The good stuff that we've featured should already have been bought. By the time you read this, you should be just about done with your holiday shopping and chilling out, watching a stupid movie.
But that leaves the people you don't like.
Let's face it, we all have to buy our enemies gifts, whether it's because our friends/significant others order us, or we just want to be absolute jerks. Either way, to conclude this buyer's guide, we've gone through the cream of the crap to find you the absolute worst things that can get you satisfaction at someone else's misery. We're scraping at the bottom of the barrel for this one.
San Francisco 49ers 2016 calendar featuring Colin Kaepernick:
There's no real collector's value in a 49ers calendar where Kap is the cover boy. Not when he is all but gone by April of 2016. Of course, we -- and you, could be overjoyed if those recent reports of him possibly coming back pan out, and you wound up buying your enemy something useful and not outdated. But given the low probability of that ever happening, we say buy this, hand it off, and watch them give you a look of rage when they say, "Kap isn't even a starting QB anymore."
Just smile when they say that and respond with, "I know, I know."
What does any Madden player not want for Christmas? Why last year's Madden, but if you're gonna be a jerk, dammit, you might as well do it right and give them the Madden from 20 years ago. Why then? Because chances are they won't have a Super Nintendo to even play it. Tell them it's a lesson in history, and a really good game if they can shell out $70 for an SNES and the trimmings.
Oyo 49ers Training Cart:
You know the moment Fooch mentions this, the entire 49er community is going to buy one of these things for themselves. But for those of you who held out on owning your own 49ers medical cart, you can get one off ebay for a slightly inflated price.
Now you're probably wondering how to explain this to the poor fool you buy this for. We thought of that too. It seems the 49ers can't hold onto anybody given the way the offseason has rolled out. Why spend $300 on a jersey for a player when they may only be there for two years? Since the NFL doesn't offer a jersey upgrade program like cell phones, you could disappoint someone in two years when that jersey is outdated. Then how will they feel?
Well you did them a favor, because the NFL medical cart will never go out of style. You'll have that hunk of junk rolling on the field long after Arik Armstead's career in San Francisco ends, whether it's in two years or two decades. That cart will still be there. This is a perfect collectors item to save money and use Jedi mind tricks on your enemy to think you did a favor for them.
Warning: Only buy this gift if your recipient is a gamer and hates sports games. Also make sure you lose the receipt so they can't return it, otherwise you'll be a holiday hero.
It doesn't take very many of my Quest to Madden 16 Perfection articles to realize Madden 16 is a bad game (at least on single player), but it's also a hated series by many in the gaming community. This is not the ultimate video game franchise. 'Gamers' do not call in sick to go buy this game like Japanese citizens do for a Dragon Quest title (allegedly). That's not to say gamers hate Madden, there are plenty of hardcore game enthusiasts who love the strategy aspect of football sims, but it's not in the numbers of popularity as one would expect. So, to just totally troll the gamer enemy in your life, hand them this if you can plan ahead and realize they hate Madden. The look on their face will be priceless. All you can say is "Well it's new...and you like video games, right?"
Again, make sure they fall into the "I hate Madden camp." we don't want you getting invited to Medieval Times or a cable satellite with your enemy.
This also has other uses for those who no doubt have bought Madden already. Hand them this, say you forgot the receipt and watch as they now have two $40.00 coasters. That price will only go down from there!
There, you've got your last minute gifts. Now go drink some eggnog.