UTEP guard prospect Will Hernandez is one of the top players at his position in the 2018 NFL Draft. He’s an impressive prospect, one who fits well into multiple schemes.
The 49ers met with Hernandez at the 2018 Senior Bowl. One of my SB Nation colleagues at the NFL Combine, Alex Kirshner, wrote a great piece about Hernandez, his background, and his rise from unknown to a first-round draft prospect.
And on Wednesday, we learned a fact about Hernandez that we didn’t expect to learn: Hernandez, with his first NFL paycheck, will immediately run to some form of home improvement department store and purchase “one of those fancy toilets where you don’t have to use toilet paper.” In other words: a bidet.
UTEP G Will Hernandez, who @MoveTheSticks has as the 25th best player in the draft, just said on @nflnetwork the 1 purchase he’ll make when he gets his first NFL check … one of those fancy toilets where you don’t have to use toilet paper. Said he doesn’t care how much it costs— James Palmer (@JamesPalmerTV) March 7, 2018
Now, you could take a few HOT TAKES from this.
First, and most obvious, is that he’s a very efficient young man who doesn’t have the time to waste wiping. Second is that he’s potentially very lazy, and who can muster the energy to wipe? We all know effort is a concern with offensive linemen. Third, his giant offensive lineman hands frequently get poo on them when he wipes and he’s just gosh dang sick of it. Fourth, he’s concerned about the presence of fecal material unreached by a conventional wipe.
Obviously, all of that I just said above is a joke, and if you’re not in on the joke, just read a few of the comment sections here at Niners Nation over the past couple weeks or so. I don’t know why anal hygiene and bidets have become a popular discussion in virtually every article I’ve written over the past two weeks, but I’m going to have a helluva time explaining it to Fooch.
In fact, I’ve prepared a long list of happenings, in chronological order, to present to our glorious leader once he returns from his vacation in Vietnam, but as it stands, that list also includes one entry that says “bidets??? idk.” You all did this. It’s all your fault.
But hey, Hernandez seems like a pretty cool dude, and a great guard prospect. He’s probably not joking when he says he wants to get a bidet as soon as possible. I’ll take him. I’ll install the damned thing if he somehow falls to the 49ers in the second round.