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Niners Nation DOOOOM Index: 49ers vs. Vikings Week 1 edition

It's a new season, which means we've got a new doom index.

Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

The offseason is officially over and for the most part, we've survived. The San Francisco 49ers started the offseason by shoveling a metric ton of [site decorum] on themselves with the rhetoric from Jed York and the ousting of Jim Harbaugh, but whatever spirits guide the fates of the NFL decided they and, by extension, we have not been through enough and proceeded to pile on a whole new steaming pile of [site decorum].

We as a community have probably come out the other end stronger, or at the very least better-equipped to handle the peaks and valleys that is a 49ers season. The kind of season that we shouldn't expect, but one that we're probably all braced for, hardened by an offseason that sought to remind every one of us what it was like just a few short years ago before Harbaugh came in and turned things around.

It's tough to look at what happened over the course of this 49ers offseason and really say that we've been here before but images of Mike Singletary flash through my mind and I feel comfortable enough saying it:

We've been here before.

Of course, "here" means that we've experienced crazy, franchise-breaking terribleness before. "Here" means we've all been the primary target of a cruise missile of pure hatred straight from the NFL Gods right into our fandom (note: "fandom" is typically located in the nether region) before and we're still here.

I don't know what's coming, but I do know that while I can't really profess I saw this coming, I can certainly say that I was once inspired by a Mike Singletary speech, and fooled by a J.T. O'Sullivan touchdown. I once thought Kwame Harris was one of the most impressive young tackles in the NFL, and at one time I did, in fact, think Jim Hostler might be a better offensive coordinator than Norv Turner.

From here on out, if it feels like I wrote this post in two different sessions at different times, it's because I got dizzy and passed out after writing the paragraph above.

So yeah, you might even be able to spin my current mood and feelings about the team as positive. I suppose I project sort of a "this is all going to hell," vibe and sure, you can take this post to mean that I'm totally prepared for the worst. But if you want my actual feelings about this season, it's that I think the 49ers will probably be fine. They'll have a dominant run defense, Colin Kaepernick will look much better than he did last year despite a shoddy offensive line and Carlos Hyde will be an effective replacement for Frank Gore.

In other words, if I'm voting in the Niners Nation DOOOOOOOOOM Index, I'm probably voting for the middle or second-to-least doomed option because I've got that Week 1 fever. We'll see how I'm looking after Monday's game against the Minnesota Vikings, and we'll see how I'm looking right after that tough stretch with the Seattle games later in the season. But for now I am somewhat optimistic.

Shocking, right? Anyway, this is a series of posts that I'm going to continue. Sometimes it's going to be over the top, sometimes I'll be joking and something I, a natural pessimist, will probably be a legitimate downer. Them's the breaks folks, but what I absolutely don't want is for anybody pitching a tent in the comments, picking a line and insulting everyone who is on the other side of it.

If you feel great about the 49ers, that's great -- I can tell you that anybody who insults you for it is just secretly envious. If you feel bad about the 49ers, that's also great -- I'll buy you an e-beer and we can be miserable together.

Anyway, I reset the number of O's in the headline, because they were gonna get out of control and we'll see where they go throughout the offseason. I think we'll start with four of them and if the bad options in the poll win out, I'll increase them by one next time around. That sound good?

The 49ers are doomed, folks. Doomed doomed doomed. But if you think things might actually be fine, that's also fine -- but that doesn't mean they're not doomed. The correct poll option for you, dear reader, is the "least doomed" option. If you want to see the results from previous four iterations of the DOOOM Index, check out this Imgur album I created here.

GO NINERS!