A San Francisco 49ers player is in desperate need of your help, friends. Not just a player, but a rookie -- new to this team and the scary world of the NFL. I'm talking about running back Mike Davis, and his unenviable predicament is that he's ... trying to decide which car to buy now that he's flush with NFL money.
Now, this is a problem I myself have never and will never have because for one, I'm incredibly poor and for two, I have massive anxiety and while I can drive, I'm not eager to own a vehicle or ever operate one of those death machines. I much prefer clutching my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth in the back seat pretending I'm not in a car until whoever is driving me to my destination breaks through my hysteria and tells me we've arrived.
But back to Davis -- a new car is a big, important thing, you know? I personally love the response to his Tweet from fellow rookie Denzel Perryman, of the San Diego Chargers. Perryman Tweeted that he should go for a 2002 Honda Civic because it's good on gas and dirt cheap. As someone who is far too tall for his own good, I could accidentally step on and crush an entire Honda Civic but I mean, practically that's not a bad option, even if it was a joke!
Davis has since Tweeted "Porsche Shawty" which, I don't even know if that's what he's after or if he's joking or what but I myself have never liked Porsches. Then again, that's almost exclusively because they're always that one really ugly, really hard to drive classic Porsche in driving games (which I unironically love) that's soured me on them.
So we've got a slow Sunday going. Which car should the rookie get? Humor me, I'm running out of post ideas and I have no idea where Fooch is.