The San Francisco 49ers are doomed. Kyle Shanahan is doomed. Brian Hoyer, NaVorro Bowman, Carlos Hyde and Joe Staley are all doomed. We, as fans, are also doomed, our fates intertwined with a team that is potentially less doomed than expected, but ultimately still doomed.
Don’t tell anybody, but I’m surprisingly optimistic about the team and the young players on it after the first preseason game. It was ugly, and the Kansas City Chiefs starters certainly looked better than the 49ers starters. But the draft picks all looked good and the free agent additions played well, at least in my opinion.
But back to the doom. The 49ers are incredibly doomed, as are you and as am I. We’re all hurtling right into the gaping maw of festering, fetid doom at terminal velocity and there’s absolutely nothing we can do to prevent our wretched fate. It is, in every sense, inescapable. The only comfort I have is that you all are along for the ride with me.
Though as we’ve learned in the past, there is a spectrum. Sometimes, the 49ers are more doomed. Sometimes, they’re less doomed. We all agree that I personally am always the most doomed, but the 49ers certainly fall somewhere else, somewhere less doomed, on the spectrum.
After the 2017 NFL Draft, well after the 49ers had hired a new coaching staff, I ran the latest DOOM INDEX poll and the results were surprising, as you can see above. Voters went with “Least Doomed” 35 percent of the time, compared to just 10 percent for “Most Doomed.”
I don’t recall how I voted in that poll, but it was probably somewhere around “Somewhat Doomed.” You can find results from the rest of the DOOM INDEX polls at this Imgur gallery here.
Now, the 49ers have made it through training camp and they have played an actual football game. Or rather, they’ve played something that’s kind of like a football game: a preseason game. They won that game, though they needed a rally in the fourth quarter to do it. But the source of that fourth quarter rally was a good sign, at least.
We march onward toward our doom and the second preseason game, and as we head in that direction, I want to know: just how doomed are the 49ers now?
How doomed are the 49ers?
This poll is closed
Oh My God All The Penalties Please Stop Doomed (Most Doomed)
Getting In Aaron Lynch’s Way Doomed (Pretty Doomed)
Illegal Formation Doomed (Somewhat Doomed)
Trying To Derail The C.J. Beathard Hype Train Doomed (Kinda Doomed)
Preseason Football Doomed (Least Doomed)