I think it was Rambo that said, "Christmas can be hell sometimes". And if you've done this for a few years, you know going to the mall to shop for family and friends is a pain. Then you have the issues of what to get people because A: They give you a list of things far too expensive for your small paycheck or B: You'd feel guilty buying them a shirt or a pair of socks when they are capable of so much more.
Or there's even option C: you just procrastinate and wait until the last minute to buy anyone anything.
But we're not here to make fun of you or state the obvious - we're here to help. For the next four weeks, we've compiled a great buyer's guide with excellent gift ideas in monetary brackets, that you can buy with trust. We picked these items because we know they are good, and we know any 49er fan will want them.
This week: We're going to be looking at gifts for your best buddy/loved one. You don't want to skimp out on buying gifts for these close people. These are your husbands, wives, best and true dear friends that you want to buy swag for. Any gift on this list is going to get you high on their list to do you favors, or look the other way when you do something stupid with/to them.
Yeah, for this week's offerings you probably won't want any part of this, but just because you need to take out a second mortgage to afford them, doesn't mean there's a friend in need who wants it. And that gleam in their eye is totally worth watching your credit go into the toilet.
Anastasio Moda San Francisco 49ers Shopping Tote
I really don't know much about these sorts of things, but Anastatio Moda sounds pretty expensive...so this has to make your special someone, man or woman, feel good, and you look good for buying it! The listing header says it's a shopping tote, but the description says this is something for a night out with your girlfriends. How rude! I wouldn't mind walking around with this to carry my groceries. To hell with those mesh sacks you can buy for 50 cents. Give me some leather to put my beer and ice cream in! That 49ers logo on the outside of the bag tells the store: "I'm a winner." And you know what? It's right.
OK, OK, if we want to play by the seller's rules, this bag certainly has a sort of femininity, we chalk it up to that bling-bling that comes with it. If only I A: had a friend who liked the 49ers that also B: liked these types of things. I'm sure you do, and I'm sure you're already pulling out your checkbooks.
Really though, this is actually a nice bag. Credit to @mcconnellj for hitting me up with the suggestion. A few of you said it looked really good too when we were asking about gifts.
COST: $750-$1,000 depending on the listing.
It only gets more expensive from here.
San Francisco 49ers Home Team Recliner
Who needs to drop money on super comfortable La-Z-Boy recliners that you can customize when you can have your very own, Starbucks holiday cup-red, San Francisco 49ers recliner? Show of hands please? Exactly.
Is your friend ticked off you keep taking their seat when you're over? Buy them this and they have their own throne to sit on. But it looks so comfy and power fulfilling, you may steal this seat also.
Don't like that color? This site has black leather sofas as well to complete that family room and show everyone you're a true fan on Sundays. Chairs are overstuffed and the logos are embroidered over a microfiber finish.
I spoke to someone who sells furniture about this and they told me the only way you'd really be able to know if the chair was comfy would be to sit in it to check neck placement and where your TV sits. Do you have to tilt your head or does the headrest prop it up just right? Given the dimensions, I'd recommend you take your BFF furniture shopping and get them in a similar sized chair to make sure it fits them, otherwise this may be the recliner tucked in the corner that is only moved when you need to put up the Christmas tree.
49ers Pool Table + 49ers billiard ball set:
Who likes pool? Those of you who said, "no" need to have a dinner party complete with drinks and a great game of billiards.
Now who likes pool? This is perfect completion to any 49er fan's fan-room or even a man-cave. Just think: breaking a rack on that 49ers seal and watching balls roll along that red felt. Blaine Gabbert throws a massive touchdown pass on your TV hanging on the wall as you hear your pool cue execute a mighty break. That awesome gold trim shimmering against the billiard room lights makes you feel awesome.
Unfortunately, if you want to do this the right way, you'll have to purchase a set of balls as well. Do not worry, these being billiard balls, you won't suffer a deflategate if you have salty visitors.
COST: Around $3,300 (Note: Shipping is free)
1 suite in the sky suites at Levi's Stadium (large enough for up to 25 people)
+ Talos Outdoor Cooking Suite Grill for Tailgating
+ One bottle of The Macallan 64 Year Old in Lalique Scotch
+ 5 lbs of Pule Cheese
+ One bottle of Jeroboam of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild
Warning: This gift is not just for acquaintances. This is for the friend(s) that you love/cherish/seek redemption from that only this ultimate package will leave you as the best friend/husband/wife possible.
I know a lot of you thought tickets to Levi's would be making the "expensive" list and golly, I made sure I found the most expensive seats. In. The. House.
But that wasn't enough on my aspiring checkbook, and I needed more. It's clear this is a stadium that encourages that type of Vegas-splurge that you just spit money at and don't think twice until you're on the street. In other words, if we're going to buy our 25 best friends seats at Levi's, dammit, we're going to do it right.
First comes the tailgate. We get to leave our friends something to keep after the game with this sweet cooker. Obviously the more friends you invite, the more bartering/brawling you get to watch on which sole friend keeps this sweet grill, but that could be worth the cost of admission alone. This grill, the Talos Outdoor Cooking Suite is by far the most expensive grill on the market. Transport that baby with care. You get 42" of grilling, three cast burners, one searing station, a cutting board and a warming drawer. To sweeten the deal, the grill comes equipped with a bar.
But you can't have a bar without booze, and that's where The Macallan comes in. This 64 year old bottle of joy was bottled in a crystal decanter and sold at an auction for a huge price in 2010. We're guessing given the price tag, the buyer either drank the bottle or has it on his shelf, happy to give it away for some sort of profit. On the lighter side, we have a bottle of 2010 Chateau Mouton Rothschild, Pauillac. The Chateau should be easy to come by given the year, so you won't have to hunt it down like you do the scotch. While some bottles are upwards of six figures, the wine is actually the cheapest item on this ultimate tailgate list.
To finish it off, we have the most expensive cheese money can buy. Made from donkey's milk, Pule cheese is so tasty some may say it's worth the cost. If we're going to the 49ers, we're going with some wine and cheese.
As for the seats, this puts your friends right in the Sky Suites where up to 25 people can kick it and watch the game. This is how Levis was meant to be experienced: in the sky, away from the fans, and putting you into bankruptcy.
COST: Around $650,000
You probably want the breakdown for this right?
Levi's Suite: $45,000 (note this was quoted to me for the Bengals game, prices do fluctuate). 25-person suite with a bar ticket and access to food (but who wants that when you got the grill?).
Talos Grill: $36,000
Pule Cheese: $2400 (roughly $600/lb)
You have three weeks to save your money to become the best friend ever.
Our buyer's guide steps out of the ridiculous and into the believable. We'll be looking for gifts that you don't have to buy on credit. Got some ideas? We'll have a tweet out soon, or list some possible ideas below.