:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/58163553/898154024.jpg.0.jpg)
I get it. People are excited about the 49ers new quarterback. Playmaker, franchise savior, soon to be millionaire many times over, a face your spouse would leave you for — Jimmy Garoppolo seems to have everything. Everything it seems, but a proper nickname.
A man like Garoppolo deserves a nickname commensurate with his burgeoning reputation. Primetime. Beast Mode. Sweetness. Slingin’ Sammy. Megatron. Just a word or two evokes a picture of performance. We can find those words. We need to find those words. And given our sports enthusiasm, of course it involves a bracket.
I painstakingly sourced the entire internet for all the available Garoppolo nicknames. I then put each name through an advanced algorithm to find the sweet 16. I put about as much effort into this as Phoebe Buffay’s grandmother put into her famous chocolate chip cookie recipe.
The players
Jimmy Goatroppolo (aka Jimmy [insert goat emoji]roppolo)
Jimmy Geesus (aka Jimmy Geezus or G’sus)
Optimus Dime
The Franchise
Jimmy the Gent
Jimmy Montana
The San Francisco Surgeon
Jimmy GQ
Jimmy Guwap
Jimmy the Kid
The Rising Tide
The Great
Jimmy G-Spot
Gucci Garop
Jimmy Godroppolo
The Golden Gate
I thought about including a blurb for each nickname, but the fact is if you need an explanation for the nickname then it probably sucks.
Honorable Mention
Jim God Cooter. This is just phenomenal. And if we were all Lions fans, this would probably be a 1 seed. Player just doesn’t fit the system.
The bracket
:format(webp):no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/9954933/Screen_Shot_2017_12_31_at_1.05.09_PM.png)
The battles
The Sweet 16 round voting will be open until January 3rd at 11:59 pm Pacific. Vote for your favorite nickname in each battle. Separate articles for Elite 8, Final 4, and Championship battles will be posted as we proceed through our very own version of the playoffs.
Voting
In the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln:
“Elections belong to the people. It's their decision. If they decide to turn their back on the fire and burn their behinds, then they will just have to sit on their blisters.”
FOOCH’S NOTE: If you can’t see the polls below, click here.
Poll
Garoppolo Nickname: Bracket 1a
This poll is closed
-
72%
Jimmy Goatroppolo
(2524 votes) -
27%
Jimmy the Gent
(973 votes)
Poll
Garoppolo Nickname: Bracket 1b
This poll is closed
-
65%
The San Francisco Surgeon
(2252 votes) -
34%
The Great
(1186 votes)
Poll
Garoppolo Nickname: Bracket 2a
This poll is closed
-
73%
Optimus Dime
(2555 votes) -
26%
The Golden Gate
(920 votes)
Poll
Garoppolo Nickname: Bracket 2b
This poll is closed
-
68%
Jimmy G-Spot
(2407 votes) -
31%
Jimmy Montana
(1089 votes)
Poll
Garoppolo Nickname: Bracket 3a
This poll is closed
-
94%
Jimmy GQ
(3435 votes) -
5%
The Rising Tide
(189 votes)
Poll
Garoppolo Nickname: Bracket 3b
This poll is closed
-
83%
Jimmy Geesus (G’sus)
(2850 votes) -
16%
Jimmy Godroppolo
(573 votes)
Poll
Garoppolo Nickname: Bracket 4a
This poll is closed
-
43%
Jimmy Guwap
(1482 votes) -
56%
The Franchise
(1951 votes)
Poll
Garoppolo Nickname: Bracket 4b
This poll is closed
-
54%
Gucci Garop
(1908 votes) -
45%
Jimmy The Kid
(1623 votes)
Loading comments...