Ok all, this is long overdue. Most of you know me as a mild mannered, very balanced individual with a passion for looking at two sides of an argument and fairly judging both in order to come to sensible middle ground. Well, I do have another side folks. And I'd like to introduce you to it. So here it is ladies and gents, and it may be a shock to you so hold on to your hats.
I AM THE F*****G LEADER OF THE FANS AGAINST KIM JONG YORK!!! I WANT HIM TARRED AND FEATHERED!!! HE HAS SENT OUR TEAM INTO THE G*DD*MN ABYSS OF HELL TO WHICH WE MAY NEVER F*****G RECOVER!!! WE DON'T HAVE A F*****G CHANCE!!! WE ARE F*****G DOOMED!!!! IT'S OVER BOYS AND GIRLS!!!! NOTHING TO SEE HERE BUT RED AND GOLD CHALK-MARKS!!!! A F*****G DRUNK GOAT COULD RUN THIS TEAM BETTER THAN THIS A**HAT!!! CLEVELAND FANS WILL LOOK ON US WITH PITY!!! THE ANTICHRIST HAS RISEN AND HIS NAME BE YORK!!!
Ok. So there you have it. My secret identity is out. I know it's a shocker to a lot of you that I harbor these deep seeded feelings given my normal balanced, non-confrontational front. What can I say? I hide my emotions well. Ok, so let's get on with this little endeavor. I have saved this until all off-season shenanigans are done and we have all the information we need to work with.
So a certain group on individuals have defined themselves as optimists. They have this cute feeling that everything is going to work out just great, despite what's transpired as of late, and the great 49ers team will continue to have success into the near future. Well I have a different name for these people. These misguided souls. These unicorn lovers. These rainbow regurgitaters . The name I know them by is that of the Yorkist! (Wrote a song about that, wanna hear it? Here it goes!)
Now I know you are here because us Earth dwelling individuals can't possibly believe things will improve after what has transpired this off-season. Wait, what transpiration's am I speaking of? Good point. A nice little recap is in order here. So let's kick it back a year or so and take a run at the craziness that is the Santa Clara Yorks:
February 2014 - So after the greatest run that any rookie head coach has ever had, and another near miss at a second SB appearance, the unthinkable report surfaces: Jim Harbaugh was almost traded. To the Cleveland f*****g Browns. Fans immediately called BS on this rumor. It can't be true. It isn't true. No way could it be true. What moron would do this? Speaking of morons...our owner even sent this tweet out denying the report. Remember this little gem:
Well after some super-fast backtracking, and the Cleveland Browns going on the record saying it did happen, we discovered an interesting little fact. Our owner is a balding, rat like, lying, cheapskate jerkhole. Kids, this is important to remember going forward.
November 2014 - So after what was a Thanksgiving day loss to the Seahawks, in what was fast becoming a forgettable but not bad season after three straight deep playoff runs and one SB appearance and now a team riddled with injuries at every position, our faithful owner sends out this tweet on Thanksgiving publicly undermining the entire staff and players via...Twitter. Classy.
Thank you #49ersfaithful for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn't acceptable. I apologize for that— Jed York (@JedYork) November 28, 2014
December 2014 - After what was fast becoming the worst kept secret in the league, because of a number of mysterious "leaks", the unthinkable was done. Jim Harbaugh, the winning-est coach in the NFL and now 5th all-time, was "mutually separated" from the team. No trade. No compensation. No nothing. Just a "mutual separation". The man that had resurrected this team from the ashes was unceremoniously dumped without cause.
Then there were the press conferences. If you thought the front office had a plan when they dumped Harbaugh, after a series of radio interviews and press conferences you knew for certain they didn't have a clue. The infamous "classy" press conference showed this owner doesn't have an idea of what the hell he is doing. Then he followed it up with what was the single worst radio interview I have ever heard in my life. Baalke's wasn't that much better but York's was epic in it's failure. Both have to be listed to to be appreciated in their fullest. Transcripts don't do them justice. We knew we were screwed.
January 2015 - The coaching "search". So obviously they had a plan right? Well if you were dense enough to not figure out there was no plan after watching the press conferences and listening to the interviews, then this sealed the deal. Names like Mike Shanahan were Rex Ryan surfacing. Guys who no respecting fan would ever want as a coach. Both flaming out epically in their last jobs now being considered for ours.
Well cutting to the chase on this one, we finally seemed to lock down Adam Gase. Baalke flys out, rumors are there is an offer and it's all but done. Then a day later, as the plane seems to be warming up on the tarmac to get him, the offers gone and Jimmy T is our new head coach and "the guy we wanted all along". Of course Jimmy T, in what is now becoming a 49er tradition, makes a complete mockery of both the initial introductory press conference and then subsequent interviews.
Then somehow it gets "leaked out" that Gase blew his last interview and we didn't want him. Of course, we turn around in a few weeks and try to get him as our OC after we had smeared his reputation with mud. So yeah, that didn't work out well. And we alienated Fangio in the whole process and he bails for Chicago with Gase (they will kick our a** this year just out spite).
Then we fill in the staff with a bunch of rejects that nobody else wants, including one Steve Logan who was recently hosting a local radio show and has one whole season of coaching experience in the NFL as RB coach with the Tampa Bay Bucs. But he has an ultra cool DVD coaching video set from 15 years ago! Yeah, this is going to work out well.
February - April 2015 I can't even type all this stuff because it's too painful too relive. Let me just sum it up as this. Kap trade rumors surface. Aldon almost gets cut. All free agents leave. Willis retires, but cool we still got Borland. Borland retires. "Old" people sue York. Hawks get Graham. Rams get Foles and picks (??) for Bradford. Miller beats up his girl. And I'm sure some other stuff I have selectively forgot.
May 2015 The draft. Facing what should be defining moment of his tenure and the most pressure he has ever been under, Baalke throws a middle finger up at the world and does what he wants. He leaks his first round pick. He drafts for positions we don't need right now and makes sure they are projects that won't be able to contribute for a long time to come, if ever. Most every pundit mocks his selections and trashes the picks. Thanks Baalke. We needed that.
So there is probably a ton of stuff I forgot in this summary. That's how bad our off-season was. Things that would normally be bad are now kind of "meh" when the bigger picture gets looked at. In short, we are Yorked. It's over kids. I didn't even address how bad the season ticket holders got hosed by York. There are so many things that are wrong, it's nuts.
Some people would have you believe that everything is just fine though! They would have you believe that we are being "negative nancys" for knowing that all this dysfunction will have a bad effect on the team. They will try and shout you down at every turn and berate you for your knowledge of how the world works! They will have you believe an evil media tycoon is responsible for all this! They will have you believe Harbaugh is the root of all evil and that it's good he's gone! This is the level of depravity we are dealing with folks!! And I ask you to join me in the pessimists team to combat these evil minions!! Please join me if this fight!! We will prevail!!! We will lose!!! And we will lose a lot!!!
So with that fellow pessimists, or realists as I like to call us, I will now unveil the sig line and the avatar to which those that choose to go against will have to wear with pride! Without further ado:
SIG BET: I believed unicorns to be real. I believed in the gold at the end of the rainbow. I now these things not be to be true. I have learned my lesson. Jed York is the devil and has ruined the 49ers. I should have known better but I did not.
PS: Vance McDonald sucks also (not part of the sig bet, just wanted to get that off my chest)