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“Why Your Team Sucks” returns for a 2019 edition

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Deadspin’s hilarious look at the NFL always is the way to kick off preseason every year.

It’s back and thank the football gods! Every year, Deadspin puts together an NFL season preview series called “Why Your Team Sucks.” Rather than going the analyst route and beating things over your head on why a team should or shouldn’t make the playoffs, Deadspin goes out of their way to be as negative as humanly possible. As Fooch said last year, the better the team or expectations, the better the article.

Drew Magary took his shots at the 49ers Tuesday and I figured I’d drop some of my favorites. Drop some of yours in the comments as well as the reader emails:

  • Referring to Jimmy Garoppolo as “Pizza boy.”
  • Calling Richard Sherman a “now-obvious sleeper cell agent for the Seahawks” after his illegal contact penalty on 4th and 19 kept the Packers offense on the field for the eventual win.
  • “Last season’s lone highlight for this team was Nick Mullens destroying the Raiders on a Thursday night. Everything else was a writeoff.”
  • “For me, Kyle Shanahan will always be the supposedly forward-thinking offensive guru who forgot to run the ball with a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.”
  • Making fun of the public perception Nick Bosa instantly received when his political affiliations were a story
  • “This spring, Bosa told reporters that he swore off firing out spicy tweets in case he got drafted by San Francisco, apparently unaware that it takes the average fan in San Francisco proper three hours and four separate public transport agencies to get to the stadium.”
  • “I know Dee Ford seemed like a bright spot on that Chiefs defense last year, what with his 13 sacks and all. But trust me, that [the 49ers] defense sucked for a reason. Ford harassing the other team’s QB once a game won’t stop that QB from racking up a 50-burger”
  • “The Niners perfectly fit the Bay Area because they’ve got a shitty, expensive product that they like to hype to the skies without ever actually fixing.”
  • “The Niners are a franchise that has willingly confined itself to a hospice. I’m told the WiFi there is decent.”