FanPost

What the Actual Site Decorum, or Naguabo's Guide to POTENTIALLY Successful Predicting



With a big amount of emphasis placed on the word "potentially".

So there's been a bit of speculation going around about why or how I managed to win the regular season Prediction Bowl two years ago (while proceeding to fall apart in the playoffs), won the playoff bracket last year (by being the only predictor to pick the Eagles as Super Bowl winners), and did well these last two weeks. In fact, I've been accused of being an NFL official, a Vegas insider, or a Mafia boss. So let's try to set the record straight, never mind that records are actually round (OK, if you want to split hairs I'll have to admit that they're cylindrical with a very low height).

So, as far as being an NFL official, well, that's kind of hard to do seeing that I live in Greece. I'm sure Fooch can find ways to check my IP address and prove that I'm on the Eastern side of the Atlantic (since I have sometimes posted my predictions from other countries because, well, that's where I was at the time). Just because I suggested a rule change once (that penalties where the regular penalty yardage would get you into your own end zone should be moved to the 1-yard line instead of half the distance to the goal line) doesn't mean I can actually change the rules or enforce them. If I could, rugby-style drop kicks over 50 yards would get 5 points each (just getting the foot back into the ball).

As for a Vegas insider, well, I've never been to Las Vegas and never intend to. Reno was bad enough and I wouldn't mind if the whole city just disappeared into the sand (with fair warning for the people who live there to save themselves first). The only good thing about casinos is all-you-can-eat buffets, which don't actually require a casino to begin with. The closest I've ever come to Las Vegas is having some relatives with the last name Vega.

Mafia boss... now that's an interesting one. If I was one, though, the Patriots, Cowboys, and Seahawks would never have won a single Super Bowl, and (among others) Richie Incognito and Danny Amendola would not be in the league. While some people may think the European Union is a mafia, and I do work for them sometimes (as a freelance interpreter), I'm pretty sure that as an institution, the EU doesn't give a rat's posterior what happens in the NFL and the feeling is mutual. And I'm not their boss anyway; in fact, I'm not even a European citizen (which is why I'm a freelancer and not an employee). And if I was a Mafia boss, would I have had "Roberto Saviano is an absolute hero" in my signature for several months?

Then (rising chorus of frustrated predictors) "Well, what do you do, Naguabo, what's your actual secret to getting predictions right?"

Guess what? I haven't the foggiest or even the froggiest. All I can do is provide suggestions of things I do and don't do, but figuring out which part of all that actually works to make me predict correctly, well, that beats me like a bloody-minded debt collector. As Professor Bliquez said, "there are no rules, only tendencies" (OK, when he said that he was actually talking about Ancient Greek grammar, but never mind). Because for practically anything I do, diet-wise or otherwise, I can think of times I did it and it didn't work, or that I didn't follow my own rule and the predictions came out well. That even applies for my habit of putting food items in my prediction headline, and my more recent one of devising jokes on team names or their home cities. After all, the first official rule is that nobody knows the real rules.

Things I do:

  1. Eat yogurt, preferably sheep or goat's milk yogurt, and drink buttermilk (ayran/xinogalo) for breakfast (drink it straight or pour it on cereal), followed by a couple of fruits and 1-3 cups of coffee.

  2. Put honey, goat milk, and cinnamon and/or nutmeg in my first cup of coffee. (whenever possible)

  3. Try to speak several languages in the course of each day. If you want to be nice to someone, try to speak to them in their own native language, even if it's just a few words.

  4. Read a lot of books, and re-read the ones I really like.

  5. Almost always cook with olive oil.

  6. Read the game previews, without forgetting to check the injury reports (seriously, I've messed up some predictions drastically because of forgetting which teams had some key starters out)

  7. Feed homeless cats, and even the occasional friendly dog or two, but not every day.

  8. Travel frequently, whether for business or for pleasure.

  9. Take off your shoes once you enter your home or temporary lodging.

  10. When traveling by yourself, if possible, cook for yourself.

  11. Adopt a kitten (at least that applies to last season. Before that I had a dog for a year and a half, but he died) and play with it often, even when it's fully grown.

  12. Invite people to visit and eat with you without actually giving them instructions to find you. After all, it's the thought that counts, right?

  13. Make predicting fun. If it's not fun and you don't get paid for it, why bother?

And maybe more importantly, the stuff I don't do.

  1. Never drink cola drinks of any kind.

  2. No eating raw onions, peppers of any kind, grapefruit, or lard.

  3. Don't wear socks with sandals unless you're German. And don't wear shoes without socks.

  4. Never gloat. You can celebrate your own success without reveling in others' misfortunes or failures.

  5. Don't eat at McDonald's.

  6. Don't drink any kind of coffee through a straw unless you're in a car or about to enter one.

  7. Don't play basketball or do push-ups (seriously, one of my vertebrae is out of place).

  8. You can eat in a casino, but don't do anything else there that involves money.

  9. Don't wear red and green together, unless they're on a Mexican or Italian flag.

  10. Never smoke, unless you're cooking something with a smoker machine.
  11. Never predict in an uncaffeinated condition.

I wanted to figure out 2 more to add to get these up to 13 as well, but guess what, I ran out of inspiration. If any of this helps you improve your predicting skills or just makes you laugh, great.

And let's add the Thomas Lyon disclaimer:

"For God's sake don't remember any of this. I only made it up to entertain you."

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Niners Nation's writers or editors.