Boys, girls, non-binaries and everything else in between, it is with a heavy heart that I must inform all of you that Jimmy Garoppolo has lost a regular season game as a starting quarterback. I realize there were other players involved in the loss, most notably a very good Minnesota Vikings defense, but seeing our late-2017 season and offseason hero go down with three interceptions has had some adverse effects on my psyche.
I am thinking quite clearly when I state, matter-of-factly, that the San Francisco 49ers are well and truly doomed.
Gosh, I know what you’re thinking: “James, what the heck? I thought you were feeling positive about things?” and I get what you’re saying. I’m just as bummed out as you are. In between bouts of crying into my pillow and admiring my Garoppolo phone wallpaper, I realized that it’s best to go with my gut. And my gut, while ample in size and eerily intimidating to normal-sized humans, is rarely wrong.
Me? I’m doomed. We are all doomed, with absolutely nothing to suggest the opposite might be true. Pessimism is the only true course here, and I’m more than happy to be standing at the helm of this broken-down, decrepit ship of doom, steering us all right into the gaping maw of our own existential crisis. It’s not a role I asked for, but one I gladly adopted when it was clear a leader of mediocre skill, intelligence and charisma was needed.
And you’re welcome.
Really, there is no way to reconcile Garoppolo losing. It’s a tragedy on par with that one time Fooch left and you lot got obsessed with poop buckets, conduct that I absolutely played no part in and certainly didn’t encourage. I mean, who the heck was even running this trash fire when that happened?
I don’t get to write about the 49ers as much as I’d like to with my growing responsibilities at SB Nation, and it only feels right that when I get some opportunities to do so, I should be my true self. And my true self is a nightmare garbage pile with a murky, sullen cloud of pessimism hovering just overhead. My true self also quite enjoys listening to doom metal until my ears bleed, and that may be having an impact on my outlook.
So, we’re not here just to talk about MY outlook on the 49ers (as absolutely correct and infallible as it has always been and always shall be), we’re here to conduct science. We’re here to break down the walls between stats and opinion, and we’re here to do it by measuring the levels of pure, unfiltered doom currently speeding headlong toward all of us, and the 49ers.
Finally, I will admit to very recently having been somewhat optimistic about the 49ers. That took a big hit when Jerick McKinnon went down for the season, and it took a bigger hit when Marquise Goodwin was banged up almost immediately.
And you see, through the malaise of doom and pessimism, I can still see the connective tissue of this football team, and it looks strong. I daresay there may be a time again, very soon, where I am feeling alright about the 49ers. Three interceptions sucks, but at the same time, only one of them was particularly egregious on Garoppolo’s part, and to me that’s a huge relief. The offensive line, despite injuries, played well, and Dante Pettis looked good. On the defensive side of the ball, I saw a lot of good things, especially with Fred Warner.
Keep this in mind — and don’t tell anybody, this is just between us and you don’t want to be a snitch — I really do like the position the 49ers are in. For now, I’ll be voting for the “least doomed” option but again, if you tell anybody, I will find you and we will fight.
Essentially, the point of all of this is for YOU to tell me how doomed you think the 49ers are You can find past results for the Doom Index in this image gallery here. As you can see, people have been feeling mostly positive throughout the offseason, though after the NFL Draft, there were many who were unimpressed. If you’re reading this on a platform that doesn’t display the poll below, click here to vote.
How doomed are the 49ers?
This poll is closed
[SITE DECORUM] INJURIES DOOMED (Most Doomed)
Dropping Wide Open TD Passes Doomed (Pretty Doomed)
Big Overthrows Doomed (Somewhat Doomed)
AHHHHHHHHH FOOTBALL IS HERE (Kinda Doomed)
Still The Handsomest Handsome to Ever Handsome Doomed (Least Doomed)