I've never heard of him.
They Should Have Picked: CB Antone Exum, Virginia Tech
Why He's Better: I've heard of him.
No. 180 overall (Round 6)
They Picked: CB Kenneth Acker, Southern Methodist
Why He's Wrong: People keep talking about how he can play wide receiver maybe, or even return kicks. Why not just get a wide receiver who can return kicks?
They Should Have Picked: WR Robert Herron, Wyoming
Why He's Better: He's a wide receiver -- the first wide receiver picked after Acker, as it happens. I know nothing about him whatsoever but he's probably fast and can probably return kicks. So there you go 49ers, problem solved.
No. 243 overall (Round 7)
They Picked: DE Kaleb Ramsey, Boston College
Why He's Wrong: He was picked at No. 243 overall.
They Should Have Picked: Nobody, who cares at this point?
No. 245 overall (Round 7)
They Picked: FB Trey Millard, Oklahoma
Why He's Wrong: Bruce Miller should never, ever leave the field. Not ever.
They Should Have Picked: See No. 243
Your Re-Drafted 2014 49ers Class
WR Bruce Ellington, South Carolina
QB Jimmy Garoppolo, Eastern Illinois
DT Louis Nix, Notre Dame
LB Shayne Skov, Stanford
CB Beshaud Breeland, Clemson
S Jimmy Ward, Northern Illinois
QB Tom Savage, Pittsburgh
WR Jerry Rice Jr., UNLV
CB Antone Exum, Virginia Tech
WR Robert Herron, Wyoming
My phone is always on, 49ers. You need only dial the number (but sometimes it gets turned off around the 13th of each month so preferably call me by then or after the 15th when I get paid, being a super draft genius doesn't pay that well, as it happens). And for you readers, if you didn't know, this post -- aside from my very real love for WR Bruce Ellington -- is a joke. And yes, it's a very stupid joke. I needed to make a stupid joke after covering the draft, and I'm not smart enough or knowledgeable enough about college football to make a 2015 mock.