When the Denver Broncos traded for Mark Sanchez, acquiring him from the Philadelphia Eagles, I experienced a depressing moment of clarity. In that moment I discovered that I would much rather have Sanchez under center than Blaine Gabbert. This being 2016 and me being amazing and convinced that everybody else is entitled to my opinion, I took this revelation to Twitter.
There were some in agreement, which has led me to understand I am not the only completely sane person on the planet, but there were quite a few people who engaged me in arguments to try and fight for Sir Gabbert. I once again experienced a moment of clarity, an epiphany if you will. A moment of self-realization which lifted a great weight from my shoulders.
I decided to retire.
Calm down, calm down ... not retire from writing in general or being a master of the journalistic arts (hah), but rather retire from writing any and all opinions about Blaine Gabbert. I've decided that it's something I have to do. Arguing with fans of Gabbert is a tired, pointless exercise that can only end in sadness. Realizing as much, I went ahead and sent this email to your benevolent overlord, Fooch:
There you have it, folks. I am not writing opinions about Blaine Gabbert going forward, only objective statements and stats will be said from here on out. Well, in just a couple weeks, so let me get this out of the way ... Blaine Gabbert is terrible. He will never be a great quarterback. He will never be an OK quarterback. He is not good and has no potential to ever be better. If you disagree with me then you're a lying dumb poop monster whose face is as dumb as a butt. So stick your head in doo doo.
Yeah, that's where I'm coming from.
Anyway -- free agency! The 49ers have done next to nothing in free agency, bringing in Thad Lewis and uh ... well that's it, really. They have also reportedly agreed to trade quarterback Colin Kaepernick to a couple different teams, but Kaepernick is likely proving difficult to deal with when it comes to said teams wanting to give him a pay cut.
Which is understandable. You get yours, Colin. I hope the dude gets paid and I hope wherever he goes, he bounces back because I think he was pretty universally liked around here before his massive regression in recent seasons.
The 49ers haven't done much. That means that they're doomed, right? It's about time for another DOOM INDEX poll, and to refresh your memory, here are the results from the last iteration of the index, from Jan. 16 of this year.
For a full list of DOOM INDEX results, I created an Imgur album here.
Doom! Gloom! Vote away!