Every year, Deadspin puts together an NFL season preview series called “Why Your Team Sucks.” Rather talking about playoff potential, key storylines, and so forth, Deadspin looks to go as negative as humanly possible. And honestly, the better the team or the higher the expectations, the better the article.
On Wednesday, Drew Magary took his shots at the San Francisco 49ers, and he hits on all the classics. Feel free to offer up your own favorites, but some of my favorites (without even factoring in the reader emails he includes):
- Describing Jimmy Garoppolo as “Italian Clark Kent”
- On Levi’s Stadium: “you still play your games in a Tefal skillet”
- On Kyle Shanahan and Jed York: “This whole organization is like an after-school club for nepotism.”
- On San Francisco: “From now until the very-near end of everything, San Francisco will be populated by posthuman scum who speak only in buzzwords and believe that BART stabbings are a bold new innovation in urban congestion relief.”
- “J.J. Stokes was the Harold Miner of football.”
- “Because there will probably be more Warriors gear with the tags still on than football jerseys in the stands, and most of those people will be there because it’s a required team outing for the Marketing department.”
- “Over on defense, the Niners’ biggest acquisition is a shithead who is only tolerable when he’s great, and who just ceased to be great.”