Jimmy Garoppolo is here, and he’s looking pretty good. I’m not just talking about the fact that he is alarmingly handsome, of course, I’m talking about the fat that he looked competent throwing the football against an average Chicago Bears defense on Sunday.
What I wanted out of Garoppolo’s first San Francisco 49ers start was simple: an efficient day of passing with no egregious mistakes. He did have an interception, but the throw wasn’t really on him, and he was definitely efficient. In other words: I got what I wanted out of Sunday’s game.
The only downside, of course, is the fact that the 49ers are now in line for the third overall pick rather than the second overall pick in the 2018 NFL Draft. That’s because the New York Giants, like clockwork, lost to the Oakland Raiders a few hours after the 49ers beat the Bears.
Well ... there is another downside, as it happens. The 49ers, you see, are very doomed.
It’s not news that I honestly relish bringing to you, dear readers. I am but a messenger, a bearer of bad news. I carry ill tidings, but I did not create them. I am not the catalyst of our demise, but I am the harbinger. It is unavoidable.
The grim rictus of reality is thus: when the 49ers win, it only postpones the inevitable. Garoppolo does the same. But the inevitable — our inherent doom — is something of a moving target. There are different levels of doom.
Our finest doom scientists (whom I have termed “calamitologists”) have actually discovered that we can measure levels of doom. To do this, we crunch the EXTREMELY SCIENTIFIC poll results from these Doom Index posts, voted on by you good users here at Niners Nation. This is a LEGITIMATE SCIENTIFIC ENDEAVOR and was not originally started AS A BIG JOKE.
Ahem ... anyway. So, as usual, you can find results from the entire history of the Doom Index in this image gallery right here.
How doomed are the 49ers?
This poll is closed
Cleveland Browns Doomed (Most Doomed)
New York Giants Doomed (Pretty Doomed)
San Francisco 49ers Doomed?! (Somewhat Doomed)
Denver Broncos Doomed (Kinda Doomed)
Jimmy Garoppolo Doomed (Least Doomed)